


I'm all out of love, what am I without you?

by brianmaybrianmay



Category: Generation Kill
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hurt Brad Colbert, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Smut, Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-07-02
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:41:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 76,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25034869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brianmaybrianmay/pseuds/brianmaybrianmay
Summary: It was on the twenty-third of February 2004 that Brad Colbert was officially declared killed in action.
Relationships: Brad Colbert/Ray Person, Ray Person/Original Male Character
Comments: 23
Kudos: 79





	I'm all out of love, what am I without you?

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading this! 
> 
> I've abandoned and picked up this fic so so many times that I thought it would never see the light of day, but here we are! Not beta read so all of my mistakes are my own, and as always this is based on the characters from Generation Kill and not the real life Marines! 
> 
> slight trigger warning; this fic does mention issues such as alcoholism, rape, and suicide. They're not a big enough part of the story to actually tag them as a warning, they're more mentioned in passing here and there, but just keep that in mind if you're particularly affected by any of those issues
> 
> thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy :)

It was on the twenty-third of February 2004 that Brad Colbert was officially declared killed in action. 

Ray wasn't a Marine anymore, after the total clusterfuck that had been OIF, he'd decided not to re-up once his term had been up - and he'd never once looked back on his decision. He wasn't a lifer, he'd known that from the beginning and he'd never alluded to the fact that he was either. All along, all throughout their deployment to Iraq, he'd made sure to announce every now and again that he was out as soon as was possible. 

He knew he'd made the right decision too. Some of the guys made the same decision as him, some of them hadn't. Nate had left the Corps too, with plans to move out East and go back to school. Some of the others - like Poke and Walt - had left on account of the fact that they had families and wanted to be with them. Some of the guys had stayed though, Trombley was now a fully fledged Recon Marine, having finally finished his BRC. Doc Bryan was recruited to a Special Forces Unit, Rudy was made the new Two-Two TL. Each of them had a different story to tell after OIF. 

Brad though.. fuckin' Brad. After they'd gotten back from Iraq, Brad had come to him and told him that he'd been nominated for an exchange program with the British Royal Marines. They'd be sending a British Marine over to serve with what turned out to be H&S Company while Brad was in England with the Commandos. It was a hell of an opportunity, and Ray had honestly been delighted for him when he'd told him. 

He'd made it a point though to not mention the.. whatever it was between them. 

He couldn't even say what it was, because nothing solid had ever even happened. Brad was his TL, he was Brad's RTO, but they had been genuine friends outside of that. That wasn't what he meant though. There had been a lingering feeling of something between them, that Ray wasn't sure if he was imagining or if Brad had felt it too. It could have just been because they were as close as they were, or because they'd spent more time with each other than with anyone else in the Platoon, or because of the constant insults they threw at each other that could have been mistaken for flirting. Nothing had come of it though - because of DADT or the fact that Brad was his direct superior, or maybe Brad had just never felt that way. He didn't know. 

The moment he realised it wasn't one sided though was after the ambush on the bridge, when they'd been lead into the kill zone and had ended up boxed in by their own Humvee's. It had been chaos, shooting from all sides, and nobody had been able to make any sense of what to do or where to go. Ray had tried screaming down the comms at the others, trying to recover some sort of order. When that had failed though, he'd simply flung the door of the Humvee open and ran out, standing in front of the Two-One Bravo Humvee, "Would you please back the fuck up?" He'd screamed at Lilley through the windshield of the Humvee. He wasn't sure if it was the adrenaline rushing through his veins or just the Ripped Fuel, but he barely noticed as bullets zipped past his helmet. 

Brad had stayed cool, obviously, he wouldn't have been the Iceman otherwise. It was only when they'd finally gotten some down time and had parked the Humvee's, that Brad had pulled him close once they'd gotten a moment alone, "You stupid fuck, don't you ever fucking pull a stunt like that again, you hear me?" He asked. His arms were almost painful where they were like a vice around Ray's shoulders, and he hadn't been quite able to believe it when he'd realised that he could feel Brad shaking against him. 

He just put his own arms tentatively around Brad's waist, holding on as the other man got himself back under control, "Hey.. I'm fine, we're all fine." He murmured, biting his lip gently. It was the first time he'd ever seen Brad lose his cool like that. He knew he tended to get snippy when Ray would rant aimlessly at nothing at all because of the Ripped Fuel, or when Baptista spoke in Portuguese over the comms, but he'd never seen him as emotional as this. 

"I'm fine, Brad." He'd repeated softly, giving him a smile to match when he'd pulled away far enough to look down at him. Brad hadn't said anything in response, he'd simply reached out to gently cup his cheek in his hand as he'd stepped into Ray's space, and he had held his breath in anticipation of what was coming. It never did though, and Brad stepped back at the sound of Sixta's voice quickly approaching, yelling about the grooming standard yet again. 

That was all that had happened though, and despite the lingering glances that they had shared more than once since then, they'd never gotten another chance before they were shipped back home. He'd noticed though, the way Brad's glances would linger longer than usual, or the way his smile would turn a little softer towards Ray from time to time. Once they were home though, it was like things had been playing in slow motion before and had only now just kicked back up to speed. He and Brad hadn't gotten a moment alone, and then before he knew it, his time with the Marines was up and he was making plans to go back home. He would have stayed if Brad had asked, or if he'd even given the slightest inclination that he wanted him to. He knew that made no sense though, Brad would be getting ready for his rotation to England, so there was no point in him staying in California. 

So that was where it had left them. 

He'd gone back to Kansas City and had gotten himself a job in a production kitchen, and Brad had gone to England. They'd kept in touch a little, with the rare email here and there, but it cost a fortune to actually phone each other. Besides, they'd both been busy, and with the time difference in the way too; it hadn't been easy to keep up regular contact. So, they hadn't, really. It was two years though, two years and he'd be back in the country. There was no guarantee that things would still be the same once Brad got back - Ray knew that - but he doubted there'd be any harm in giving him a call once he got back, suggesting that they go for a drink. Even if things weren't the same, it'd be good to see him anyway. 

So he really hadn't been expecting it when he'd gotten the call from Mike Wynn. 

It was a couple of months into Brad's rotation, and he wasn't expecting to hear anything from him one way or another. He hadn't heard from him in a good while now, but in Brad's last email, he'd told him not to expect to hear from him for a while. Apparently they were being deployed back to Iraq, to Fallujah this time. He got it though, it wasn't like he'd have regular access to a cell phone or a computer with decent internet while they were deployed, so he wasn't expecting much.

At first he'd assumed that Mike was calling just for a chat - a little weird maybe, considering he and Mike had never been overly close. He'd kept in contact with most of the men in the Platoon, especially with the likes of Walt and Garza, but he heard from the others now and again - mainly if they were in the area and wanted to meet up for a beer. So yeah, it wasn't totally unheard of that Mike would give him a call, it was just a little unusual. It was only when he'd realised how uncharacteristically subdued Mike's voice had been that he realised that something was wrong, "What's happened?" He asked, swallowing against the dread he could feel growing in his stomach. 

_"It's Brad.. he's dead."_

The news had felt like a suckerpunch, and he'd barely even heard the rest of what Mike told him. He knew that Brad was being deployed again, but fuck.. it was supposed to have been a fucking peacekeeping mission. They were supposed to have just been an occupying force. Apparently the other side hadn't gotten that memo though, and they'd been ambushed. Mike didn't have all the facts just yet, but word was that the entire Platoon had been gunned down, and while Brad and a few others others hadn't been initially accounted for in the aftermath; that had been nearly two months ago. If he'd been held as a POW, chances were that there would have been some sort of demand by now, some sort of indication that he and the few others that had disappeared were alive. There'd been nothing though, and so yesterday the Corps had officially announced that they were calling off the search and that they were considering Brad and the others KIA. 

_"Ray, are y-"_ Mike started, but Ray cut him off by hanging up the phone. 

This couldn't be happening, Brad couldn't be dead. He'd thought.. fuck, he'd thought that they would get their chance. Now that they weren't depending on each other to stay alive, now that Brad wasn't his direct superior anymore.. he'd always thought that once Brad got home from England, that they could maybe catch up and see if things were still how they'd left them. Now Brad wasn't going to be coming home.

Fuck.

  
-x-

  
The funeral was in March.

It was to be held at Arlington, which Ray couldn't help but feel was a little bit bullshit. Not to be disrespectful or anything, but there wasn't even a body to bury. He got that it was mostly to do with the ceremony, and that there'd be a headstone erected in the cemetery and everything, but he just.. there wasn't even a body to bury. He supposed though, that he understood that it had to give his family some sort of closure to actually have a funeral. And fuck, he'd never even thought about Brad's family since the news had reached him. He'd only found out about the whole situation yesterday, but he knew that there was no reason for him to have been kept in the loop since he was no longer in the Marine Corps. He assumed that his family would have been told as soon as Brad had gone missing, and he couldn't imagine what it must have been like for them - not knowing and just hoping for two months that there'd be some positive news. It must have been awful, so he supposed that at least having a funeral for him now would give them some sort of closure. 

He felt awful for them now actually, now that he took a second to think about it. He knew that Brad had been close with his family - despite the fact that he liked to make out that he was the Iceman, that he was a lone wolf and didn't need anybody. He saw straight through him, and he knew that he was a mama's boy at heart. God, he couldn't imagine how hard this whole situation must be on them. 

Walt had called him two days before the funeral, and he'd finally picked up the phone this time. Since Mike had first called to break the news, he'd been avoiding his phone like it had the plague. He assumed that Mike had probably ratted on him though, because he'd also gotten calls from Poke, Nate, and Walt - none of which he'd picked up. It was whatever, he didn't want to talk about it. He'd gotten an email from Nate though, letting them know the details of the funeral, which had also been sent to the entirety of Second Platoon. It seemed Brad had thought this through a long time ago, and had left the details with Nate in the event of his death. He was surprised though, that Nate was the one emailing them, considering he wasn't a Marine any longer either. Still, he supposed Brad and Nate had always been close. 

Like he'd said though, plenty of phone calls, and he hadn't answered any of them. 

Eventually though, he'd caved when he saw Walt's number flashing across his phone screen yet again, and he'd sighed as he answered the call. Whatever, he'd been grieving. He still was. He didn't have to explain himself for not answering their calls. Thankfully, Walt hadn't called to chew him out though, and there was silence over the line for a couple of moments before the other man hesitantly asked, _"You heard the news, I guess?"_

"Yeah." He murmured, and decided he'd leave it at that. 

_"Are you alright?"_ Walt asked.

"Not really." He admitted, chewing on his lip. Well yeah, Walt was one of his best friends, he knew he could admit shit like this to him. Besides, he knew that Walt would totally be able to call him out on his bullshit even over the phone. 

_"Are you coming to the funeral?"_

"Yeah. I mean.. yeah." 

_"Don't bother booking a hotel, just.. stay with me."_

So that was how he'd found himself packing a bag and dumping it into the back of his truck, before he started on the drive. He knew it was a good seventeen hour drive from Kansas City to Virginia, but he just.. maybe the drive would do him good. Help him clear his mind a little. 

He was maybe still trying to process the whole thing a little. Obviously it had felt like a punch in the throat when Mike had first called to tell him of Brad's death, but he just.. he'd been pretty numb about the whole thing since then. He hadn't cried. It wasn't that he wasn't upset over it, he was fucking heartbroken, he was just.. like he'd said, he was numb. He was pretty sure it wouldn't hit him properly until the actual funeral - which was why he was maybe dreading it a little.

Eventually he reached Virginia, and then he reached Walt's house, and then Walt's wife Alison was pulling him into a hug almost as soon as she'd opened the door, "Ray, honey, I was so sorry to hear the news." She told him, and he could only pat her awkwardly on the shoulder. He knew she meant the best, but she had only actually met Brad a handful of times, so it was hard to take her too seriously on it. Still, he knew that she was aware of how close Brad had been with all of them, so he wasn't about to lay into her about it. It wasn't her fault that he felt the way he felt about the whole situation. 

Walt came down the stairs a moment later, giving him a small smile that Ray couldn't help but return, "Hey, man." He murmured with a small smile as he pulled him in for a quick hug. It had been too long really, since they'd seen each other. He'd assumed that it would be under better circumstances though, that it would be for a Bravo Two reunion or for one of Poke's stupid barbecues. Hell, even for a wedding. He hadn't expected that the next time they'd see each other would be for Brad's funeral.

The funeral itself was.. well, it was what he'd expected. 

The weather was good, thankfully, and he was surprised to see that nearly every single one of the men in Bravo Two had made it to the funeral, with the exception of a few who were currently stationed abroad. He'd been surprised to see that even Captain Schwetje had turned up, and while he'd have usually bitched about having to be in their former C.O's presence, he couldn't help but feel the slightest surge of respect for the other man for having shown up at all. It wasn't only Bravo Two who had shown up either - Kocher was there, as well as Bryan Patterson from Alpha Company, Reporter had flown out too. Hell, even Sixta was there. He supposed that it reflected a lot on Brad's character though, that so many of them had made the effort to come. 

It had been a little strange - with not having a body to bury, there had been no casket to lower into the grave. There had been the folding and presentation of the flag to Brad's family though while a bugler played the Taps, and there was a headstone to mark Brad's grave - even if the grave in question was empty. Eventually though, Brad's sister Megan had stood up to give her eulogy. She smiled through her tears as she looked out on them, before she looked down at the sheets of paper she had brought up with her, 

"God, I barely even know where to start. When Brad joined the Marine Corps, I supposed I had sort of mentally prepared myself for having to do this one day, but I never thought that this day would actually come. I can tell you though that he'd be a smug bastard about it if he knew just how many people were going to turn up today." She started, wiping her eyes with her sleeve before she continued on, "There was never any doubt about what Brad was going to do with his life. He was born to be a Marine, and I think everyone here today can agree with me when I say that. He wasn't just a good Marine though, he was the best brother I could have asked for. He liked to act like he was tough shit, but he was a softie at heart, and I think the fact that you're all here today just proves the sort of man he was. Our family isn't a big one, so I know that most of you here today are the men that he's served with over the years, and I want it known that he considered all of you a part of his family too. And with that, so do we. So I hope that we can all raise a toast to him later, and remember him for the good man that he was."

It was only when Nate gently nudged his shoulder with his own and gave him a reassuring smile, that Ray realised that tears had been streaming silently down his face. He quickly wiped them with his sleeve, but he just.. fuck. It had just hit him as he listened to Megan speaking that Brad really fucking was dead. 

"Okay?" Nate asked softly, and Ray just nodded, wiping his eyes with his sleeve again. 

Yeah, no, he really wasn't okay. This wasn't supposed to have happened. Brad was supposed to come home in a little over a year's time with a stupid half British-half American accent and with stories of what it had been like to serve for that long in a different country. He was supposed to call Brad once he'd gotten home, and they were supposed to have tentatively reached out to see if there was still the potential for something between them. He wasn't supposed to be standing here at Brad's funeral. 

Eventually the funeral was wrapped up, and they headed back to Walt's house. He was the only one who lived in Virginia, so he'd offered to welcome everybody back to his and Alison's house that evening so that they could raise a toast to Brad. 

It wasn't until they'd gotten back to Walt's house afterwards that he realised that Katie was there, and he was fucking seething once he realised that she was. How dare she have shown up? She had broken Brad's heart years ago, he knew that Brad was still heartbroken over how badly she had fucked him over - even if he'd claimed that he wasn't in love with her anymore. It seemed that it was obvious how he felt about her being there though, because Walt had put a hand on his shoulder and pressed a glass into his hand, "Leave it." He murmured, steering him into the lounge and out of her line of sight.

It was whatever, he wouldn't have started anything anyway, he just.. she had hurt Brad, and now she had the balls to show up here. He'd never understood that actually - he could see how in love with her Brad had been. From what he'd heard, they'd been happy, and they'd been planning to get married, and then she had fucked him over and left him for his best friend. He'd never understood how somebody could have thrown Brad Colbert away like that. 

Eventually everybody had congregated out in the lounge, where Walt had lit a candle beside a photo that he had in a frame on the fireplace. He remembered it actually, it was a photo of himself, Walt, Trombley and Brad, their arms around each other as Reporter snapped a quick photo of Two-One Alpha for his book. He couldn't help the small smile that spread over his face as he looked at the photo, just because of how much Brad had bitched at the idea of having his photo taken. There'd been candid photos for the book obviously, but he'd strongly objected to actually posing for a photo, "Shut the fuck up and smile, Iceman." He'd told him before pulling him in with an arm around his waist, leaving his arm where it was as they stood next to the other two guys.

"Look, I know we don't want to stand around and have to listen to another speech." Nate started once quiet had finally descended, "So I think we should all just raise a glass." He said, and there was a murmur of assent as everybody raised the glass that they were holding.

"To Brad." Nate said with a smile, and Ray blinked against the prickling in his eyes as he swallowed back the rest of what was in his glass along with everybody else. 

Yeah, to fucking Brad.

Later on that evening, after everyone else had already gone and Alison had called it a night, he and Walt sat out on the decking of the back porch together, each of them still nursing a glass of whisky. He just, he really wasn't sure what the fuck he was supposed to say, how he was supposed to just.. deal with things. He'd never actually considered the possibility that Brad would be killed while he was away, that the last time he'd seen him would actually be the last time, and yet; here they were. 

After what seemed like hours of silence, Walt reached over to pour him another couple of fingers of whisky from the bottle between them, "How you holding up?" He asked quietly once he'd put the bottle back down.

Ray just shrugged, swirling the liquid around his glass for a moment. Awful, his mind unhelpfully supplied, absolutely fucking terrible, "Fine." He shrugged after a moment, "As well as any of us." 

"You don't have to lie to me, Ray." 

Ray just looked over at Walt at that, and he couldn't help but notice the apprehensive look on his face. He sighed, shaking his head as he contemplated the liquid in his glass again, "What d'you want me to say, Walt? I'm not fine." He shrugged. Well, he was pretty drunk by now too, but that was another matter altogether.

He sighed as he put his glass down on the ground, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees to put his face in his hands. He felt Walt's hand on his back after a moment, slowly rubbing up and down along his shoulderblade, "Look, I'm gonna ask you something, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to." He asked, and Ray just nodded. 

"You and Brad.. I know you guys were close, but did anything more than that ever happen there?"

Yeah, shit, this was exactly the type of question he'd been hoping to avoid. He knew he should lie, but he just.. Walt was his best friend, he couldn't lie straight to his face like that about this. So he just shrugged, folding his arms as he sat back in the chair again, "Nothing happened, exactly. But something almost did, it could've, we just.. we never got the chance." He murmured with a slight shrug, "I think he felt the same way I did."

"Which was?" 

Ray just kept quiet for a moment, before shrugging again, "Fuck." He mumbled, swiping at his eyes that were starting to sting again, "I loved him, alright? I was in love with him, and I- I think that maybe he felt the same way, but we just.." He trailed off, taking a shaky breath. Fuck, he was crying again. 

Walt climbed into the chair beside him after a moment, despite the fact that the chair really wasn't made for two grown men, and he couldn't help but lean into him when he put his arms around his shoulders, "I'm so sorry Ray." 

Now that he'd started, he found he couldn't stop the tears from coming, and maybe he'd feel a little like a baby for basically sobbing onto Walt's shoulder if he wasn't so heartbroken about the whole thing, "I just can't believe that he's actually fucking gone, this wasn't meant to happen." He sniffled, twisting his fingers into the fabric of Walt's shirt. Yeah, he was past the point of giving a shit whether or not he came across as a little pathetic here. Maybe he was pathetic, but he was hurting too, and even so; he doubted Walt would judge him for it. They were best friends for a reason. 

"Hey.. hey." Walt murmured after a moment, leaning back a little so that he could look down at him, "I'm so sorry that this happened, it's not fair." He said softly as he continued to just gently rub his back, "I know it hurts now, and it's probably going to hurt for a long time. But he wouldn't want you to be cut up about this forever." 

Ray couldn't help the watery laugh that came out at Walt's words, and he rubbed his eyes again, "No, I know. He'd tell me to grow up and get the fuck over it."

He could see it now actually. Brad would most definitely roll his eyes at him, maybe even give him a playful shove. He'd tell him to get over it, that much was for sure, "You're a Recon Marine, and Recon Marines don't cry like little girls." He'd tell him sternly, although there would be a teasing smile playing at the edges of his lips. Yeah, he could definitely picture it. 

So he just nodded, rubbing at his eyes with his knuckles until he was pretty sure that he'd gotten himself under control, before taking a deep breath, "I'm okay.. or, I'm not, but I will be."

"You sure?"

"Yeah.. thanks, Walt."

  
-x-

  
He spent most of April drunk, if he was being honest. 

After the funeral, he just.. he wasn't really sure how he was supposed to just go back to his life and pretend that everything was supposed to be okay. He knew he'd get over it eventually, that it would hurt less and less every day until he was finally able to think fondly about Brad without wanting to commit ritual suicide every time he crossed his mind. 

For now though, the feeling was still raw. It was still an open wound. Actually, fuck that; it wasn't an open wound, it felt like a sucking chest wound. He hadn't even noticed that things had gone downhill so badly though, he was just doing his best to cope. Day in and day out, he'd be doing okay, and then something would remind him of Brad - an advertisement for something on the TV that he thought Brad would like, or he'd read some stupid article in a magazine and think 'Brad would think that's fucking stupid', and then he was hit with the realisation that Brad was still gone. The worst occasions though, was where he'd be busy sending emails, and he'd come across one of the old ones Brad had sent to him before he'd been deployed. He knew he should delete them, that he shouldn't be sitting here wallowing, but he just.. he couldn't.

So to deal with things, he'd started having a drink.

It sort of just became second nature then. Soon enough he was drinking every night, and then he was drinking to the point where he'd forget about Brad and just pass out on the couch.

He knew the other guys were worried about him. Walt called him regularly to check in - he'd answered him at the start, but he'd quickly gotten fed up of the questions and the pity. No he wasn't okay, but he wished that they'd all stop treating him as though he was made of glass. It wasn't just Walt though, he'd gotten calls from a few of the others, as well as a text from Q-Tip that had needed a little deciphering before he'd understood what exactly it was that he'd been trying to say - he would admit that that had made him smile and roll his eyes. Still, he'd pretty much dropped back off the map, and he had no intentions of turning things around just yet.

He was pretty sure that his sister Alex wasn't talking to him either. She only lived a couple of blocks away from him, and she'd been coming around now and again to check in with him. Obviously she knew he and Brad had been friends, but she didn't understand just how close they had been. So he guessed that she didn't really understand why he was letting things get this bad. She had put up with his bad habits and his drinking for a little while, up until she had come around to his place to find him drunk at three in the afternoon. Whatever, it was a Saturday, he didn't have anywhere to be. Still, she hadn't seen that as good enough reasoning, and that had turned into a screaming match between the two of them. When she had accused him of becoming an alcoholic, that was when he'd kicked her out and shut the door in her face. So yeah, not on great terms with her right now. 

He told himself that he'd be okay eventually, but for now.. he just really wasn't dealing. 

  
-x-

  
In May, things started turning around a little.

He knew that he was fucking things up, and that if he didn't slow down sooner or later; that he was going to end up drinking himself to death and ending up just like Brad. Or.. maybe not so much. Brad had died heroically in the face of action, defending his country. Ray would only end up drinking himself into an early grave because he couldn't get over himself. Still, the phone calls from the other men had started coming less frequently - with the exception of Walt - and Alex had stopped coming around entirely ever since he'd slammed the door in her face. He knew people were starting to give up on him, and oddly, he found that he was very fucking okay with that. 

That was until one Saturday at the beginning of May anyway, when it was just after midday and he was already halfway on his way to drunk, when the doorbell rang. He'd answered it, because he assumed that it was probably just the mailman or somebody selling something. What he hadn't expected was for Nate Fick to be standing at his door, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I came to see you."

"Why?"

"Can I come in?"

The two just looked at each other for a moment, before Ray eventually nodded and shrugged, taking a step back to let Nate into the house. He didn't particularly want him here, but he knew that Nate was living in Boston at the moment. There was nothing exactly in Kansas City that he guessed Nate would already be here for, and so he doubted that he'd decided to just drop in because he was in the area. It was only because of that that he wasn't kicking him out the same way that he'd done with Alex. 

He sighed as he followed him into the living room, holding his glass up to him, "You want a drink?" He asked. Whatever, he guessed that Nate was already totally aware of the fact that he wasn't exactly sober, so he figured there was no point in trying to hide it. 

"No, thanks. Unless you're making coffee?" 

Ray just nodded and shrugged, trailing into the kitchenette to turn on the coffee machine. He only left one mug out though, and he tried not to notice how Nate warily eyed the empty bottles that he'd left in the box next to the balcony door. Whatever, it was none of his fucking business anyway. 

Eventually Nate sighed, looking over at him, "Ray, what are you doing?"

"I'm dealing, LT."

"No, you're not."

Ray held his gaze for a moment before he looked away with a sigh, "Alright, I'm not. What d'you want me to say?"

"Ray, the others and I are worried about you."

"Oh, good of you to care." 

Nate's eyes hardened at that, and yeah, he knew that had been unfair. He knew that they did care, that they had all tried calling him and offering their support to him. It was him who hadn't been answering the calls, he hadn't let them reach out to him. So he knew that it was totally his own fault that they had stopped calling.

"You can't keep doing this." Nate started, and when Ray opened his mouth to protest, he simply fixed him with his best Lieutenant's stare. After that, he shut up and let him speak, "We do care about you, Ray, and we're trying to help you but we can't do that if you won't let us in." 

"I didn't ask you to do that."

"I know, but you're still a part of Bravo Two, so we're going to do it anyway. You can't keep doing this, I know this is your way of coping with what happened but you're going to end up drinking yourself to death if you don't get help."

"I don't need help."

"You know how disappointed in you Brad would be?" 

Ray looked back at him at that, and he was surprised to find that Nate was wearing an apprehensive look on his face, as though he felt awful for saying that much, "I hate to say that to you, but you know he wouldn't want you to fall apart over this." He murmured. The worst part was that he knew he was right. He knew that if Brad could see him now, that he'd be so fucking disappointed in him. He wasn't too bad yet, he was still going to work and everything, but he supposed he knew that if he didn't nip this in the bud now, that he'd stop being a functioning alcoholic and would just end up an alcoholic. 

He ran his hands through his hair, taking a shaky breath, "I know he would, Nate, I know. I just.. I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to be okay anymore." He murmured, and when Nate just stayed quiet for a moment, "I miss him, so fucking much." 

He could hear the thickness in his voice, and fuck this if he was about to start crying again. He felt like he'd done nothing but cry since the funeral, and he was sick of feeling so pathetic over it. Nate just squeezed his shoulder gently, and he was relieved to see that the other man looked as though he at least sort of understood. 

"I know, Ray. This is why I'm here, I want to help you get through this." 

"How the fuck am I supposed to get through it though? It's like every time I start to feel okay, that it just hits me again that he's dead, and I end up like fucking this."

Nate just looked at him for a moment, his hand still on his shoulder. He didn't look like he felt sorry for him though, which was a start at least. He just.. he didn't want sympathy or pity over this whole thing. Nobody got it, he knew that he'd told Walt the situation between Brad and himself, but none of the others knew. From anyone else's perspective, it probably would have looked as though he was overreacting, but he didn't want to have to explain to everyone who asked that he'd been so in love with Brad. So yeah, shutting himself away like this and trying to numb the pain of it with booze was just easier. 

Eventually Nate smiled again, and he ducked his head to catch Ray's eye, "I know it's hard, but I'll be right here for as long as it takes for you to unfuck yourself." He said with a small smile, and Ray couldn't help the quiet laugh that slipped out. 

Yeah, maybe it was about time he started trying to get past this. Brad was dead, it had been two and a half months since he'd died. He knew that he couldn't go on like this for the rest of his life, so he just.. if he didn't try to beat it now, then when would he?

  
-x-

  
Thankfully, once he'd decided to get his head back on straight, it didn't take him too long to sort himself out. 

Nate had stayed true to his word, and had moved himself into his spare room for a little over a week, until he could promise the other man that he wasn't about to drink himself into unconsciousness the moment he was gone. He was trying to promise that to himself too. He didn't like feeling like this, he hated that he couldn't just get over it. So he wanted to get sober as much as Nate wanted him to do it too. 

It was hard, and he'd had a motherfucker of a time trying not to reach for the bottle every time he thought of Brad. It was a little easier with Nate there though. The older man had looked at him like he'd had every confidence that he could beat this, and he just.. fuck, he still wanted to do his best to make Nate proud. So yeah, he'd really given it his all. He hadn't totally gone cold-turkey, and he slipped up now and again, but it wasn't every night now that he was drinking. 

In June, he decided that maybe he needed a little bit of closure too. 

So he did his research, went through the phone books and made a couple of calls until he had an address, and then he booked himself a flight to California. He wasn't exactly sure what he was doing, if he was being honest, he just knew that doing this would probably be good for him. 

So on that note, he packed a bag, and before he really had the time to think about what he was doing, he was on his flight to San Diego, and then he was standing in front of a door, chewing on his lower lip as he knocked. 

When the door opened to reveal a woman in her sixties in the hall, he immediately looked for resemblances - despite the fact that he knew there wouldn't be any, since Brad had been adopted. At her questioning look, he smiled, "Uh, hi.. Mrs Colbert. My name is Ray Person, I uh.. I served with Brad in the Marines." 

Her face softened after a moment, and he was totally aware of the fact that she'd probably been a little cautious of him when she opened the door. He knew he'd lost far too much weight yet again, plus he needed a damn haircut and a shave. He was a bit of a mess still, really, "Of course, come in." She said with a smile. 

He followed her into the house, smiling as he accepted the cup of coffee she pressed into his hand. He wasn't really sure what the hell he was doing here, he just.. he guessed that maybe it would give him a little bit of closure to actually talk to Brad's family, to see his childhood home. He'd been too chickenshit to actually speak to his family at the funeral, just because of how he'd barely been holding himself together as it was. Now he felt that he was ready to take that step. 

"I'm sorry for just dropping in like this, I just.."

"Don't worry about it at all, sweetheart. You came to the funeral, right? I think I recognise you now that you mention it."

"I did, yeah. I'd have offered my condolences then but I just.. I wasn't really in any fit state, I guess." He explained with a shrug. He still wasn't, really, but he was trying his best. He was pretty sure she'd picked up on that though, if the knowing way she was looking at him was anything to go by. 

"Robert is gone out, but he shouldn't be too much longer if you want to wait around to meet him?" She offered, and he just smiled and nodded, "That'd be great, Mrs Colbert, thanks." 

"Call me Vera, honey." 

While they waited for Brad's father to come home, she offered him one of the family photo albums to look through, and fuck.. He really hadn't been prepared at all for this. He couldn't help but smile though, as he flicked through the pages. He didn't know who most of the people in the photos were, but he could recognise Brad even in his childhood photos. He was about eight years old in one, smile full of braces as he sat next to Megan. Another one of him before what looked to be a school dance, having finally grown into his long limbs, his arm around Katie's waist. There was one that really caught him though, Brad looked to be about twenty-three in it, and he was wearing his dress blues. He was pretty sure this had been taken before they'd even met, and Brad just.. even though this was the Brad he recognised, he looked so impossibly young in it. He had a proud smile on his face in the photo though, and he was stood with his spine straight, obviously showing off the fact that he was now a Marine - even if his rank was still Lance Corporal at that point. 

He didn't even realise that there were tears tracking down his face again until Vera reached out to gently touch his elbow, "Shit, I'm sorry, I don't- I feel like I haven't stopped crying since the damn funeral." He said with a self-depreciating laugh, wiping his eyes. 

Vera just looked at him for a moment, soft smile still on her face, "Y'know, Brad was always very private about his personal life, even to us. Especially after Katie, he barely told us anything." She said, and the look on her face made him think she wanted to say more on that subject. He was glad that she didn't though, he didn't exactly want to end up having a bitch-fest with Brad's mom about her dead son's ex-girlfriend. Thankfully though, she didn't say anything more, "I know he didn't tell us a lot of things, but I just want you to know that if you and Brad were.. something, then I think of you as part of this family too." 

He was a little blindsided by that actually, he hadn't thought in a million years that Brad's mother would pick up on it, but he supposed that she probably knew him better than anyone, despite the things he apparently didn't tell her. He smiled sheepishly at her, running his fingers through his hair as he wondered what the hell he was supposed to say to that, "We were almost something." He finally settled on, and she just smiled at him again. 

"If you don't mind me asking though, how'd you figure that one out?" He asked. 

"One of the other men he served with came by a couple of weeks ago. Eric, I think he said his name was, lovely man. He spoke about Brad like he knew him pretty well, but he seemed like he'd accepted that Brad was gone. You obviously haven't." She said softly, "That's not a bad thing." She insisted, when he opened his mouth - to say what, he wasn't totally sure. 

"And I was watching you while you looked at the photos, it's not hard to tell by someone's face when they're in love." 

He just gave her a small smile at that, biting his lip gently. He wasn't really sure what he was supposed to say to that. He wouldn't dispute it, because he knew that it was true, but he was just.. he found that he was somewhat glad that she'd picked up on it. He was pretty sure that he wouldn't have been able to admit it if she'd asked, but he knew she probably would have had questions otherwise about why he was here, still dwelling on Brad's death nearly four months after it had happened.

"I did love him.. I still do. I can't say for sure how he felt, but I think he maybe felt the same for me." He murmured with a shrug.

"If you think that he did, he probably did. You know how he was with opening up to people."

They shared another small smile after that, and he just.. he was glad that he'd done this actually. It maybe felt like exactly what he'd needed for him to start trying to let Brad go and move on. Not that he would, totally, but to accept that he was gone and try to move past it. 

His father got home shortly after, and he introduced himself. Thankfully, he seemed to be just as understanding as his wife about why Ray was here. It was nice to just talk to them actually, to hear stories about Brad from the two people who knew him best. Before he knew it, hours had passed, and he decided that it was probably about time that he got going. It had been nice to meet them, but he was feeling a little emotionally drained after the whole thing. Still, he knew that it had done him some good to come here. He'd had his reservations at first, obviously, but they were really lovely people and he was glad that he'd come. 

He left shortly after that, shaking Robert's hand and Vera insisting that she gave him a hug, "Don't be a stranger, okay?" She told him. He was surprised at the fact that she'd given him their phone number, and had asked for his in return - he hadn't argued though, it was nice that she wanted to keep in touch. 

"Thank you for this, by the way." He murmured as he stood on the step outside, hands in his pockets. 

"Of course. You're welcome here any time you're in the area, and please don't be afraid to call us for anything at all, okay?"

"Yeah, thanks."

She gave him another hug before he left, and he was surprised to feel as though there was a weight off his chest. Yeah, maybe he'd been right about this being closure, maybe could actually start to move on after this. 

  
-x-

  
Things were.. better, after that. 

He felt that now he'd gotten a little closure, he could actually start trying to move on. He knew that he probably wouldn't just move on and be done with the whole situation, that there'd probably always be a part of him that loved Brad, but he couldn't change what had happened. If he knew for sure that the other man hadn't felt the same way, it would have made it a hell of a lot easier, but it was just.. he was pretty sure Brad had loved him too, and it hurt so goddamn much that they'd never gotten their chance, but he was doing what he could to get through it. 

He'd really been making an effort even before he'd gone to see Brad's parents, but once he got home; he decided that that was that. 

He went through his cupboards and poured all of his liquor down the sink. Once he'd done that, the empty bottles joined the others in the box that was still there, and then he got rid of that too. Before, he probably would have said 'fuck it' and gone to buy more alcohol once he'd started wanting a drink, but now he was determined. It made him feel better knowing that there wasn't even any booze in the house now.

He tended to bitch and complain about his job at the kitchen, but it was enough to keep him getting by during the day - it was a pretty high-energy job too, working in the busy kitchen, so at least he was kept busy. It got him out of the house anyway. His friend had hooked him up with a job on the side painting houses too, so he did that when he could. Again, it wasn't great, but it was extra cash and it kept him occupied. Besides, the guy he did it with - Derek - was a pretty good friend of his too, so he looked forward to getting to just hang with him on the days that they painted. He'd been considering taking up a hobby too though, to have something to do with himself that wasn't work. So that was how he found himself with a shitty six-string that he got from the pawn shop near his house. He'd played guitar years ago, back before he'd joined the Corps, but he'd forgotten how much he'd enjoyed playing. Back in Iraq, he'd liked to piss Brad off with his caterwauling, but his voice wasn't actually all that bad when he wasn't intentionally screeching at the top of his lungs. So yeah, teaching himself to play again was just another way of keeping himself busy.

It wasn't until he and Derek were out painting one Saturday, and he was humming along to the song playing on the radio, when Derek turned to him, "So hey, man, Lena introduced me to a couple of her friends last week, and one of the guys - Andy - he's pretty cool."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, he's uh.. I think he's your type."

Ah, shit. He hadn't really thought about it all that much, but he just knew that dating was pretty much the last thing on his mind right now. He was sure that Andy was probably a nice guy, but the idea of dating already hadn't really crossed his mind. He was pretty sure he wouldn't be much fun to have around on a date.

"I don't know.."

"One date."

He sighed, biting his lip gently as he continued with his painting, "Maybe just something casual." He eventually shrugged. Yeah, he was pretty sure he couldn't handle a proper romantic dinner date just yet, but maybe grabbing a coffee wouldn't be so bad. Like he'd said, he hadn't exactly given dating much thought, but he could admit that maybe he'd been a little lonely. He hadn't felt it so much before, but he supposed that he had been sort of holding out for when Brad got home - in case they had been able to pick things back up between them. Now that he knew there was no chance of that now, he was maybe feeling a little bit alone. 

Derek just smiled, turning back to his own work, "Yeah, awesome. He seems like a nice guy, I think you'll like him." He shrugged, "How long s'it been actually, since you've dated?" He asked after a moment. 

Ray just sighed, shrugging a little, "A while." He murmured, "I uh.. I had someone, kind of. He died."

He didn't miss the way Derek's face fell slightly at that, but he knew it was just because he hadn't been expecting that sort of answer. Still, it was the truth, and he and Derek were good enough friends that he felt like he could tell him things like this.

"Sorry, man." He murmured after a moment, and Ray just turned back to him to give him a small smile. He was glad that they could leave it at that though, because he really didn't want to get into the whole thing, and he certainly didn't want want more pity. He was exhausted from all the pity he'd already gotten because of this. Still, he was relieved to find that he didn't feel like bursting into tears at the mere mention of Brad.

"You wanna grab dinner once we're done here?" Derek asked, after another moment of silence. 

"Sure." 

  
-x-

  
Like Derek had said, he'd talked to his girlfriend Lena and had arranged a date between Ray and this Andy guy. 

He was nervous about it, obviously, but they'd agreed to just go for coffee - which had taken a lot of the pressure off. He could do casual. Surprisingly, he'd found that he'd actually liked Andy, that he'd enjoyed their date. Unfortunately, he did remind him a little of Brad in the way that he was tall and blonde and had that sort of leadership quality, but it was something that he could sort of look past. 

Before he knew it, they'd gone on a second date, and then a third date, and then they'd stopped officially arranging dates at all. They'd sort of just fallen into a routine with seeing each other. It was nothing serious, but he liked Andy, and he was glad to have him around. 

They were hanging out at his apartment one afternoon, when he'd ducked out for a minute to go to the bathroom. When he came back, Andy nodded towards his phone that was lying face up on the table, "Vera Colbert texted you." He told him, "Should I be worried?" He teased with a grin. 

Ray just huffed out a laugh and rolled his eyes, grabbing his phone as he sat back on the couch, "Nah, it's my old team leaders' mom."

"Why d'you have your team leaders' mom's phone number? And why is she texting you?" Andy asked with a grin. 

Well yeah, he got that it was probably a little weird, and in any situation he probably would have agreed that it was weird. It didn't feel weird though, he and Vera were on good terms, and he was glad that she liked him. So he just shrugged, biting his lip gently as he tapped out a quick reply to her, "It's uh.. he died a couple months back. I went to see them after the funeral, and we just kept in touch afterwards." 

Andy was quiet for a moment, before he raised his eyebrows as he looked back down at Ray, "Hold on.. Colbert, I think I heard about that actually." He said, "He was serving with the Brits at the time, right? And he was missing for like.. months before they announced he'd died, was that him?"

"Yeah, that was him." He murmured, swallowing thickly. He was surprised to find though, that he actually felt okay. Just after the funeral, he knew that a conversation like this would've made him want to burst into tears. Obviously it still hurt a little to think about, but it was a dull sort of pain rather than the harsh pain it had been for months before now. Maybe he was actually starting to get better. 

"Shit." Andy murmured, "I knew you were a Marine, but when I heard about that, I didn't think you'd actually known the guy. Were you close?"

"Yeah, he was my best friend." 

Andy just dropped his arm back around his shoulders at that, and when he looked back up at him, it was to find him smiling down at him. It wasn't the pitying sort of smile, which he'd gotten to used to seeing directed towards him, and so he just smiled back as he tucked himself against his side, "It's okay. I miss him a lot, but like.. I've had time."

"Yeah, I get it must be tough though."

"It was really hard for the first while, but I think I'm starting to be okay." He admitted with a small smile. He was relieved to find that it was the truth actually, that he could say that and mean it. 

He just smiled and nudged Andy with his elbow after a moment, "C'mon, let's watch a movie."

  
-x-

  
True to his word, and like he'd told Andy, he'd saved the Colbert's phone number in his contacts, and he'd kept in touch. It wasn't like he called every day - that would have been pretty fucking weird - but he tended to call at least once a week.

He was surprised by how much he actually got along with both of Brad's parents though. Vera was lovely, but he got along with Robert just as well - he'd called Ray more than once after a game on TV or whatever just to chat about it, and obviously Vera called him too just to check up on him. None of them mentioned it, but he had a feeling that maybe they saw him as as sort of a stand-in for a son. Obviously they still had Megan, but Brad had been their only son, so he still couldn't imagine how hard it must be on them, even months later. He was happy to do it though, they were helping him as much as he hoped he was helping them with the whole situation.

Things were good now though, or as good as he'd hoped that they could be. He and Andy were pretty happy together, and he felt at least that he'd settled back into a routine of sorts. He no longer felt like he was getting up in the morning just for another day of sitting around being miserable. He didn't feel as lost anymore. That train of thought was maybe an little bit ridiculous, because it wasn't as though Brad had been around all the time before he'd died and that he was leaving this huge hole in his routine, but still. He didn't feel as though he had to justify the way he'd been grieving, or the way he felt he was starting to recover from it. Either way though, he was going to work, he was seeing Andy regularly, he'd apologised to Alex and had made up with her, and so things were.. good. 

It was on the fifteenth of July when his phone rang, and he quickly checked the caller I.D before he answered with a smile, "Hey, Mrs. C. What's up?" He asked, tucking the phone in between his cheek and his shoulder. He wasn't all that busy really, he'd just gotten home from work and he was looking in his freezer for a frozen pizza that he was nearly sure was still in there, and he was planning on heading over to Andy's later on that evening.

_"Ray, honey. How would you feel about coming back up to San Diego for a couple of days?"_

He did some quick thinking at that, wondering if he could maybe take the time off work. His other sister, Claire, lived in Lawrence, so he'd only taken a few days off maybe two weeks ago to go visit her and his niece Emily. He was pretty sure his boss wouldn't be happy if he asked for more days off, but he was pretty sure he could probably swing it if he caught him in the right mood. They were friendly enough - he'd hooked him up with the job when he'd left the Corps - but he was pretty sure he'd be pushing his luck either way.

"I'll do my best, but I can't guarantee anything. I took a week off not too long ago so my boss might be a little pissy about it. I can try though. Why, what's up?" He asked, shutting the freezer door with his hip once he'd dug out the pizza he was looking for. He figured it was probably nothing big, he'd spoken to them on the phone obviously, but he hadn't actually been back to California since he'd gone the first time. So he guessed that she was probably just angling for another visit from him. He couldn't say he minded though, he'd missed them.

_"They found Brad."_

He dropped the pizza at that, and it slid across the floor before coming to a stop near the balcony door. He just.. fuck. He really hadn't been expecting that. He knew it was good though, that it was probably a huge comfort to his parents to have him home even though they had already had a funeral and had said their goodbyes. 

"Shit, sorry. I- that's great, Vera. Is it- are you going to have another burial, or?" He asked, sitting down. He guessed that that was probably it, that they were going to have another service where they actually buried him this time. He wasn't sure he could handle that though. He'd been trying his best, and he knew that he was slowly starting to get better, but he just.. he'd barely gotten through Brad's first funeral, he really wasn't sure he could handle a second one. 

_"No, it's.. they didn't find his body Ray. They found him, he's alive."_

He'd been punched in the throat exactly twice in his life before; once when he was nineteen and he'd gotten into a brawl outside a bar that he really wasn't supposed to be drinking in anyway, and once when he'd been sparring with Chaffin during BRC. This felt exactly like that though, and he really wasn't sure if he was about to be sick or start crying. He could feel his hand shaking where he'd pressed it over his mouth though, and he guessed that he was probably starting to go into shock. 

"He- what?"

_"He's alive. I can't get into much over the phone, but we're at the hospital with him right now."_

"He's alive?"

He knew he sounded like an idiot, but he just.. it had been months since Brad had officially been declared KIA, he'd been missing for two months before that. Everybody had long since given up any hope that Brad was still alive, and now they had found him. He'd almost think that it was a cruel joke, if it hadn't been Brad's mother calling to tell him the news. 

He could hear the smile in her voice when she spoke again, _"I know he'd love to see you."_

"I'll be there." He promised her. He could worry about getting the time off work later, this was the most important priority right now. After they hung up the phone, he abandoned his pizza in favour of getting on the computer and booking the first flight that he could realistically manage to get on. Maybe it would have been more sensible to wait until tomorrow morning, but he just.. he couldn't wait.

He wasn't wasting any time, not when Brad was alive. 

  
-x-

  
It was only when he was at the airport that he realised he was supposed to have been heading over to Andy's in about an hour, and so he sighed as he pulled out his phone and dialled his number. He was obviously going to go to California, but he knew that he couldn't just drop off the face of the planet. Andy was a good guy, he deserved better than that.

 _"Hey, babe."_ Andy said into the phone once he'd picked up, and he could hear the smile in his voice. 

"Hey, it's me. Look.. I'm gonna have to cancel our plans tonight. Um, something came up, I'm at I'm airport." 

_"Is everything alright?"_

"Yeah, it's uh.. Brad's mom called me. They found him, he's alive." He still couldn't quite believe the words even as he said them to Andy, just because of the fact that it had been months.

_"Shit, Ray, that's great. I uh.. I could probably take a few days off if you want me to come up?"_

"No.. no, it's okay. You stay. I'll only be a couple of days." He said with a small smile. He wasn't sure why he was so put off by the idea of having Andy there, but he just.. it was Brad. It made sense in his head, "Could you just like, check up on the apartment tomorrow or something, though? I kinda packed and ran, so I could've left the back door open or something." 

_"Yeah, I will. Don't worry about it."_

"Alright. Look, I gotta go. I'll text you." 

_"Okay.. love you."_

"Bye." He said, before hanging up. He had a moment to cringe at himself after hanging up, just because he knew 'bye' wasn't an appropriate response to 'love you', but he just.. he was a little bit all over the place right now.

He didn't have time to think about it though, he had a plane to board.

He was pretty sure that he was going to come back to find that he no longer had a job, but he really couldn't have cared less about that as he quickly sent a text to his boss to let him know he needed a few days off - as an emergency - before he switched off his phone. Brad was alive, so he wasn't about to sit on his ass and wait until he was able to take the days off. 

It was about ten at night when the plane landed, and it took him another thirty minutes or so after that to get to the hospital from the airport. Now that he was sitting in the cab though, he could feel the nerves starting to set in. Vera hadn't actually said much on the phone about what condition Brad was in, but he just.. Brad had been thought dead for over six months, and he really doubted that he was living it up in a five star resort during all that time, so he was nervous to see the condition that he was in. Vera had sounded happy on the phone though, and he was pretty sure that wouldn't have been the case if Brad was teetering on death's door, but still. 

Sooner than he was prepared, the cab pulled up to the hospital, and he gave him a couple of bills before getting out. Megan had said that she'd meet him in the hospital lobby, and he smiled as he met her, "Hey, you made it." She said with a smile, pulling him in for a quick hug. 

"Yeah, course I did."

He walked alongside her as they went up to Brad's room, and he swallowed thickly as he trailed to a stop just outside of his room. Megan seemed to pick up on his hesitance though, and she smiled as she put her hand on his shoulder, "How.. is he okay?" He asked, biting his lip gently. Megan considered him for a moment, before shrugging, "I won't lie, he's not great. He's alive though, and the doctors are pretty sure he's gonna stay that way, so it's something."

He swallowed again before nodding, following her into the room. Vera and Robert were there as he'd expected, and even though they both looked tired, he couldn't help but notice that they looked happy. He would be too though, in their position, since they had just found out that their only son was actually still alive, months after they'd had a funeral and had said goodbye to him.

And Brad.. fuck. He could feel himself choking up again as he looked over at him in the bed. He looked.. well, pretty awful actually, if he was being honest. He was thinner than Ray had ever seen him, his hair had grown matted, and there was a rough beard growing over his jaw. It wasn't enough to hide the angry mass of scars though that wrapped around the left side of his throat - the kind of scars that looked like the result of an IED. The skin around his eyes was bruised and tender looking, in the way that suggested he'd been sporting a pretty nasty black eye just before, maybe even a broken nose. As well as that, he had a couple of nasty scrapes on his forehead and left cheekbone, as well as along the bridge of his nose. It was the closed off look in his eyes that really spooked him though, the emotionless way he stared straight ahead of him. He could recognise that expression, it was like Brad had shut himself down to protect himself. 

Still, despite everything, despite the injuries and the various wires and tubes he was hooked up to - he was alive. 

Vera stood to hug him once he'd walked into the room, and he exhaled a shaky breath against her shoulder, "I'm so glad you're here, honey." She told him with a smile, and he just nodded as Robert clapped him on the shoulder, "Yeah, I.. course I'd be here."

"We'll give you a minute with him." Robert told him with a small smile, leading his wife out of the room. 

He just looked at Brad for a moment, before slowly coming around to sit in the chair next to the bed that Vera had been sitting in a moment ago. Brad didn't say anything though, just looked at him, and Ray had half a moment of worrying that he'd somehow had his brains scrambled, before a tiny smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, "Hey." He murmured. His voice was rough, and it sounded as though it was painful on his throat to talk, but fuck.. it was something.

A watery laugh bubbled out of him at that, and he took a deep breath as he rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, "Christ, Brad. You gave us a scare there." He murmured, and he hated that he could feel his voice starting to shake again. He felt like he'd done enough crying already to last him the rest of his life, and yet here he was again. It was different this time though, these were tears of relief at the fact that Brad was actually alive. 

Brad just hummed, turning back to blink up at the ceiling instead of at him. He really couldn't blame him though, he wasn't sure what kind of drugs they had the other man on at the moment, but it was fairly obvious that he was high as a kite, "I'm tired." He mumbled, and Ray nodded, "I know, you can sleep if you want."

"I don't want to sleep. Can't sleep." 

He sighed as he nodded again, reaching over to gently pat him on the shin. He tried not to notice the way Brad flinched slightly at the touch, and right.. he probably should have expected that. He'd been missing for months, and he obviously hadn't been treated the best during those months, so he supposed it was only natural that he'd be a little averse to being touched. Still, his chest felt a little tight at the fact that Brad was still flinching away from him. 

That raised a whole other collection of worrying thoughts though, and he swallowed thickly as he looked over at Brad, "Do uh.. d'you need anything else, buddy? Water, another blanket?" He asked, biting his lip gently. He wanted to feel like he was helping a little, but he just.. he didn't really know what he was supposed to do.

Brad looked back over at him for a moment, before just nodding, "Yeah, water." He murmured.

Because of the way that he had flinched a moment ago when he'd touched him, Ray just sort of hovered at his side while he pushed himself more into a sitting position. He looked like he was in pain though, but like he was trying his best to hide it, and he couldn't help but notice the way the scars trailed further down over his shoulder. That was only what he could see too, he didn't like to think of what condition the rest of Brad's body might be in. He waited until Brad had gotten comfortable before passing him the glass of water that had been on the night stand. Once he'd decided he'd had enough, he took it back, standing to put it back on the night stand. Brad's hand shot out though, and he grabbed him by the wrist. His touch turned gentle after a moment, and he sighed as he pressed his thumb into the palm of Ray's hand, "Can.. um, can you just sit with me for a minute?" 

He was surprised at that actually, he would have thought that Brad wanted him to keep his distance. He didn't like it, exactly, but he understood that it wasn't about what he wanted right now. 

So he just smiled and nodded, biting his lip gently as he looked down at him, "Yeah, course. Can you scoot over just a little? I may be small and convenient, but your giant Hebrew ass still takes up the entire bed." He attempted with a grin, and he was relieved to see a small smile crossing Brad's face before he did what he asked. 

He sat on the edge of the bed once Brad had moved over slightly, although he couldn't help but notice the way he still held onto his wrist. It wasn't the same desperate grab as it had been at first, but he could still feel the way his fingers pressed into the bones of his wrist, "Is this okay?" He asked, glancing down at him once they'd both settled. 

"Yeah." Brad murmured with a nod, leaning slightly into Ray's side. He was more relieved than he let on at the action though, because he didn't want Brad to have to feel uneasy around him. He knew that it wasn't because of him at all, that it was just Brad's natural response to whatever it was that had happened to him over the last few months, but he just.. he wanted him to know that he could trust him. 

"I missed you." Brad piped up again after a moment, and it seemed he was a little embarrassed by his admission if the way he turned slightly away from Ray was anything to go by. 

He couldn't help but smile though, gently nudging Brad with his shoulder, "Hey, I missed you too." He murmured, giving him a small smile, that he was relieved to see was returned. Fuck, he really had missed him. He could still hardly believe that this was actually happening, that he'd spent months trying to recover from the fact that Brad had died, and now he was sitting here with him. Brad was a little bruised and battered, but he was alive, and that was all he could have asked for. 

Brad looked as though he was about to say something more, but they were interrupted by the sound of the door opening, and Vera stuck her head in a moment later, giving them a sheepish smile, "The doctor is here again, she'll only be a few minutes." She told them. He couldn't help but notice how Brad let go of his wrist then, and he stood back up as the doctor followed Vera into the room, "How're you feeling, Brad?" She asked, and he just nodded slightly and shrugged. He hung back while the doctor worked, watching her taking his vitals and checking his IV line. Apparently she'd been around earlier too, and she'd be in for a quick check up every couple of hours. He couldn't say he was surprised at that though, Brad had been missing for months - and while he was still pretty battered, he was in surprisingly okay condition. So he was glad that they were keeping a close eye on him.

He followed after the doctor once she had finished up, biting his lip gently as they walked out into the hallway. He just, he had some questions, but they really weren't the sort of questions that he wanted to ask in front of Brad's parents, "Look, I uh.. I just wanted to ask. He sort of flinched away from me when I touched him, and I.. um." He murmured, sighing as he tried to figure out the best way to approach the question. Eventually he just shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets as he looked over at her, "I know that when this happens, it's not just the women who get raped." He murmured, and just for a second; he was back in Iraq, standing next to the Humvee's and listening in on the TL meeting, hearing Brad point out exactly the same statement. 

She nodded then, an understanding expression crossing her face, "He had a physical exam when he was first brought in, and while he was obviously treated badly, we didn't find anything that would indicate he'd been sexually assaulted." She explained, "He's probably just jittery."

He couldn't help the relief he felt at that, and he rubbed his face as he leaned back against the wall. It was only now that he was starting to realise how exhausted he actually was - a quick glance at his watch told him that it was nearing two in the morning back in Missouri, since changing the time on his watch hadn't exactly been at the top of his priority list. 

When he trailed back into Brad's room, he was glad to see that the older man looked as though he'd changed his mind on trying to get some sleep. He was still awake for the moment though, curled up on his side, and he smiled softly over at Ray. He just smiled back, before turning his attention back to Brad's parents, "I'm gonna head back to the hotel, I feel like I'm about to drop. Can uh, will you call me though if anything comes up?" He asked, biting his lip gently. 

"Of course, honey. You're welcome to stay at the house though, if you want?" Vera suggested.

"Ah, no, its okay. I've already paid for the room. Thanks though, I'll be back first thing in the morning." He said, putting his arms around her for a moment when she hugged him. Once she'd let go of him, he walked back over to Brad, crouching next to the bed, "I'm gonna go for a bit, okay? I'm fucking exhausted." He told him with a slight smile, smoothing his hand over Brad's forehead to push back his unruly hair, "Your mom has my number though, and I'll be back first thing in the morning."

"Okay. Goodnight, Ray." 

"Goodnight." He said with a small smile, before straightening up again. 

Thankfully the hotel that he'd booked a room at was only a ten minute walk from the hospital - although he'd been so frazzled when he'd booked the room while in the cab on the way to the hospital, that he realistically could have booked a room anywhere. He was pretty sure that it was the shock of both hearing that Brad was alive and actually seeing him, that he just hadn't realised how exhausted he actually was until he'd had a moment to stop. He could nearly feel the crash from the adrenaline, and it felt an awful lot like the come down from Ripped Fuel that he'd had during Iraq. 

By the time he got to the hotel room, he just about managed to kick his shoes off before he dropped down onto the bed, on top of the covers. He was asleep before the thought even crossed his mind that he should strip out of his jeans and get under the covers. 

  
-x-

  
When he woke up the next morning to the sound of his phone ringing, it took him a minute to realise where he was. Once he did though, he scrambled to grab his phone from the desk where he'd left it last night. Ordinarily he'd probably have let it ring out, but he had asked Vera to call him if anything came up, "Hello?" He mumbled. 

_"Hey, it's me. I just wanted to check in, see if everything's okay?"_ Andy said over the phone. 

He yawned as he sat on the floor with his back against the bed, rubbing his eyes with his free hand, "Hey. Yeah, sorry, I was asleep." 

_"Are you okay?"_

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just.. I got back to the hotel room last night and just crashed." He told him. He frowned in disdain as he realised that he was still wearing his ratty old t-shirt he'd thrown on after getting home from work yesterday. Well yeah, he'd only gotten in from work when Vera had called him with the news, and changing his outfit again before the flight hadn't really been at the top of his priority list. 

_"How's Brad doing?"_

"He's uh.. he's okay. He's pretty beat up, but he's alive, so there's that." He murmured, biting his lip gently. That was the most important thing really, anything else they could work with. Still, he knew he'd have to call work later and try to swing something, because as much as he wanted to stay here with Brad for as long as he needed him; he knew he needed to go back to Missouri at some point, "How're you?" 

_"I'm fine, don't worry about me. D'you need me to do anything while you're gone? I already texted Derek about the paint job, but I don't have a number for the kitchen."_

"God, you're a blessing. No, it's cool, I'll call them later, thanks though." 

_"Yeah, you sure you're okay?"_

"Yeah, I'm good. I'll call you later, I really need a shower, I'm still in my gross clothes from yesterday" He admitted with a huff of laughter. Andy laughed quietly in response and Ray just smiled, biting his lip gently, "I love you." He murmured, mainly because he still felt pretty bad for not saying it back on the phone yesterday. 

_"Yeah, love you too. I'll talk to you later."_ Andy said, and Ray just smiled again, before hanging up the phone. 

He did feel a little all over the place about the whole thing though, if he was being totally honest with himself. Really, he did love Andy - he was sweet, and thoughtful, and he could honestly see him making a life for himself with Andy. It was just.. there was Brad. Things were difficult there though, it wasn't like there was anything even going on between himself and Brad, but he had resigned himself to the fact that Brad was dead and gone, and now he was suddenly back in his life. So he was pretty sure he could be forgiven for not quite knowing where his head was right now. He was pretty sure the next couple of days would make things a little more clear, but for now he was focusing his energy on just being there for Brad and his family in any way that he could.

He yawned as he ran his fingers through his hair, deciding that he should probably go for a shower. He'd packed a few clothes, just because he wasn't sure of how long he'd be staying up in California for. On that note though, the thought crossed his mind that Brad would probably have nothing for when he was discharged from the hospital. Obviously because of the fact that they'd thought he was dead, his house hadn't exactly been kept as he'd left it. The house itself had been put up on the market fully furnished - thankfully it hadn't actually been bought yet, so that was a small blessing. All of Brad's personal things had been put into storage though, including his clothes. He supposed it was a small mercy that Vera had wanted to keep all of his things in storage though, rather than getting rid of everything. It would probably take a bit of time to get all his stuff back, but at least it was there. 

So he just opened a quick message to Megan, sending her a text that said _"Brad got any stuff at the hospital? Clothes?"_ Before dropping his phone back on the bed. 

He hadn't realised how much he'd been looking forward to a shower until he was standing under the hot water. He'd been a weird mix of work gross, and airplane gross, and hospital gross, and then he'd slept in those gross clothes without even thinking to brush his teeth last night. So yeah, he was pretty grateful of the fact that he was able to wash all that grossness off before going back to the hospital. He could feel the muscles in his shoulders loosening up too, as he stood underneath the water - which he was running a little hotter than he usually would.

By the time he got out of the shower, he could see his phone flashing to indicate that he had a text message. As he guessed, it was from Megan, saying _"fuck, no, got nothing."_ And so he quickly typed back, _"I'll pick up some stuff on the way back."_

He'd sort of already guessed though that Brad wouldn't have anything for leaving the hospital. On hearing that he was actually alive, obviously Brad's family's first priority wasn't going to be making sure that he had a change of clothes. 

So after downing a quick cup of coffee made from the powdered sachets that the hotel provided, he changed into fresh clothes and grabbed his phone and wallet before heading out. 

His first stop was Target, and he headed up to the menswear section. Honestly, he didn't really know what size of anything Brad wore, so he just did his best to guess as he grabbed a couple of t-shirts. Brad had always been pretty built, with broad shoulders and a slim waist - plus he was fucking tall. Now though, it wasn't hard to see that he'd gotten a hell of a lot skinnier since he'd seen him last. It wasn't exactly a surprise though, he hadn't imagined that he was being fed well while being held hostage for months on end. So he figured he'd play it safe, and accommodate for his height rather than his weight, and he kept that in mind while he grabbed a few t-shirts, two pairs of sweatpants with a drawstring waist, a pair of jeans, and a comfortable looking sweater. On top of that, he picked up some socks and boxers, a belt in case the jeans were too loose, and a pair of trainers in what he was ninety-nine percent sure was Brad's shoe size. It was just to keep him going for the next couple of days until they could get the rest of his shit back out of storage. 

He made a quick stop to the electronics section before he left, picking up the first somewhat decent cellphone he saw. Again, he wasn't sure if Brad still had his phone, or if it was in storage, or if it was just gone altogether, but he'd feel a lot better knowing that he had a solid way of getting touch with him if he needed anything. He didn't really have much of a clue when it came to cellphones and what made for a good one - radios were more his area of expertise - but the one he'd picked looked to be okay. Besides, it didn't need to be anything flashy, it just had to be able to make phonecalls - even though he knew Brad was into his flashy tech. 

He was on the way out to the rank to try and catch a cab back to the hospital, when his phone rang again. After digging it out of his pocket, he was surprised to see Nate's name coming up over the called I.D, "Hey, Nate. What's up?" 

_"Hey, I heard the news about Brad."_ Nate started, before stopping again for a moment, _"You did get the news too, right?"_

"Yeah, I uh.. I'm actually in California now, I came up last night." He said as he walked down to the rank, tucking the phone into his shoulder as he switched the shopping bag into his other hand.

_"How is he?"_

"He's.. alright. He's lost a fuck ton of weight, and he's got all these scars, but he's mostly in one piece." 

_"And what about mentally? Does he seem okay?"_

"Well I haven't seen him today yet, but he was pretty loaded up on painkillers last night. He knew where he was and who I was though, so I'm pretty sure he's still all there." He explained with a shrug that he knew Nate couldn't see. He hoped that that was the case anyway. He was a little nervous to see how he'd be this morning, but like he'd said; he was pretty sure that his brains hadn't been scrambled. Even so though, he'd been a little slow last night - from being doped up to the eyeballs, he guessed - so he wondered if he'd be a little more aware this morning. 

_"Yeah, well I'm glad to hear that much, at least."_ Nate said, and he could almost hear the relief in his voice. Well yeah, he understood that, he knew that Brad and Nate had been close. Obviously they'd looked to each other for guidance a lot when they'd been deployed, but he knew it ran deeper than that too, that they were real friends on top of that. For a while, back before he'd thought his feelings for Brad had been reciprocated, he'd half wondered if there was anything else going on between Brad and Nate. The other guys had thought that too - there'd actually been a betting pool back in Kuwait on whether or not Brad and Nate were secretly fucking, but he knew now though that they were just close friends. It wasn't hard to see that Nate had obviously had a thing for Brad, but it obviously hadn't been reciprocated, and now he was settled and happy with his girlfriend Lauren, _"Mike was passing the news around, so don't be surprised if you get a call from some of the other guys."_ Nate continued after a moment.

"He didn't fucking call me. Wh- hold on a sec." He groused, before asking the cab driver to take him to the hospital once he'd gotten into the cab, "What's that about?" He asked, when he got back on the phone. 

_"He actually mentioned that to me. He said he was gonna call you, but he'd assumed you'd already heard."_

"Yeah, well." He muttered. Still, he supposed that Mike probably had enough on his plate at the moment. He'd recently been promoted to Master Gunnery Sergeant, plus he'd sort of unofficially taken on the role of keeping the guys from Bravo Two that had left the Corps up to date on shit like this - which was why he'd been the one to call with the news of Brad's death in the first place. So he supposed he couldn't be too bitter about the fact that he hadn't called him, when he'd guessed correctly that he'd already heard the news, "I'm gonna go, I'm on the way back to the hospital. I'll tell Brad to call you later though, if he feels up to it." 

_"Yeah, that'd be great actually. Go on, take care of yourself, Ray."_

"Yeah, you too." He said with a small smile, before hanging up the phone. He was glad to hear that the news was getting around that Brad was alive, but he was also glad that it wasn't his responsibility to spread the news. He was having enough of a time trying to come to terms with it himself, without having to make all of those phonecalls. 

It didn't take him much longer to get to the hospital, the traffic thankfully hadn't been too bad on the way up - although he supposed it was eleven in the morning on a Friday, so they had missed all of the rush hour traffic. He wasn't sure why he got antsy nowadays from spending too much time in a car, considering the Humvee had been the closest thing to home that they'd had during their deployment. Maybe it was because of that though, that they'd spent too much time cramped into the Humvee and now it just made him uncomfortable. Or maybe it was just because he wasn't the one driving, either way. 

He went in once he had paid the driver, carrying the bag of clothes with him while he walked up to Brad's room. When he got there though, he was surprised to see Megan and his parents sat in the seats out in the hall, "What's going on?" He asked, biting his lip gently. 

"A couple of men from the Corps came by. Apparently they needed to debrief Brad." Vera explained with a sigh. She looked exhausted, he couldn't help but notice, and he wondered if any of them had slept at all last night. 

"Right, have they been in there long?" He asked as he sat next to Robert. 

"About half an hour." Vera said, before sighing again and shaking her head, "They couldn't have waited? He's exhausted, he's not-"

"I know, Vera. I know. It is important stuff though, they need names and locations, anything he can remember." He said apologetically. Plus, there was the very small chance that Brad could have been brainwashed and intentionally released. He'd been missing for months, and it wasn't unheard of for that to happen. The last thing they needed was for Brad to not be properly debriefed, and for him to end up being a sleeper agent for the other side. He was pretty sure that that wasn't the case here, but it had happened to stronger men than Brad Colbert. Still, he obviously wasn't going to voice that possibility to Brad's family. 

"Look, why don't you guys go home for a while?" He suggested, "I'll be here, and I'll call as soon as these guys leave, and I'll call if anything at all comes up, alright?" He quickly added when Megan looked as though she was going to protest. He got that they wanted to stay, but all three of them looked exhausted, and it wouldn't do them any good to sit here all day and burn themselves out. 

"Okay." Robert eventually conceded, and they said a quick goodbye - where Ray assured them again that he'd call if anything came up, before they were taking their things and leaving. He got that they didn't want to leave, he hadn't exactly wanted to go last night either, but he knew it would do them good to go home and get some sleep. He felt a hell of a lot better this morning, after some sleep, a shower, and a coffee. On that note, he figured that maybe he'd grab a coffee for Brad. He couldn't imagine that they'd be in there with him for too much longer anyway. 

So he quickly headed down to the main hospital concourse and beelined for the first coffee stall that he saw. He had half a moment of trying to remember what the fuck sort of coffee Brad liked, before figuring he was probably safe enough in asking for two black coffees and just bringing up sugar and creamer packets. Once he'd done that and had made his way back up to Brad's room, he was only waiting another ten minutes or so before the door opened, "Oh." He murmured, standing as the two men walked out, "Colonel Ferrando, I.. didn't expect to see you here." He said, before nodding at the other man, "Colonel Matthews." 

"Likewise, Corporal Person." Godfather rasped, and goddamn it - he'd been out of the Corps for over a year by now, and he still felt as though he was standing in front of his old school principal. 

"Well, y'know. Brad and I are close." 

Godfather just nodded at him, giving him what he was pretty sure was supposed to be an encouraging smile, "We'll leave you to it then. Stay frosty." He told him, and then they were leaving. 

He rolled his eyes after a moment, quickly typing out a message on his phone to Vera that Ferrando was gone and that he was with Brad now, before just grabbing the bag of clothes he'd brought with him and letting himself into Brad's room, "Hey." He murmured with a small smile. 

Brad looked like he was pretty emotionally drained - which he couldn't really blame him for, considering the interrogation he was pretty sure he'd probably just been through - but he looked.. better. He looked as though he'd at least been up to have a shower, and his hair had been trimmed back short - it was a little longer than was regulation, and a little longer than the high-and-tight that he was used to seeing on Brad, but it looked good on him. He'd had a shave too, but there was a light layer of stubble covering his jaw, rather than the clean shaven look he'd always seen Brad wearing. It suited him though. The scars on his neck stood out a little more drastically without the beard, but he tried his best not to look too long as he settled back in the chair beside the bed, "I brought you a coffee, thought you might want it." 

Brad just smiled as he took the coffee, adding the creamer and one of the sugar packets that Ray had brought with him, "Godfather was here." He said quietly. 

"I know, I just saw him outside. It's crazy, I haven't been a Marine for like.. a year and a half now, and I still feel like a kid in trouble when I'm standing in front of him. And I didn't even have that many run in's with him even when I was a Marine." He said with a slight grin, "What did they want?"

"The usual. Where was I being held, was there anyone I recognised, do I know what happened to the other Marines who were reported missing." He murmured, and a slight frown crossed his face at that. He assumed that that meant he probably didn't know what had happened to them. He hadn't heard anything either, whether the others had been found alive too - all he'd heard was that Brad was alive, and that had come straight from Vera. 

"I got you some clothes and shit, for when you're discharged." He said after a moment, because he didn't exactly want to get into this right now. He knew it had probably been hard enough for Brad to have to recount everything with Godfather only minutes ago, so he didn't want him to feel like he had to do the same with him, "I got you a phone too. I don't know if it came up at all, but all of your shit is still in storage. Your house is still furnished and it's been taken back off the market, but it could take a while to get all your stuff back." 

"Okay. The doctor said I could probably be discharged this evening." 

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, physically I'm okay, so." He murmured with a shrug, and he didn't like to think of the way he'd pointed out that it was purely physical.

"Were you here last night?" Brad asked again, before he could respond to his last sentence. He wasn't too surprised to hear that actually, he'd been able to tell almost as soon as he'd walked into Brad's room last night that the other man had been high as a kite on whatever painkillers they'd had him on. He could see the IV still hooked up to his arm, so he guessed that they'd probably just lowered the dosage rather than taking him off it altogether. 

"Yeah, it was late though, I was only here for like.. half an hour. I pretty much came straight from work yesterday, so it didn't take me long to hit the wall." He explained with a small smile. Well yeah, it was like as soon as he'd seen that Brad was alive and in one piece, his body had decided to switch off. 

"I'm glad you came." 

He couldn't help but smile then, ducking his head slightly. Well yeah, he was glad that he'd come too, but it was a relief to know that Brad returned the sentiment. He didn't want to feel as though he was smothering him by being here, but he couldn't imagine going home now either. He knew he'd have to eventually, probably soon, but yeah, "Course I was gonna come." 

Brad just smiled back at him, biting his lip gently, "Fucking hick." He teased, and Ray could only laugh. 

Fuck, he couldn't help but be reminded then of just how fucking in love with Brad he was, how in love with him he'd always been. He knew that things were different now though - he had Andy, and Brad had been through such unimaginable shit that even if Andy hadn't been around, that it wouldn't have been fair to try and start something with him now. Still, that didn't change the fact that things had always been different with Brad. He wasn't denying the fact that he loved Andy, because he did, but it was just.. he and Brad had fallen in love under circumstances that Andy would just never understand. Well.. he'd fallen in love with Brad anyway, and he was pretty sure Brad had fallen in love with him too.

He smiled and rolled his eyes after a moment, digging the phone he'd bought out of the shopping bag and sitting on the end of Brad's bed, "Okay, so I know it's probably not as flashy as the shit you're usually into, but it was hard enough to not buy you one of those old people phones - y'know the ones with the huge fucking buttons? Just 'cause that'd be fucking hilarious. But anyway, this is what you're getting." 

He watched as Brad opened the box and took the phone out, inspecting it for a moment. He couldn't help but notice as he watched him though, that Brad's left wrist had a pretty nasty scar curling around the bone of it too, as well as tender looking markings either side of it, that suggested it had hastily been stitched back up. He'd missed that last night, but he'd been a little too preoccupied with the scars on his throat then. He just had to keep reminding himself that at least he was all still in one piece, that he hadn't been raped, that he was still alive. 

"It's acceptable." Brad said with a hint of a smile, handing the phone over to Ray so that he could plug it in to charge. He quickly opened the contact list and added a few numbers that he could remember of the top of his head - his own, Brad's mom's, Nate's, to name a few. 

"Oh hey, I talked to Nate earlier on. I told him you'd call if you felt up to it, no pressure though."

"Yeah, maybe." 

"Apparently the news has started to spread that you're back among the living, so I'd expect a couple more phonecalls too." 

Brad was quiet for a moment, and Ray wondered if he was maybe shutting down a little at the thought of talking to anyone else. He knew that Brad had never been a social creature though, so he wasn't going to make him talk to anyone he didn't want to. It was fine though, he'd always been able to talk enough for the two of them, "What was it like?" He asked after a moment, and Ray just glanced at him. 

"What was what like?" 

"Those months, where you thought I was dead."

Honestly? He didn't even really know what he was supposed to say to that, mainly because how could Brad have thought that it was anything other than the worst months of his life? So he just shrugged, biting his lip gently, "It was really fucking hard, homes." He murmured, "It didn't really feel real until the funeral. But get this, even fucking Encino Man and Sixta showed up for the service." He told him with an attempt at a smile. He was trying his best to go for lighthearted, because he really didn't want to have to admit to Brad how badly he'd taken the whole thing - how he'd been cutting the other guys out right from the beginning, how he'd been quickly drinking himself into a dark place and how he'd fallen out with his own sister over it. How it had taken Nate Fick basically moving himself into his place for a week for him to start trying to get his head screwed on right.

"There was some good news, though. Walt's missus is pregnant, and Nate's finally getting married." He told him with a small smile. Well yeah, there'd been that. That was it really, life had gone on even without Brad. Sometimes he'd felt as though he was the only one stuck in the past, that he didn't want life to just go on without Brad in it. Still, none of that mattered now.

"You hungry? I can take a walk and try and swing something for you. Pretty sure that cafe I passed on the way up did like.. bagels, and shit." He suggested.

"I could eat." Brad said with a nod. He couldn't help but notice though that he hadn't touched his coffee, even though he'd adjusted it to his liking. Still, from the amount of weight he'd lost, it wasn't hard to guess that he'd been pretty starved over the last few months. So he was pretty sure that he probably wouldn't eat a bagel if he brought him one, but he was still going to do it anyway. 

"Alright, cool. Ten minutes."

  
-x-

  
The rest of the day was.. surprisingly okay actually. 

Brad was unusually quiet, but he hadn't exactly expected him to be a total fucking chatterbox. Still, like he'd said before, he'd always been able to talk enough for the two of them. It was easy to fill the silence, to rattle on about things that didn't matter all that much. Brad hadn't exactly been kept in the loop over the last couple of months, so he didn't have to think too hard to come up with things to talk about. It did make him feel sort of warm inside though, when he caught Brad occasionally smiling softly at him as he rambled on. 

As he'd expected, he hadn't really eaten the bagel. He'd just sort of picked at it until eventually giving up and wrapping it back in the paper it had come in. He obviously didn't mention it though, he just left it on the table when he'd tidied up their trash, just in case he wanted it later. 

He'd had to step out for a couple of minutes so that he could call the kitchen and explain that he wouldn't be around for a couple of days. He could tell that his boss wasn't too happy about it, but what else was he supposed to do? It wasn't like he was taking the days off for the hell of it, plus he was already in California, so there was that. He'd called Andy too, while he was out in the hallway, just to let him know that everything was okay, and that he'd let him know how long he was planning to stay once he knew himself. Honestly, he couldn't have been more grateful for how he was handling the whole thing. It would have been totally understandable if he'd been pissed off with the whole situation - with how Ray had cancelled their plans last minute and had disappeared halfway across the country with no warning, for how long he didn't even know. So yeah, he was more than relieved that he was being so good about the whole thing. 

He just wasn't sure why he was still so reluctant to tell Brad about Andy. Well.. no, he knew exactly why. But he just, he couldn't make himself do it. He knew that it wasn't fair, because Andy was a pretty important part of his life at this point, but he and Brad were in a good place right now, so he didn't want to end up maybe ruining that by breaking the news that he was seeing somebody. Maybe he was kind of enjoying the fact that this.. whatever he and Brad had obviously hadn't gone away. He was pretty sure that he wasn't leading Brad on though, because like he'd said; even if Andy wasn't around, it certainly wasn't the right time to initiate something between them. 

When he got back from making his phonecalls, Brad had been watching him with an odd look on his face, "What's up?" He asked, as he settled back in the chair next to the bed. He was pretty sure the chair was going to mould to the shape of his ass, but Brad was pretty confident in the fact that he'd be discharged today, so that was something at least. 

"My bike.. is it gone?" Brad asked, that same frown still crossing his face. 

"No, it's in storage. Don't worry about that." He assured him with a smile, patting him gently on the knee. He was a little more than relieved to see that he didn't flinch away from him this time, not like he had last night. Still, he understood that Brad had been worrying about his bike, he'd never seen anybody get as attached to an inanimate object as Brad obviously was to his bike. Then again, Brad had been the one that had thrown a hissy fit and cried when their Humvee had gotten stuck in a Sobka field and they'd thought that they'd have to abandon it, so it obviously wasn't just the bike. 

His parents had eventually dropped back in, and Ray was glad to see that they looked better. He got it though, he hadn't realised how wound up he'd been last night until he'd actually stopped for a minute, and then after passing out for eight hours; he'd appreciated the shower more than he'd imagined he would. So he was relieved to see that they looked a little less frazzled, a little less on edge. It was nice to see Brad hug his mom though, because he knew that despite the fact that he played up to the Iceman nickname - that he pretended to be tough and cold and unfeeling - that he was really a big mama's boy at heart. Still, he'd always seen straight through Brad's bullshit, and he knew that Brad knew that, so he was glad that he didn't feel as if he had to keep that front up in front of him. 

The doctor came by again later that evening for Brad's final check up, and afterwards let them know that he looked okay to be discharged. Obviously he was to take it easy for a long time - Ray was pretty relieved actually that his bike was still stuck in storage for the time being, because it meant Brad wouldn't be tempted to take it out for a spin. He knew that the older man knew his limits, but he also knew that he liked to push them. So he was glad that that temptation wouldn't be there until he was a little stronger. 

While Vera and Megan accompanied the doctor to go get the discharge papers sorted, Robert told them that he'd give them a little privacy to get Brad's things sorted. The doctor had offered to call a nurse to help Brad get up and get dressed, but Ray insisted that he had it handled. He knew what Brad was like, that he'd rather end up hurting himself than accept that he needed help getting changed. So he just hoped that he'd be okay with it if it was him, that he'd rather it was him there than some nurse he didn't even know. 

"I don't need help." Brad insisted as he sat on the edge of the bed, giving Ray his best Iceman glare as he did. 

"I know, dude." He shrugged as he went through the shopping bag that he'd brought, pulling out a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, as well as boxers, socks, and the trainers. He wasn't going to insist on actually dressing Brad, he'd just be there to give him a hand if he got stuck in the t-shirt or anything, "I'm not your fucking maid, I'm just here to laugh at you when you get stuck in your shirt, 'cause you wouldn't accept help from the potentially smokin' hot nurse." 

Brad just rolled his eyes, taking the clothes that Ray handed to him. He did sort of want to help him though, as he watched him shrugging out of the hospital clothes - just because of the fact that he was moving stiffly, steeling his face into a deliberately neutral expression that Ray could see straight through. He busied himself with sending a quick text to Walt while Brad stripped off, because he'd feel like some kind of pervert if he just sat and watched him while he struggled into his underwear. Once he'd gotten them on and it was safe to look again, he turned back to him, trying his best to keep the smile plastered on as he looked at him. He knew that Brad had lost a lot of weight, obviously, but fuck.. he hadn't exactly been prepared to see just how unhealthily thin he'd gotten. 

He could easily count his ribs from here, and his collarbones stood out sharp and painful looking. Brad shirtless had always been a sight worth seeing, and that much hadn't changed, but fuck.. Brad had never been shy about his body, he could still remember quietly having a crisis whenever Brad would walk around shirtless back in Iraq - gorgeous and sunkissed and completely aware of it - he was pretty sure that the asshole knew exactly what he was doing. Now though, it broke his heart to see the way that Brad sort of hunched in on himself, his arms wrapped protectively around his own torso. He was pretty sure that he was doing his best to hide the scars and painful looking bruises that Ray had gotten a glimpse of when he'd first stripped out of his shirt.

"C'mon, the Doc will be back and you'll still be here dawdling." He said with what he hoped was a convincing smile, getting up to pluck the t-shirt from where it was on the bed at Brad's side. He handed it over to him with a small smile, shoving his hands in his pockets while he waited for Brad to pull it on. He tried his best to act nonchalant about the whole thing when Brad eventually took the t-shirt and pulled it on, resolutely avoiding Ray's eyes while he did. He understood why he was embarrassed, but he just.. he really didn't want him to have to feel that way around him. The scars were pretty awful, he wouldn't lie about that - and it wasn't hard to imagine some of the things that Brad had been subjected to just from looking at them. Still, the scars didn't change the fact that he still thought Brad was beautiful, but anyway.

It didn't take him much longer to finish getting dressed, and he sighed as he pulled the drawstring tight on the sweatpants. He was glad actually that he'd had the forethought to get ones like that, because he'd underestimated how thin Brad actually was. 

"Hey." He said, while he watched him fussing with the laces of the trainers, "What's up? You were in a good mood earlier, and now you look like you've swallowed a wasp." He said with a shrug, sitting back on the end of the bed. Well yeah, he couldn't help but notice the slightly sour looking expression that Brad was wearing. 

Brad just shrugged, biting his lip gently, "Is my house ready yet?" He asked. 

"Uh, no, but your mom said she made up the spare room for you, right?"

Brad was quiet again at that, his eyebrows still knitted together in that same frown. "Do you not wanna go home?" He asked after a moment, looking over at him. Well, that was the only explanation that he could come up with, even though it didn't really make sense to him. Brad had been held in hostile territory for months, and he'd been stuck in the hospital since he'd gotten home. So he just.. he'd assumed that he would have been happy at the idea of going home, of trying to go back to normality. 

"It's not that.." Brad started, shrugging again, "It's just.. I know they mean well, but they'll be fussing. I think I need some space."

"Yeah, I get that." He said with a small smile. Well yeah, he understood what Brad meant. He knew that his family would only have his best interests in mind - that they'd want to make sure he was comfortable, and that he was eating properly, and that he was feeling okay. But he also knew exactly what Brad was like, and that he'd probably only feel a little smothered by all the attention. Brad was fiercely independent, so he really wasn't surprised at the fact that the first thing he wanted was space. 

"Why don't you stay with me for a couple of days? I'm staying in a hotel not far from here. It's not much, but I can guarantee you I'd shoot myself in the face before I start waiting hand and foot on you." He teased with a slight grin. Well yeah, it would put him at ease having Brad right there with him - even if the room did only have the one bed. Still, they could work around that. 

"Are you sure?" Brad asked, looking over at him.

"Fuck yeah, homes. It'll be like a proper sleepover." 

Brad just smiled then, rolling his eyes. He'd be happy for Brad to stay with him actually, even if it meant sleeping on the couch in the hotel room for the next couple of days. Obviously he wouldn't ask him to sleep in the couch, considering the state that he was still in.

Megan and Vera came back shortly after with the discharge papers, along with the doctor, who smiled at them, "Have you any questions, at all?" She asked.

"Yeah, I uh.." He glanced over at where Vera was showing Brad the discharge papers and where he'd have to sign, before glancing back at the doctor, "I got a couple."

They stepped aside, and he put his hands in his pockets as he looked up at her, "He's gonna be staying with me for a few days, and I know he won't tell me shit. Is there anything I need to keep an eye on, like.. changing dressings or anything?" He asked. He knew Brad would insist that he was fine, but he also didn't trust him in the slightest to admit if he needed help with something. 

"No, nothing like that. He's a little weak, but I imagine you guessed that already. His left shoulder and left wrist were both broken. They're both healed by now, but he obviously wasn't given stellar medical care, so both breaks are still very weak and probably will be for a long time - especially the wrist." She explained. It made sense, he supposed, as he thought of the nasty looking scar on Brad's wrist. It was the kind of scar that - coupled with the knowledge now that he'd broken his wrist - had been the result of an open fracture that had been sloppily set and stitched back up. Fuck, it was a miracle that he hadn't died from a fucking infection on top of everything else. 

"The rest of the scarring looks to be the result of an explosive device, but we're confident that the only issues there will be cosmetic. His nose looks to have been broken quite recently, but that was at least set properly." She continued, quickly flicking through Brad's file as she did. He wasn't surprised to hear that though, he'd guessed as much from the tender looking bruising around his eyes, "Apart from that, it's just making sure he takes care of himself. He's underweight obviously, dehydrated. And I'll make sure that you're given some leaflets for counselling sessions and a therapist before you leave." She told him with a smile. 

Well yeah, he'd been concerned about Brad's mental wellbeing actually, now that it had been mentioned. Obviously the physical injuries had taken precedence, but he knew that they had to keep an eye on Brad to make sure he was doing okay mentally too. The last thing they needed was to ignore that and have Brad going off the deep end. 

"Yeah, that's great. Thank you." He said with a small smile, before ducking back into Brad's room. 

-worried about you." Vera was in the middle of saying, a frown on her face while Brad shook his head. 

"It's only for a few days. I just.. I need this." Brad answered her.

"What's going on?" He asked, and Vera just glanced back at him.

"He's insisting he's staying with you instead of coming home." 

He was relieved that she didn't sound pissed or upset with them, it was just.. he got it. Brad was her only son, and she'd only found out that he was alive yesterday after months of thinking he was dead. So he understood that she wanted to bring him home and keep him safe. Her doing that would drive Brad crazy though, so maybe it was for the best if he did stay with him even just for a day or two. 

"Yeah, I said he could, if he wanted. Just for a day or two, to give him a little time to get back on his feet." He explained, biting his lip gently. He knew that it was totally Brad's decision, but he'd grown to really like Vera, she'd been so good to him over the last few months, so he didn't want her to be pissed at him over this. 

She just looked at him for a moment, before sighing and nodding, "You'll take care of him?" She asked. 

Brad tutted from where he was still sat on the bed, rolling his eyes, "I'm turning thirty soon, I'm not a child." 

They both ignored him though, and Ray nodded as he looked over at Vera, "You know I will." He told her, giving her a small smile, "Look, the hotel is only ten minutes down the road, and you have both our numbers. If he so much as stubs his toe, I'll call you, okay?" He insisted. 

"Okay, fine." She eventually conceded, nodding again. He was glad that she trusted him on this, but then again; she knew that he wasn't just some random buddy of Brad's. She knew what they were, or what they could have been. Either way, what he meant was that she knew how he loved Brad and how he'd do whatever it took to keep him safe. 

Eventually they were set to go, and he carried Brad's bag as he trailed along behind him. He was pretty sure that they'd all noticed how Brad was moving a little slower than usual, but considering the recently broken bones and the bruising that he'd seen earlier, it wasn't hard to guess that he was sore. Still, he was glad nobody mentioned it though. He was relieved at the fact that the hotel was only a ten minute walk from here, because he wouldn't have made Brad walk the entire way there if it had been any more than that. 

It didn't take them long to get there once they had said goodbye to Brad's family - Ray insisting yet again that he'd be watching him like a hawk - and he let them in once they reached his room, "So, this is it." He shrugged, giving Brad a small smile as he sat on the edge of the bed. He could tell that he was maybe a little worn out from the trip here. 

Now that they were here, he realised that maybe he should have offered to book Brad his own hotel room, rather than getting him to stay here with him. Still, it wasn't like that, it was just.. he wanted to keep an eye on him, and he'd promised Vera that he would, so he felt a little bit better about having him right there. 

"You hungry?" He asked, putting his hands in his pockets. They'd brought Brad his dinner in the hospital, but he really couldn't blame him for the way he'd pushed the food around the plate for ten minutes before deciding he wasn't hungry. Hospital food was pretty crappy at the best of times, and so he totally got why he hadn't been too crazy on eating it. 

"I could probably eat, yeah." Brad admitted with a shrug. 

He didn't know how he wasn't fucking ravenous by now, considering he hadn't really eaten anything all day - he'd gone back to pick at the bagel a little more, but he hadn't eaten much more of it. He was about ready to eat a chunk out of the damn bible that hotels like this always had in the nightstand, and he'd already eaten a proper lunch. Still, he guessed Brad was probably just used to not really eating, "Cool, what are you feeling? I could grab us Dennys or something?" 

He smiled once Brad agreed, wiping his hands on his jeans for a moment before standing up again, "Cool, I'll only be like.. twenty minutes." He told him, "Maybe give Nate a call actually, if you feel up to it." 

"Yeah, I will." He answered with a nod. 

He ducked into the bathroom to take a piss, finding Brad still sat on the edge of the bed and fiddling with the phone once he got back, "Alright, I got my phone, so just call if you want me to pick up anything else." He told him with a small smile. Once he'd grabbed his wallet again, he let himself out, heading back out. 

Like he'd said before, he was glad that Brad had chosen to stay with him for the next couple of days. Maybe it was for selfish reasons, that he just wanted it to be Brad and himself for the next couple of days - even though he had absolutely no intentions of letting anything happen between them. Not that he assumed that that was Brad wanted. He guessed that maybe things hadn't changed for Brad either, he'd caught him looking at him from time to time with that sort of soft expression on his face, but he knew not to assume. Brad's family had nothing to worry about though. Like Brad had already insisted, he wasn't a child, and he could look after himself, but he'd be right there if he needed any help at all. 

It didn't take him long to get to the Dennys, and it was only then that he realised he'd forgotten to ask Brad what exactly he wanted. He figured that he couldn't really go wrong with nachos though, and so he ordered them two portions of the loaded nachos. What wasn't there to like - there was cheese, and meat, and salsa, and he'd happily eat whatever Brad left over. He'd told Brad to give him a call if he wanted him to pick up anything else, but since he hadn't, he figured it was safe to head back to the hotel.

Once he got back up to the room, he let himself in, smiling at the sight of Brad lying on the bed watching TV, "Hey." He murmured with a small smile, pushing himself into a sitting position when he noticed Ray letting himself back in. 

"Hey, so I got nachos. I totally forgot to ask what you wanted, so I figured these were okay? I'll go back though if you want something else." 

"No, this is good. Thank you." Brad said with a small smile as he handed over the box of nachos. 

He dropped down to sit next to Brad on the bed as he opened his own nachos, although he couldn't help but notice the way Brad scooted over slightly to lean into his side. It was barely noticeable, but it was definitely there, "What are we watching?" He asked, glancing back at the TV. 

"The A-Team."

"Oh, cool. I remember watching this when I was a kid." He said with a smile, "I always wanted to be Murdock when I grew up." 

"That explains so much about you." 

He just laughed in response, gently elbowing Brad in a way that he knew wouldn't hurt him at all. 

They lapsed back into silence after that, watching the TV while they ate their nachos. He tried his best not to be too obvious about the way that he was watching Brad, even though he most definitely was. He just.. he was relieved to see that he was actually eating. Since actually seeing how unhealthily thin he'd gotten, he'd been pretty determined about getting some proper food into him. He understood though that Brad had gotten used to running on the bare minimum, so it would probably only do more harm than good to get him to stuff himself as soon as he was able. They were better off doing things like this, even if nachos weren't exactly the greatest when it came to nutritional value. Still, it was better than nothing.

By the time the episode they were watching was over, he'd finished off his box of nachos, and Brad seemed to have gone back to picking at his rather than actually eating them. Still, like he'd said, he was glad to see that he'd eaten most of them, "You done?" He asked, smiling as he stood up from the bed.

"Yeah, thanks." Brad said with a smile, handing over the box. He seemed at ease actually, which Ray had to admit he was glad to see. He hadn't been too concerned when he was actually in the hospital, but he did have to admit that he'd been maybe a little concerned about how he'd do with just getting back to real life. He knew that he'd already been debriefed, but nothing more had been said about when he'd have to report back for duty. Maybe that was something to have a conversation about - another time though.

"Alright, I'm gonna go for a quick shower, and then the bathroom is yours if you want it." 

"Yeah, cool." 

So he just grabbed a change of clothes from the bag he'd brought, before heading into the bathroom. He'd have to talk to Brad later about what they were doing, how long he was planning on staying and all that. He knew he'd have to go back to Missouri eventually, but he was pretty sure he could wrangle another couple of days out of his boss. It wasn't like it was just a social trip though, it was important that he'd come. Still, like he'd said, they'd have to talk about it. 

He didn't waste too much time in the shower, he just did what he had to do before taking a couple of minutes to just stand underneath the water, his head tipped back underneath the spray. It was crazy how much more at ease he felt, simply from just having Brad there with him and knowing that he was safe and alive.

Eventually he switched off the water and stepped out of the stall, humming as he dried himself off, _"Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block."_ He sang under his breath as he towel dried his hair. Once he'd pulled on his boxers and a t-shirt, and after a quick check to make sure he hadn't left any pools of shower water that Brad would slip on, he yawned as he opened the door, _"Used to have a little, now I h-"_ He continued, before stopping when he realised Brad was right there once he'd opened the door. 

"Jesus Christ, Brad. I know you might be a poor damaged invalid right now, but you're still stealthy as fuck and eight foot tall, so a little warni-" He started, although he was cut off by Brad just cupping his face between his hands and pressing their lips together in a soft kiss. 

For a moment, the only thing he could do was kiss him back, bunching his hands into the fabric of Brad's t-shirt at his waist. Fuck, how long had he wanted this? How long had he thought about doing exactly this, just grabbing Brad and kissing him breathless? Way too fucking long anyway, he thought as Brad slowly walked them back until he was pressed against the wall behind him, one of Brad's hands behind his head to stop him from knocking it on the wall. Brad's tongue was warm and wet when he licked into his mouth, and fuck.. it seemed that he'd been right in his assumptions that the older man would be a fantastic kisser. It was only when Brad broke the kiss to trail his mouth over the curve of his jaw, and he dropped a hand down to palm at Ray's ass over his boxers, that Ray realised exactly what the fuck they were doing.

"Wait, stop." He murmured, turning his head away from Brad. He just, he couldn't do this. Not that he didn't want to, but the circumstances were all wrong. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if he went through with this. 

Brad pulled back just enough to look down at him, confusion written on his face, "I'm sorry, I thought.." He started, and Ray shook his head. 

"No, it's not that." He assured him, his fingers toying with the collar of Brad's t-shirt as he rested them between them on his chest, "I have a boyfriend, Brad, I'm seeing somebody." 

He was a little concerned about what Brad's reaction to that news would be - not because he thought he'd flip out or anything - but he just.. he didn't want him to retreat back from him because of this. He wanted things to stay as they were, but he knew that they probably wouldn't after this, "Oh." Brad just murmured, before dropping his arms from around Ray and taking a step back from him. Fuck, he knew that it was the right thing to do, but he couldn't help but want to pull him back over and wrap his arms back around him. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't know." He murmured, biting his lip gently. 

"I know, it's- it's okay." He shrugged, giving him an attempt at a smile. Fuck, where the fuck were they supposed to go from this? He couldn't see Brad wanting to stay here with him now that he knew this, and he couldn't help but wish that he'd never said anything. Still, he knew he'd done the right thing. 

"This boyfriend.." Brad started after a moment of silence, and Ray almost didn't want to hear what he had to say, "Please tell me he's not either a form of livestock, or one of your cousins? Because I would hate to burst your bubble, but both of those options are very illegal. I know it might be socially acceptable in your red-state shithole, but it is technically illegal." He deadpanned.

Ray could only look at him for a moment, before a surprised laugh bubbled out of him. He just, of all the things he'd been expecting Brad to say, that certainly hadn't been one of them. It was just so typically Brad though, that he couldn't help but be taken aback, "Yeah, fuck you too, homes." He teased with a grin, when he noticed that Brad was trying his best to hold back a smile. Now was usually when he would have made a 'your mom' joke, but he felt weird about doing it now since he'd gotten to know Vera so well. 

Brad just smiled, putting his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants as he stepped back out of Ray's space and sat on the edge of the bed. He couldn't help the relief he felt though, at the way he looked surprisingly okay. If their situations were reversed, he probably would have slunk off by now to lick his wounds in peace. So to Brad's credit, he actually looked like he was taking the news gracefully, "Not to turn this into a big homosexual talk about feelings, but are you happy?" He asked, biting his lip gently. 

"Yeah, I am." He answered honestly. Well yeah, he'd never felt as though he was settling with Andy, and he could honestly say that he was happy with him. 

"Okay, that's what matters then." Brad said with a small smile, nodding again, "What's he like?" 

"He's.." - 'like you' his brain unhelpfully suggested, although he just shrugged, "He's good to me, y'know? He's been looking after the apartment and stuff while I'm here. He probably deserves more credit than I give him, I think I'd have thrown a fit if I was him, and he'd called to say he was disappearing halfway across the country for God knows how long with a guy I'd never met." He admitted with a small smile. Well yeah, Andy had taken the whole thing remarkably well, and he really wouldn't have blamed him if he'd been a little more pissed off at him. 

Brad just nodded again, giving him a small smile, "Well then I'm glad you have him." He murmured, and it seemed that that was that. 

"I'm gonna go for that shower." Brad started again after a moment of silence, wiping his hands on his thighs before he stood, "I won't be long." He told him, before heading into the bathroom once he had gotten a change of clothes from the shopping bag Ray had brought with them. 

Once he'd shut the door behind him, Ray sighed as he dropped to sit on the edge of the bed where Brad had just been, running his fingers through his hair. Fuck. How long had he genuinely wanted to kiss Brad like that? How long had he wanted to thread his fingers through Brad's hair and see what sort of desperate noises he could wring from him? Way too fucking long, and he'd known that the feeling was mutual. But he just.. he knew he'd regret it forever if he hadn't put a stop to it when he did. It wasn't fair on Brad or Andy, and he knew that he'd have to live with that guilt for the rest of his fucking life if he'd let it go any further. 

Yeah, it fucking sucked, but he knew he'd made the right decision. 

  
-x-

  
By the time Ray had made the conscious decision that they should probably hit the hay, Brad had been quietly dropping off next to him, and he'd been no better really. It had been a long day though, so he was pretty sure neither of them could be blamed for it, despite the fact that it wasn't even ten o'clock yet.

He didn't feel that bone weary tiredness that he had last night though, the exhaustion that had come from that crash he'd had once he'd slowed down for a moment. He was still pretty tired though, and Brad seemed to have been going between dropping off to sleep and insisting he wasn't tired for the last half an hour while they watched the TV. By the time he switched the TV off though, he'd been slouched against Ray's shoulder with his eyes closed. 

"Alright, c'mon, up." He murmured, gently nudging him with his shoulder as he reached over with the remote to turn the TV off. Brad stirred after a moment, blinking up at him, and Ray had a moment where he couldn't help but think of how cute Brad was like this - then he realised that if Brad knew he'd ever thought of him as 'cute', that he could consider his days numbered. Eventually he seemed to realise that Ray was waking him up for a reason, and he yawned as he sat up and rubbed his face, "You good?" He asked with a small smile, and Brad just nodded from behind his hands. 

He smiled and rolled his eyes as he got up from the bed, heading into the bathroom to quickly brush his teeth and take a piss. He'd had a look in the closet earlier, and had found that there was a spare pillow and blankets in there - plus the couch didn't look as though it was too uncomfortable to sleep on - so hopefully he wouldn't find it too hard to get a decent nights sleep. Once he'd finished in the bathroom, Brad headed in to do what he had to do. While he was busy in there, he got the spare pillow and blankets out from the closet, yawning as he set up on the couch. Like he'd said, he wasn't as exhausted as he had been last night, but he was just tired enough that he doubted he'd find it too hard to get to sleep. 

Brad came out of the bathroom after a moment, although a frown crossed his face when he noticed Ray on the couch rather than in the bed, "What're you doing there?" He asked. 

"Trying to sleep, it's actually surprisingly comfortable." 

"I mean, why are you on the couch?" 

"Well, I wasn't gonna make you sleep on the couch. Apart from the fact that you look like you've been through a meat blender, you're eight foot tall. Meanwhile, I'm compact enough to fit on the couch and still be comfortable." He shrugged, giving him a small smile. Well yeah, he wasn't about to make him sleep on the couch when he'd looked like he was in pain the entire time they were walking back to the hotel. 

Brad just looked at him, biting his lip gently, "The bed is big enough." 

He sighed, scratching the back of his neck, "Brad-"

"I'm not-" Brad interrupted him, before cracking a small smile, "You're a diseased hick fuck. I just don't want to have to listen to your bitching when you wake up tomorrow with a fucked up back." 

He just looked at him for a moment longer before smiling and rolling his eyes, "Whatever, move your huge ass over then." He told him as he stood up. He wasn't totally sure that that was purely Brad's reasoning - considering the way he'd grabbed him and kissed him earlier - but he wasn't about to call him out on it. Still, Brad at least knew now that he had a boyfriend, so it wasn't like there was the potential for something to happen between them if they slept in the same bed.

He slid into the bed next to Brad once he had moved over, smiling as he glanced over at him, "I've got Advil and shit if you need it, so like.. don't worry about waking me up if you need anything at all." 

"Ray, shut the fuck up and go to sleep." 

"Yeah, will do." He said with a roll of his eyes as he settled down. Okay, he had to admit that the bed was a lot more comfortable than the couch, even though he'd been willing to sleep on the couch earlier, "Night, Brad." 

"Yeah, night." 

  
-x-

  
When he woke up, he wasn't exactly sure what it was that had woken him up - considering the room was still dark enough to suggest that it wasn't even five in the morning yet. 

He knew that it was something that had woken him up though, that it wasn't his body naturally waking up because they'd gone to sleep early last night. When he felt Brad stirring next to him, he squinted in the dark to see him as he glanced over in his direction, only to find that he was sat on the edge of the bed. That explained it, he supposed, he'd probably been slightly on edge in case Brad needed something during the night, and so the slight movement next to him had probably been enough to disturb him out of sleep, "Hey, what you doing?" He asked as he leaned over to switch on the lamp. 

"Turn it off." Brad snapped. 

For a moment he didn't react, and then he frowned as he did what Brad asked and switched the lamp back off, leaving the room in darkness again, "Brad-" 

"Don't. Just.. leave it alone." Brad told him, and he really didn't know what he was supposed to do about the realisation that Brad was crying. 

Fuck. 

He'd seen Brad cry before, in Iraq when Trombley had shot those children, when the Humvee had gotten stuck and he'd cried from frustration, but this was different. He'd known that he wasn't okay, it would have been pretty fucking stupid for him to assume that he would be totally fine after what had happened to him. He'd been holding it together incredibly well up until now though, he'd only seen little glimpses of the fact that he wasn't doing as well as he was letting on - like how he'd flinched away from him at first in the hospital, or the slightly vacant expression he'd caught on his face from time to time. He hadn't expected this though, to catch him actually letting down the front and crying. Still, it was obvious that he hadn't meant for Ray to see this. 

"Hey, it's okay." He murmured, sighing when he heard Brad scoff. 

"Shut up, Ray. It's.. I'm not a fucking child." He snapped again, before sighing shakily as he dropped his head to bury his face in his hands. He could hear the way he was still struggling to control his breathing though, how he was trying his best to not sound as though he was crying, "It's nothing."

"Brad, you're allowed to not be okay." He murmured, biting his lip gently. His eyes were starting to adjust to the dark, he could see the way he sat with his head still in his hands, "What you went through.. even just to be sitting here with me now, you're so strong for that. Nobody expects you to come back from that without being a little hurt." He told him softly. He just, he didn't really know how to handle this. Despite the fact that he'd always seen straight through it, he was so used to Brad putting up his Iceman front - to him pretending everything was okay even when it wasn't. 

Brad didn't answer him, but another sob was wrenched from him after a moment, and Ray sighed at how he didn't even attempt to hide it this time, "Hey." He murmured, biting his lip gently, "I'm gonna hug you, is that okay?" He asked. He waited for Brad's quiet 'yeah', before he scooted over to Brad's side of the bed and put his arms around him from behind, resting his cheek against the back of his shoulder. After a moment, Brad moved his hands away from his face and down to Ray's arms, to grip them where they were around his waist. 

"It's okay." He murmured, swallowing thickly. God, it broke his fucking heart to sit here with Brad like this - to feel him shaking under his touch, to hear him cry like that. Like he'd said before, this wasn't the first time he'd seen Brad cry, but it was the first time he'd seen him cry like this. He was glad that he wasn't trying to hide it anymore though, that he was just letting it out - even if it made him want to cry too, as he listened to the way he sobbed. It was just the fact that he knew he couldn't do anything to help, that there was nothing he could do to fix this. 

"It was horrible, Ray. I wish that I had fucking died."

"Don't say that. Please." He told him, pulling one of his hands back so that he could swipe at the tears he found running down his own cheeks. He just, he couldn't listen to this. He'd only just gotten Brad back after months of thinking that he was dead, so he wasn't sure how he was supposed to handle sitting here and listening to Brad say that he wished he'd never survived. 

"It's true though." He told him, his fingers tight where they held onto Ray's, "Every time I managed to fall asleep, I wished that that was the last time, that I wouldn't wake up again." 

"Brad, stop it." He told him, pulling his arms back so that he could pull him around to face him instead. He tried not to focus on the tiny hurt noise that Brad made when he did, as he cupped his face between his hands to look at him, "You're safe. You're here with me now, and I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, d'you get that?" He asked. 

Brad just looked at him, and even though it was still dark in the room, he could see the way his face was streaked with tears, the hurt look in his eyes, "I'm not okay, Ray." 

He just sighed as he pulled him in and wrapped his arms around him again, letting Brad tuck his face against his neck, "I know." He said softly, running his fingers through Brad's hair in a way that he hoped soothed him slightly, "And I know I can't do anything to fix that, but I'm here, okay?" 

"Yeah." Brad murmured, his own arms draped loosely around Ray's waist. He could feel him shaking slightly against him, but at least he wasn't crying his eyes out like he had been a couple of minutes before - he seemed to have gotten himself somewhat under control. He continued to just run his fingers through Brad's hair, and after a moment he felt him press a soft kiss to the junction of where his neck met his shoulder. He closed his eyes, biting his lip gently as he leaned into the touch for a moment, "Brad-"

"I know, I'm sorry." 

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, until he could feel Brad starting to relax in his arms. He leaned back slightly, just enough to comb his fingers gently through Brad's hair again with a small smile, "D'you think you can sleep again?"

"Yeah, I'll try." 

He nodded, moving back just enough that Brad could lie back down and draw the covers back over himself. Once he had, he laid down too, and he smiled as he looked across as him, "D'you need anything?" He asked, and Brad shook his head.

"No." He murmured, settling into the pillow a little more, "Thank you." 

"You don't need to thank me." 

He closed his eyes then, trying his best to turn his mind off and drop off to sleep. After a moment though, he felt Brad's fingertips gently touch his where they were resting in the space between them. Without opening his eyes, he turned his hand over so that Brad could thread his fingers through his, giving his fingers a gentle squeeze once he had. Okay so he knew that he'd warned Brad off a minute ago when he'd kissed his neck, but they could have this at least. It was comforting, and Christ knows that comfort was something Brad could definitely use right now.

He knew he was probably pushing his luck a little though when he drew Brad's hand closer to him and pressed a quick kiss to his knuckles, "Go to sleep, Brad." He murmured, his fingers still twined with Brad's as he settled back down.

  
-x-

  
The next time he woke up, Brad was still asleep next to him. 

A quick glance at the clock told him that it was nearing nine in the morning, and so he didn't feel too put out by having woken up again. He glanced over in Brad's direction, smiling when he saw that he was still fast asleep. 

Last night had been.. fuck, he really hadn't been prepared for that. He knew how strong Brad was, how strong he'd always been, so he'd half expected him to never let the facade slip. He was used to Brad putting on a brave face and pretending everything was okay, even when the world was crashing down around him, so he just really hadn't been expecting last night. The only other time he'd ever seen Brad lose his cool like that had been in Iraq that time, after they'd been ambushed in the kill zone and he'd dragged him off afterwards.

Still, he had a feeling that Brad hadn't meant for him to see any of that last night, that he'd deliberately waited until he was asleep before letting the walls come down. 

He sighed as he turned over onto his side, watching Brad as he slept. He looked so much more at ease than he had last night, and it was a relief to see his face smoothed out in sleep - no sign of the anger or the heartbreak that had been there last night. He had one hand resting on his stomach, his head turned towards Ray in his sleep. From here, the scars on his neck were on full display, and he sighed as he pushed himself up on an elbow so that he could get a good look at them. God, it was.. the scars had long healed by now, but they were still angry and tender looking, and he swallowed as he gently brushed his fingers over them. He couldn't even begin to imagine how painful that must have been while he was healing, plus he doubted that the sub-par medical care he'd obviously gotten had helped much.

He was distracted from his examination by the sound of his phone vibrating on the nightstand. Leaving Brad where he was, he leaned over to grab the phone, finding a text from Walt, _"All okay?"_

 _"Yeah, he's asleep. Had a bit of a moment last night, but he's okay now."_ He sent back, biting his lip gently. 

_"How's he doing?"_

_"He could be better. I'm worried about him."_ He admitted, running his fingers through his hair. He just, it was obvious now that Brad wasn't doing as well as he was letting on, and he just hated that he couldn't do anything to fix that. Still, he knew that all he could do was just be there for Brad for as long as he could be. 

_"Get him to call me later, if he's up for it."_

_"Will do."_ He sent back, before dropping the phone back onto the nightstand with a low groan, rubbing his face once he had. After a moment, he felt Brad stirring next to him, and it seemed that he'd disturbed him by dropping the phone, "Hey." He murmured with a small smile, turning back over to him. 

Brad just smiled, running his fingers through his hair, "Hey." 

"How're you feeling?"

"I'm okay." He murmured with a shrug, turning onto his side too so that he was facing Ray, pulling the sheets up to his chin. Like this, he couldn't help but think how fucking cute he looked - like he'd said before though, he knew Brad would end him if he ever caught him thinking like that, "Look, about last night. I'm s-"

"Don't say you're sorry. You don't have to apologise for that." 

Brad just hummed again, and after a moment he reached over to brush the backs of his fingers against Ray's cheekbone. He closed his eyes for a moment, swallowing as he leaned into the touch. Shit.. realistically, he knew that if Brad were to try and kiss him now, that he wouldn't have it in him to say no. Still, it didn't come to that, and Brad pulled his hand back after a moment. When he opened his eyes, it was to find Brad smiling at him again, and he bit his lip gently as he folded his arms under the pillow instead, "What's the plan for today?" He asked.

"I was thinking I'd maybe head to the storage yard, see can we make a move on getting your shit back." He shrugged. Well yeah, Brad's house was pretty much ready for him to move back into, it was just that all his personal shit was still in storage. 

"Is the storage yard in San Diego?" 

"Nah, dude, it's in Oceanside. I was thinking maybe I'd leave you at your mom and dad's place for the afternoon, rent a truck for the day and head up there with Megan." He explained with a shrug. Well yeah, it didn't make sense to drag Brad all the way up with them. He could chill at his parents house for the afternoon while Ray and Megan did the heavy lifting and bring all of Brad's shit back to his house, and then he could come back down to San Diego and get him. He knew Brad could be a little fastidious at the best of times, so it was probably safer to have him there when they started to actually redecorate the house.

"I could come with?" Brad suggested with a shrug, and Ray just shook his head. 

"Nah, it'll be a long and boring day, and besides; I know you'll only try and insist on doing the heavy lifting, and that's not happening. So you're gonna stay put." He told him. Well yeah, he knew what Brad was like, he knew he wouldn't just sit and watch, that he'd insist on helping, "Besides, your mom missed you. I think she'd be happy with getting you for the afternoon." 

Well that was it too, since they'd gotten the news that Brad was alive, his parents had barely gotten a moment alone with him, so he knew they'd probably be grateful to have both him and Megan out of their hair for the afternoon. He knew that Brad liked to play tough shit and that he'd insisted he needed space, but he knew he was a big softie at heart really, so he doubted it'd be too hard to convince him. 

He nodded after a moment, pulling one hand out from underneath the pillow to rub at his eye with a knuckle, "Yeah, okay then." He murmured with a nod. 

"Cool." He chirped, before dragging himself up and out of the bed, "I'm gonna go get us some coffee from the machine downstairs, those complimentary sachet things they left us are shit. You want anything else?" He asked as he found his jeans where he'd left them, pulling them on over the boxers he'd worn to bed last night. He'd shower and change once he got back to the room, this was just to get decent enough to go downstairs without being asked to leave. 

"No, just coffee is good." 

"Cool. If you're up to it actually, Walt wanted you to give him a call."

"Yeah, I will." 

He watched as Brad sat up and stretched, and he couldn't help but notice the slightly uncomfortable expression he wore as he did - not like he was in pain, but more like he was just stiff. Still, he crouched to rummage through his bag for a moment until he found the pill bottle of Advil he was looking for, "Here, take two of these. No bitching." He told him, tossing the bottle over in his direction. Thankfully, Brad didn't argue, and he swallowed down two of the pills with a mouthful of the bottled water on the nightstand - he tried his best not to look too long at Brad's throat as he did, or the way his Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. 

"Alright, I won't be long. Call Walt." He told him as he shoved his feet into his shoes, reaching down to right the heels of them once he had. He winked when he noticed Brad's disdain as he watched him do that, straightening up with a grin.

"Ten minutes." He told him as he grabbed his phone, before heading out. 

He was glad to see that Brad seemed to be in a slightly better mood than he had been last night, but it didn't change the fact that he was still a little worried about him. Seeing Brad break down the way he had last night.. it wasn't something he'd ever expected to see. Still, at least he knew now, he knew that Brad's mental state was a little more fragile than he'd originally thought - and he honestly couldn't say that he blamed him in the slightest. 

He dialled Megan's number while he headed down to the breakfast hall, tucking the phone in between his shoulder and his ear, "Hey, Megan." He said with a smile when she answered. 

_"Hey, Ray, what's up? Is everything okay?"_ She asked. 

"Yeah, fine. I was wondering if you wanted to take a drive up to Oceanside today?"

_"Uh, sure. What for?"_

"I was gonna call the storage yard, see can we get Brad's stuff back." He explained as he pressed the button on the coffee machine, waiting for the cup to fill, "I thought I might leave him at your mom and dad's place for the day and rent a truck to get his stuff. No point in leaving it much longer." He shrugged. Well yeah, he knew he'd have to go back to Missouri eventually, and he wanted Brad's place to be ready by then. As much as he wanted to stay holed up in the hotel room with Brad forever, he knew that they couldn't. 

_"Oh, yeah. Sounds good actually. What time?"_

"We're just having coffee and stuff, and I might drop him off then. An hour, say?" 

_"Yeah, great."_ She said, and then, _"How is he?"_

"He's okay." He just shrugged. Well yeah, he didn't exactly want to get into this over the phone. He'd tell her about last night when he saw her, but he just.. for now, it was just easier to pretend everything was fine. 

_"Alright. Well, cool, I'll pick you up from my mom's and I can drive us up."_

"Yeah, awesome." He said with a smile, before hanging up. After quickly swapping the Styrofoam cups around so that the second coffee could start pouring, he quickly called the truck company to rent a truck for this afternoon, as well as the storage yard to let them know that they'd be coming. Megan had the keys to Brad's storage container, so he just had to wait to get her. He let his own cup of coffee brew, as he added sugar and creamer to Brad's - the way he remembered him doing in the hospital room.

By the time he got back up to the room, Brad had changed and had seemingly finished on the phone, and he was lying on the bed watching TV, "Hey." He murmured, as he pushed himself into a sitting position. 

He smiled as he sat on the edge of the bed, passing the coffee over to him, "Hey, I called your sister there, she's gonna meet us at your mom and dad's place in an hour." 

"Okay." He said with a nod, and it seemed that was that, until he spoke up again, "Walt's having a baby." 

"Yeah, dude. I told you." 

Brad just hummed, his fingers tapping gently on the side of his cup. He looked like he was thinking pretty fucking hard about something, and so Ray just kept quiet and let him do his thing, "I uh.. I'm glad I don't-" He started, before sighing as he seemed to rethink what he wanted to say, "I'm glad I didn't put a family through that." He eventually settled on. 

He got it, really. He knew it had been hard enough on Brad's parents and sister to lose him the way they had, without Brad having a partner and kids to go through the same thing. Fuck, he couldn't imagine how hard it would have been if Brad had had kids, how the fuck they would have explained to them what had happened. He chose not to mention how - together or not - he'd still felt like his entire fucking world was crashing down when he'd gotten the news that Brad had died. 

"Yeah, I get that." He murmured with a nod, "It would have been harder." 

Brad glanced over at him, something obviously still playing on his mind, "I know what I always said - about like, getting married and shit. But I don't know, it seems stupid now." He murmured with a shrug. 

Well yeah, he was completely familiar with Brad's stance on marriage and children - more so, with the fact that he had always claimed to never want either. He got it though, he probably wouldn't have wanted that either if he'd been burned the way Brad had been. On that note though, he couldn't help but think of how fucking furious he'd been when Katie had shown up at the funeral. As far as he was concerned, she'd lost the right to show her face there when she had broken Brad's heart and left him for his best friend. 

"Katie was at the funeral, y'know." He murmured with a shrug. There'd been no word from her since finding out Brad was alive, but he wasn't sure whether or not to be surprised at that.

"No, that's- I don't love her anymore, Ray."

"Well I should fucking hope not." 

"I mean.. I wasn't talking about her." 

He just looked at Brad at that, biting his lip gently. He really wasn't sure what he was supposed to say - at the implication that Brad was talking about him. Well yeah, maybe it hurt his heart a little to think about what he and Brad could have had, if things hadn't played out the way they had, "Brad-" 

"I know. Just.. if things had turned out differently, if this hadn't happened, would we have had a chance?" He asked. 

Obviously he knew how Brad felt about him - it wasn't hard to guess from the way he'd kissed him last night - and he was pretty sure Brad knew that he felt the same for him, but this was the first time they'd actually talked about the fact that there could have been something.

"Yeah, I think so." He eventually answered, with a nod. 

"Okay." Brad just said with a shrug, a small smile crossing his face. He seemed to see something on Ray's face though, that he hadn't realised was there, "It's okay, Ray. I know things have changed." 

"They haven't, not really." 

He wasn't sure why he'd felt the need to blurt that out, but he just.. he needed Brad to know that not that much had changed. Things were different now because he had Andy, but if he hadn't? He'd have no reservations about wanting to be with Brad. Nothing had changed about the fact that he loved him, and that he was pretty sure he always would. It was just.. circumstance. 

Brad just smiled at him for a moment, before turning his attention back to his coffee. He was glad that that seemed to be all he wanted to say on the topic though, because he really wasn't sure how he was supposed to handle any more conversation about how he and Brad could have been together and happy if this hadn't happened. It was a lot, and yet; he knew that Brad was just wondering. He knew that he wasn't trying to make him feel guilty for the way things had played out, or that he wasn't trying to persuade him to be with him instead. He could see that he was genuinely just curious about how things could have been. 

"At the risk of sounding like I'm being an asshole about it - which I'm not - but uh.. I'm glad you've got Andy." Brad started again after a moment. 

Like he'd said, he knew that he wasn't trying to make him feel guilty, but he had to admit that he was a little taken back by that - mainly because he hadn't expected Brad to want to talk about Andy, "Yeah, he's a good guy. It's easy with him, y'know?" He shrugged. Well yeah, Andy wasn't a Marine, so it wasn't as difficult with him as it would have been with Brad - there was no DADT to tiptoe around, he didn't have to worry about Andy being deployed. Things were uncomplicated with him, or they had been anyway until Brad showed up alive.

"Will I get to meet him?"

He just looked at him for a moment then, because honestly? He would have thought meeting Andy would be the last thing Brad would want, especially after that conversation just there about all the things that could have been. Still, he supposed he was glad that Brad was being supportive of this, rather than sulking about it like he knew he easily could have. 

"Do you want to?"

"Yeah. I mean.. he's obviously a big part of your life." 

He just nodded then, biting his lip gently, "Yeah, okay then." He nodded again, before shooting a slight grin over in his direction, "Promise you won't act like a total caveman in order to scare him off?" 

Brad barked out a laugh at that, and he couldn't help but smile too. Goddamn it, it was just so nice to hear that after the gut-wrenching way he'd cried last night. He caught the pillow that Brad tossed in his direction, shoving it back at him, "I'm not that scary, it's his own fault if he gets intimidated." 

"Yeah, fuck you too, Brad." He teased with a grin.

  
-x-

  
Once he'd showered and dressed after they had finished their coffee, Brad was happy enough for them to get going. 

Since they were hoping to have the house finished by the end of the day, he figured there was no harm in bringing Brad's shit with them - so that if he wanted to go back to staying at the house this evening, that they wouldn't have to stop by the hotel again. There wasn't much really, just the bag of clothes, which was why he was pretty eager to get this done today. The rest of Brad's clothes were all in storage, and while the house had still been furnished with the likes of his TV and all of his kitchen shit, all of his personal things like his laptop and his surfboard and his bike were still in storage. Not that he wanted Brad going out on the board or the bike any time soon, but it would be good for him to just have all of his things back anyway. 

Just before they were ready to go, Brad stopped, a frown crossing his face as he looked over at Ray, "What's up?" He asked, once he'd noticed. 

"Are we coming back here afterwards?"

"Well.. if the house is done, you can stay there, I guess."

He knew his family probably didn't want him going back just yet - just because of the fact that Oceanside was a forty minute drive from San Diego on a good day - but he had to get back to his life eventually. If he wanted that, then he could maybe book a hotel room closer to Brad's house -while he was of the opinion that they should give Brad a little space to let things go back to normal, he'd also feel a little better if he wasn't forty minutes away from any of them in case he needed anything. 

"Are you staying with me?" Brad asked after a moment, biting his lip gently. 

"I will if you want me to." He told him. Well yeah, he hadn't wanted to impose on Brad's space in case there was the small chance that he didn't want him there, but he was more than happy to stay at the house if Brad wanted him to. 

"Yeah, I'd like that." Brad admitted, giving him a small smile. 

"Alright, let me just get my shit together and we can go then, yeah?"

He was maybe a little relieved actually that Brad had asked him to stay with him. Not that he felt like Brad needed to be.. monitored, or anything like that - since Brad had made sure to tell him last night that he wasn't a fucking child - but he just, he'd feel better about being there with him. 

So once he'd gotten his shit packed in the bag he'd brought with him - there wasn't much, admittedly, because he'd packed and left in a hurry - they left the hotel once he'd checked out and given back his key, and strolled over to Brad's parents' house. He was glad that the hotel wasn't too far from their house, because he hadn't had the forethought to rent himself a car for when he was here, and he didn't want Brad wearing himself out just on the way over to the house. Still, he knew he had to snap himself out of thinking like that - Brad had been through so much shit, but he was still the strongest person he knew. 

"So Megan is gonna pick me up from your mom's and we're gonna drive up to Oceanside. Once we're done, she's gonna come back and get you, and drive you back up to the house, that cool?" He explained. Well yeah, they'd do what they could, but he was pretty sure Brad would want to give his input on where all of his shit actually went. He didn't want them guessing, only for Brad to feel like he had to redo the entire house once he was left alone for a moment. 

By the time they got to Robert and Vera's house, Megan's car was already outside, and he shoved his hands in his pockets while Brad knocked on the door, "Are you planning to be up at the house all day?" Brad asked, quickly turning to him before either of them opened the door. 

"Could be, depends on how long it takes to get all your shit together." He shrugged, "Hopefully not, but we'll see."

Brad just hummed again, and then Vera opened the door to them with a smile, "Hi." She said, moving back to let them in, "Megan is here already, do you two want coffee or anything?" She asked, and he waved at Megan as she came out of the living room and stood behind her in the hallway. 

"I won't, no. We should probably just get going, if you're ready?" He said, directing that last part towards Megan. 

She nodded then, sidestepping around Vera to join Ray out on the front step while Brad trailed in to the house, "Yeah, may as well go now." 

"Alright, cool. Brad, I'll call you when we're on the way back, yeah?" He said with a smile, giving him a quick thumbs up once he'd nodded, "Great, see you later." 

He followed Megan out to her car once Brad and Vera had gone back inside, sliding into the passenger side seat once he'd dumped his bag in the trunk. The company he'd rented the truck from wasn't actually far from the storage yard up in Oceanside, so it was easier for Megan to just drive them both up and then he could leave the truck back once they were finished. 

"So how were things last night?" Megan started once they had gotten out on the road. 

He'd expected it really, obviously he knew that Brad's family were probably concerned about how he was doing - especially since they hadn't been there last night to keep an eye on him. It was different in the hospital, they'd been there to make sure that he was doing okay then. So he just shrugged, glancing down at his phone where he was flicking through one of those news apps that had come with the phone, "He's okay, you know how he is." 

"What aren't you telling me?"

He sighed, biting his lip gently as he switched his phone off and shoved it back in his pocket. He supposed he should have known that he wouldn't get off the hook that easily, but then again; it was Brad's family, so he guessed that they had a right to know. 

So he just shrugged, "I woke up last night and he was crying." 

Megan sighed, and when he glanced over at her, she was just looking directly out the windshield in front of her, "Did he say anything?"

"Not exactly. I mean.. he didn't say what had happened to him or anything." 

"What _did_ he say though?"

If he was being totally honest, he didn't exactly want to tell her what Brad had said. How was he supposed to explain that? Last night had been hard enough as it was without bringing his family into it. 

"Ray-"

"He said that he wished he had died." 

She didn't say anything again for a moment, and he didn't really know what he was supposed to say to her. She was Brad's sister, he understood how hard it must have been for her to hear that - especially when they had spent months thinking Brad was dead. Still, he knew he couldn't keep something like this from her. As much as he wanted to wrap Brad up and have it be just the two of them against the world, Brad had a family that were concerned about him. 

"He's not okay, is he?" She eventually asked quietly. 

"I don't think so." He murmured, biting his lip gently, "He knows that we're all there for him, it's just.. I can't imagine it's easy to just go back to normal life after what happened, y'know?" 

"Yeah. Do you- I mean, d'you think he'd talk to somebody?" She asked, glancing in his direction for a moment. 

"I doubt it." He admitted, "You know what he's like." Well yeah, Brad would barely talk to them about what had happened over there. He really doubted that he'd meant for him to see him crying last night, and he still hadn't actually opened up and talked to him. So he highly doubted that Brad would actually go and see a counsellor, even though the doctor had left them with a couple of pamphlets and phone numbers, "I'll talk to him though, see what he thinks of the idea." He told her, with what he hoped was a reassuring smile. 

"I just don't want to lose him again." She said softly. 

He got that. Fuck.. he really did. Things weren't exactly good right now, Brad was obviously still hurting and he doubted that he'd be okay for a very long time, but things were definitely looking a little brighter than the last few months had been. Especially at the start. Still, he knew what she meant, they couldn't afford to assume everything was fine just because Brad was home and then have him going off the deep end and putting a bullet through his brain. He doubted things would go that far, even though Brad had said that he wished he'd died over there, he didn't think that he was suicidal exactly - or so he fucking hoped not anyway. Still, he knew it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on him. 

"Hey, I'll talk to him, okay?" He said, giving her a smile again. 

  
-x-

  
The traffic thankfully hadn't been too bad, so by the time they made it up to Oceanside, it was closer to thirty minutes ago that they had left Brad's parents house rather than forty. 

The first stop once they got there was to head to the rentals place, so that he could collect the truck he'd called about earlier. He wasn't inside too long, and after a couple of minutes he was walking out with the keys to an old Ford pickup truck. It wasn't huge, but he was pretty sure renting an actual moving truck would have been a little unnecessary. He knew that Brad wasn't one for hoarding stuff, plus all of his furniture was still in the house, so he was pretty sure that they'd be able to manage. It was really only the bike and his surfboard that he was a little concerned about fitting in the bed of the truck. Otherwise, he was only expecting a couple of boxes with clothes and books and other shit like that, and plus they still had Megan's car too if there wasn't enough space in the truck. 

Once he was in the truck, he let Megan drive on ahead, and he followed after her until they got to the storage yard. It wasn't too far from the rentals place though, and once they had parked, he hopped out of the truck and trailed over to her, "So, Brad's container is.. number twenty-six." She told him. 

It didn't take them long to find the container, and he stood back with his hands in his pockets as she unlocked the container. As he'd expected, there was Brad's Yamaha R1, as well as his two surfboards. There were a good few boxes, but he was relieved to see that - on closer inspection - they were all neatly labelled. At least it'd make it a little easier to unpack all of Brad's shit once they had him at the house. 

"Alright. Let's get started, I guess." He shrugged, shooting a smile at Megan before climbing into the container. 

They got the bike out first, and thankfully it wasn't too much of a hassle to get it up into the bed of the truck. As much as he'd never admit it to Brad, but they probably could have used him around for this part - considering his 5'9'' stature, and Megan was only an inch or so taller than him. He knew that he'd use that to bully him forever though, so like he'd said, not happening. 

After that, it wasn't too much hard work, it was just going back and forward, loading the boxes into the truck, although a couple of them went into the trunk of Megan's car too. He'd obviously underestimated Brad's hoarding tendencies, because there was a lot more shit than he'd thought there would be. One of the unlabelled boxes he'd come across, seemed to be full of tangled wires and cables and shit, and when he'd raised an eyebrow in Megan's direction, she just shrugged, "I don't know, you know what he's like with his crazy tech shit." She shrugged. He supposed she was right though, he thought back to Iraq when Brad had had that crazy watch that could only be synced by hooking it up to the computer. 

Eventually they had everything loaded, and Megan locked the container back up. He supposed there was no point in giving back the keys, Brad might find it useful in the future, so he supposed they could just give him the keys once they were done here. 

The drive back to Brad's house was only ten minutes or so, and by the time they got there, he was struck with the realisation that he'd never actually seen Brad's place before. It was one of those things where he'd never really realised before now. Still, they were here now. Megan tossed him the keys to the garage while she unlocked the front door, and he wheeled the bike in once they'd gotten it out of the trunk, "Wait, did he have a car?" He asked Megan once she had joined him to bring the surfboards in. 

"He did, but it's gone. We kept the bike 'cause he loved it, but he never really liked the piece of shit car he had, so." 

"Alright, cool." He shrugged, making a mental note to remind Brad of that, and that he should probably look into getting another car. 

Once he'd locked up the garage, he followed Megan into the house, finding her going through the boxes, "Alright, give me a job." He told her, putting his hands in his pockets.

She looked through another couple of the boxes, before pointing him towards a couple that were off to the side, "They're clothes, if you wanna bring them into the bedroom." She suggested, and he gave her a thumbs up before doing what he was told. There weren't many boxes of clothes really, it seemed that most of the boxes were full of just stuff rather than clothes. Brad's bedroom was.. pretty much what he was expecting actually. White walls, and white sheets on the king sized bed - the frame of which matched the wood of the dresser and the closet doors. There was a small en suite bathroom off to the side, and he could see the ocean from the bedroom window. If he was being honest, it was maybe a little clinical looking, but he supposed that that was probably just because there weren't any personal touches, it would probably look a little better once all of Brad's shit was put away.

He emptied the boxes, humming quietly as he sorted through the clothes. He wasn't entirely sure where Brad would want to put everything, but he could at least sort them out so that Brad only had to decide where to put everything. He couldn't help but smile and roll his eyes though when he realised that Brad had more eighties band t-shirts than he'd thought he would - and he huffed in amusement under his breath at the idea of Brad in the white Duran Duran t-shirt he'd found, or the ratty old REO Speedwagon one, which he was pretty sure had been black a long time ago, and was now a faded grey.

"Ray, I'm gonna go get Brad." Megan called through to him, and he looked up from where he was emptying the box full of shoes. 

"Yeah, go on." He called back, and after a moment he heard the front door shut. 

It didn't take him much longer to finish sorting out Brad's clothes into separate piles, ready for him to decide where to put them once Megan got back. He was pretty sure she wouldn't be back for at least an hour though, so he figured he might as well make a start on the boxes that were in the living room. Again, the living room and the kitchen were pretty much what he would have expected from Brad's living space. The place was still furnished, but it just lacked all the little personal touches that he hoped would liven up the place once they were done. Still, he wasn't surprised at the modern touch the house had, despite the various shades of beige that Brad seemed to be fond of. It was nice though, he could definitely see Brad in a space like this. 

The first box that he looked at seemed to be just full of books, so he figured it was probably safe enough to start putting them on the bookshelf. He couldn't exactly imagine anywhere else Brad would want them to go. It was pretty obvious actually, he realised as he flicked through a couple of books while he shelved them, that Brad was pretty interested in reading. Aside from the typical books he would have expected from him, he was surprised to find the three books from the Lord of the Rings series, as well as the first Star Wars novelisation - yeah, he'd always known Brad was a fucking nerd. He hummed his approval as he dug out a couple of Michael Crichton novels too, since he was a favourite author of his too. 

Once he'd finished with the books, he moved on to the next box, which looked to be full of CD's. Since he wasn't all that confident in where Brad would want to keep those, he decided he'd simply have a look through them so that he could berate Brad for his music taste later on. Unsurprisingly, Brad owned more than one Air Supply and Barry Manilow album, and he huffed and rolled his eyes as he looked through them, "Oh, Brad, your cheesy music taste will never fail to amuse me." He muttered under his breath as he pulled more CD's out of the box. At the discovery of a Tears for Fears album as well as a couple of Queen's earlier albums, he'd almost decided that he could be forgiven, but once he pulled out a Depeche Mode CD, he knew he had to tease him at least a little. 

Underneath the CD's, he was surprised to find photo frames, and he smiled as he pulled them out to have a look. There were the family photos that he'd been expecting, as well as various ones of Brad with friends that he didn't know, plus one of a dog that he vaguely remembered Brad saying he'd had when he was a teenager. He wasn't surprised to find the platoon photo that Reporter had taken for his book - the one of them standing in front of that statue with the flag. He remembered it well actually, he and Poke had been sitting in front of the flag, with Brad on Poke's other side. The next frame he pulled it though, he was very taken aback to see was one of just himself and Brad. 

Shit.

He didn't even remember this being taken.

Brad was sat in the drivers seat of the Humvee with the door open, and he was standing at Brad's side, leaning against the side of the Humvee. From the angle the photo was taken - from his left hand side - it was obvious that he wasn't aware that the photo was being taken, as he laughed at whatever they'd been talking about and gestured with his hands. Brad was mostly facing the camera, although his attention was directed towards Ray rather than at the camera, and.. fuck, the expression on his face was one that Ray could only describe as tender. 

Obviously he knew that Brad was a huge softie, but if he'd showed this photo to somebody who'd only heard of the Iceman through reputation and told them that that was him, he knew they'd say he was full of shit. Still, he couldn't deny the feeling of warmth he felt in his stomach at the soft look on Brad's face in the photo, especially at the fact that it was directed towards him. It was nice to know that he'd kept that photo. 

He was directed from his thoughts by the sound of his phone ringing in his pocket, and he put the photo frame back in the box before fishing out of his pocket. He was surprised to see that it was his sister Claire, and he raised an eyebrow as he answered the phone, "Hello?"

_"Hey, Josh, it's me. Please tell me that you're at home right now?"_

"No, I'm still in California." He told her. He'd sent a text to his two sisters and his mom when he was in the airport, letting them know that Brad had been found alive and that he was going to be out of town for a couple of days, "Why, what's up?"

 _"Shit."_ She sighed, _"I'm being sent on a work retreat for the next week, and I have nobody to take care of Em."_

"When are you leaving?" He asked, biting his lip gently. As much as he didn't want to leave California and Brad just yet, he knew he'd have to if Claire really was stuck. She was his sister after all. Once she wasn't leaving any earlier than tomorrow, he could probably make it home in time. 

_"Tomorrow evening."_

"Yeah, I'll come home, don't worry about it." He told her. 

_"Thank you, you have no idea how much I owe you for this. It's just that Alex is in Texas for that wedding, and mom can't get the time off work."_

"Claire, it's fine. Really." He said with a small smile. Honestly, he wanted to say no, he wanted to turn his phone off and stay here with Brad as long as possible. This was his family though, he knew he couldn't say no to her when she was stuck just because he wanted to spend more time with Brad. Plus Andy was still back in Missouri waiting for him to come home. He'd have to keep an eye on Brad tonight, make sure that he'd settled back into the house alright - plus he was pretty sure he needed to have an actual conversation with him about how he was feeling - but apart from that, he knew he probably didn't have an excuse to stay that wouldn't make him feel shitty for it afterwards.

_"Great, I'll see you tomorrow afternoon then."_

"Yeah, see you then." He said with a small smile, before hanging up once he'd said goodbye. 

Great. He hadn't exactly intended to leave that soon, but he knew he couldn't keep coming up with excuses forever. Besides, they'd need him back in work eventually, and it wasn't like he could just up and abandon Andy for the rest of his life either. He had to get back to reality sooner or later. Maybe he could come back up on the weekend after Emily had gone back to Claire. Still, he knew he'd have to talk to Brad first, and if he really thought that he wouldn't be okay with being on his own here? He'd call and say that he couldn't make it back. He knew Claire would understand.

He continued to just poke through the rest of the boxes for another twenty minutes or so, before he heard the front door opening, and Brad followed Megan in, "Hey, guys." He said with a smile, waving over at them. 

"Hey. Ray, is it okay if I head off? The bank called, I need to go there and sort out some shit." Megan said. 

"Yeah, go. See you later."

"Alright, call me if you guys need anything." She said, pressing a quick kiss to Brad's cheek before letting herself out. 

Brad trailed into the living room then, smiling as he looked at Ray sat on the ground by the box of CD's and photo frames, "I take it you've been making yourself comfortable?" He asked as he sat on the couch. Ray was relieved to see that he seemed at ease, he wasn't exactly sure what mood to be expecting when Brad got back, but he was glad to see that he looked relaxed enough. 

"I've been making your house liveable, asshole. And by the way-" He started, digging through the box of CD's until he found the one he was looking for, "Depeche Mode, Brad, really? I knew you were into the eighties but I didn't realise you were _that_ into the eighties." 

"I knew I wouldn't get away with that."

"Yeah, and I totally found your Duran Duran t-shirt."

"Have I any secrets left after leaving you unsupervised in my house?"

"Absolutely none, homes." He teased with a grin.

They spent the rest of the afternoon just milling around the house, unpacking the boxes and putting the rest of Brad's shit away. Like he'd said before, he was actually a little surprised by the amount of shit that Brad actually had - and a lot of it was just shit. Apparently the box of wires was from an old stereo set-up that he'd had years ago, but he'd kept the spare parts from it after he'd gotten rid of it, just in case. He knew what Brad was like when it came to shit like that though, so he didn't question it. 

He was glad to see that he seemed quite relaxed actually. He'd been half expecting him to be a little uptight about actually being home, but so far he hadn't actually seen much to indicate that being the case. Still, he guessed that he was probably just happy to be home after the stress of the last few months. 

"How are you feeling, about being back?" He asked, while he was sat on the bed watching Brad shoving his t-shirts into one of the drawers. Back in Iraq, he'd constantly teased him about having a stick up his ass, so he was honestly a little surprised at the haphazard way he shoved his clothes into the drawer - he'd expected a lot more folding. 

Brad just shrugged, biting his lip gently as he paused where he was rolling up a sock that had been tangled up in a t-shirt, "Good, I think. It feels a little weird actually being back here after everything, but I think I'm good."

Well yeah, he more than understood that. He guessed that he'd probably feel a little bit out of place for a while, after everything that had happened - between his rotation with the Brits, the total clusterfuck of the last few months, and then the hospital stay afterwards, it was probably a lot to just be at home again. 

By the time they finished unpacking the boxes, it was pretty late in the evening - and the house thankfully looked a little more lived in. Brad had admitted that he was hungry though, and so since he still had to bring the rental truck back, he figured he'd stop off and get pizza or something on the way back. Cooking seemed like a bit of a pain in the ass right now, and he certainly wasn't about to ask Brad to start making them dinner, so he figured pizza was as good an option as any right now. 

So he left Brad to it while he went out with the truck, and afterwards he walked over to the Pizza Hut across the street. From what he could remember from the last time he and Brad had had pizza together, the older man was a total bitch when it came to mushrooms on his pizza - meaning that he demanded they get mushrooms. He wasn't too fond of them, but whatever, they'd make Brad happy. While he was waiting on the pizza, he dug his phone out so that he could look up the directions to the airport in the morning. Thankfully, it wasn't actually too far, and he was relieved to see that the cab fare wouldn't cost him a small fortune. He still hadn't actually mentioned it to Brad that he was leaving in the morning, but he knew he probably should as soon as he got back. He did want to talk to him first though, to make sure he was doing okay before he did leave. 

By the time he got back with the pizza, Brad had changed, and he had to suppress a smile at the sight of him in his pyjama bottoms and a fleece sweater. Fucking July, and he was still wrapped up like it was the middle of winter, "I'll be out in a minute, I just gotta change." He told him as he ducked into the guest room with his bag. He didn't spend long in there, he just quickly changed into shorts and a t-shirt before trailing back out into the living room. 

He waited until they were mostly done with the pizza, and were curled up on either end of the couch with Star Trek reruns playing on the TV. He was pretty sure neither of them were actually that invested in it though, and so he reached for the remote to mute the volume, before turning towards Brad, "So I uh.. I just wanted to talk to you, see where your head is at." 

Brad just glanced over at him, tossing the half eaten pizza crust he'd been working on back on the plate, before shrugging, "I'm fine."

"Brad, talk to me."

"There's nothing to talk about, I'm fine." Brad insisted, turning back to the TV. 

Goddamn it, he should have known that it wouldn't be that easy. After Brad had admitted to him last night that he wasn't okay, he'd hoped that maybe he'd open up to him a little more than he had been. He should have known though, Brad had always been one to put up walls and to guard his feelings, and just because that shit had never worked on Ray didn't mean that he'd never tried it before. Still, he hated that Brad was trying to Iceman him out here. 

"You told me last night that you weren't okay." He reminded him, biting his lip gently. 

"That was a moment of weakness, and there's no need to continue to cry about it. What's done is done, and I'm fine." Brad said again, before glancing back in his direction, "What's this about?"

Yeah, he guessed he should have known really that Brad would realise something was up. Still, he'd always been able to talk enough for the two of them, so he hoped that maybe he wouldn't notice anything out of the ordinary, "I'm leaving in the morning. My sister has to go off on some work retreat, so she needs me to watch the rugrat." He explained. 

"Oh. Okay." Brad said with a nod.

He wasn't sure what it was, but he could see the slight.. hesitation on Brad's face then, as though he wanted to ask him to stay - even though he knew that he wouldn't. He'd always been like that though, he'd always known Brad to play the fucking martyr and suffer in silence rather than speaking up about what he wanted, "I'll stay." He told him, shuffling down the couch so that he was sat in the middle rather down the other end of it from Brad, "She has friends and stuff, and she'd totally get it if I told her you needed me to stay."

"You don't need to do that." 

He sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck, before reaching out to cup Brad's face between his hands so that he had to look at him, "Brad, ask me to stay." He murmured, biting his lip gently, "Give me a reason to stay, and I'll stay."

He noticed the way Brad's eyes flicked down to his mouth for a moment, and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest at the realisation that Brad might actually kiss him. He knew that he shouldn't be encouraging this, that to kiss Brad now would be wrong for so many reasons, but he just.. he didn't want to be the one to pull away first. Eventually though, Brad sighed as he tangled his fingers through Ray's, turning his head away from him slightly, "I can't ask you to do that. While life in California is vastly superior to the cousin-orgies and NASCAR that degenerates like you thrive on back home, you need to go back sooner or later."

He wasn't sure why he felt so.. hysteric, almost, at the way Brad was being so calm about the whole thing. Half of him knew that this was the right thing to do, that he should leave Brad to get back to his life and just be there for him if he wanted to check in - whereas the other half of him wanted Brad to ask him to stay. He would too, in a heartbeat. He sighed as he got up from the couch, rubbing a hand over his mouth, "Okay, you need to start talking. Because last night you said that you wanted to fucking die, and now yo-"

"Is that what this is about?" Brad asked, and when Ray didn't say anything, he sighed and rolled his eyes, "I'm not going to blow my brains out as soon as you walk out the door, Ray."

"How do I know that?"

Something in Brad seemed to soften at that, and he sighed as his shoulders slumped slightly, "I wouldn't. I left you once already, and I-" He started, before sighing again and shrugging, "Come here?"

He didn't have it in him to say no to that, and so he just dropped back down onto the couch and put his arms around Brad, hooking his chin over his shoulder. He had to admit; even though he knew Brad was a little fragile at the moment,he certainly wasn't complaining about the amount of hugging that had been going on lately. Not that he hadn't constantly swung out of Brad in Iraq, but at least it was mutual now. He felt him put his arms around him in response, and he closed his eyes as he just leaned into it, "I'm sorry, I didn't-"

"Don't. I get it." Brad murmured, and he felt more than heard him sigh again, "Look, I'm not.. totally fine. But I wouldn't do that."

He supposed that Brad probably deserved more credit than he'd given him over the whole thing - the entire situation was shit, and yet Brad was still holding it together better than he ever could have imagined. Still, he didn't think it was totally unwarranted the way he worried about him. He knew he couldn't smother him though, and that Brad had always been better at working through shit on his own rather than having somebody breathing down his neck the whole time. He'd already said that he needed some space anyway. 

He leaned back from the hug slightly, putting his hands on Brad's shoulders instead, "Fine, I'll go, but will you promise to call me if you need anything at all? Even if it's three in the morning and you're feeling shitty, just.. please?" 

"Yes, Ray. I will call you every time I run out of milk, or if I need to piss, or if I get something in my eye. Happy?"

"Smartass." He teased with a slight grin, shoving him lightly with one of the hands still on his shoulder. Somehow, he doubted Brad would listen to him, and that he'd call him unless it was something big, but he felt somewhat better with even just getting his word that he'd call. He was pretty sure that he could at least rest easy in the knowledge that Brad had promised him he wouldn't do anything stupid once he was alone, "C'mon Iceman, I'm leaving in the morning, cheer the fuck up."

  
-x-

  
Since Brad had a spare room that was made up and ready to go, there really wasn't any reason at all for him to share the bed with Brad like he had last night. He wanted to.. fuck, he really wanted to, but he knew that would be pushing their luck. 

After thinking about it, he realised just how shitty it had been for him to pretty much ask Brad to kiss him earlier. Right now they were in their own little bubble, but this time tomorrow he'd be back home with his boyfriend - and he'd been ready to give all that up if Brad had given in and kissed him. If he'd given him a reason to stay, he would have, and that wasn't fair on Andy. So yeah, maybe it was better that he was leaving in the morning, because it gave him an excuse to take a step back from this whole situation before he did something he'd regret. 

So he said goodnight to Brad once the film they'd been watching was over, and he went to the spare room. 

He'd booked a flight for eight tomorrow morning, which meant that he'd be landing in Missouri at about one thirty local time. He'd have booked a later flight, but since he wasn't sure what time Claire was bringing Emily over at, he wanted a little time to get his shit together before having to turn on the responsible uncle mode. He wanted to see Andy, was what he meant. His head was a little bit all over the place after the last few days, but he had missed Andy. Things were easy and uncomplicated with him, and he wanted things to just stop being so fucking complicated for a little while. Obviously he was happy beyond words at the fact that Brad was alive and that he was mostly okay, but when he was here with him.. he couldn't help but face how much he loved him.

He'd set the alarm on his phone for six-thirty in the morning since the flight was at eight, but after tossing and turning for what felt like forever, a quick glance at the clock told him that it was nearing two a.m. After sighing as he turned over again, he glanced back over his shoulder at the soft knock at the door, "Yeah?"

Brad stuck his head in the door, biting his lip gently, "Hey. I uh.. I couldn't sleep, sounded like you couldn't either." 

Even though he knew he shouldn't, he flipped the sheets back on the other side of the bed, "Room for two." He shrugged. 

Brad hesitated for a moment before stepping into the room, quietly shutting the door behind him. He'd swapped out the sweater for a t-shirt since Ray had called it a night, which he was glad to see because the house was warm enough as it was without Brad boiling himself to death in a sweater. Still, he had a feeling that it was more about covering up than actually keeping warm. He slid into the bed behind Ray, although he kept to his own side of the bed, offering a small smile when Ray glanced back over his shoulder at him again. 

"Goodnight, Brad." He whispered as he settled back down, his back safely to Brad. He knew that he'd said it was probably better they didn't share a bed again tonight, but he did feel a little bit better about having him there - and it seemed Brad wanted to be there too. 

"Goodnight, Ray." Brad whispered in return after a moment. 

If he felt Brad's fingers brushing gently against the radio tower tattoo on his shoulder while he drifted off to sleep, he could tell himself that he'd only imagined it. 

  
-x-

  
Leaving the next morning was.. harder than he'd thought it'd be, if he was being honest. 

By the time his alarm went off the next morning, Brad was already up and out of bed - which he found a little strange, considering it had been after two in the morning last night that they had finally gotten to sleep. Still, he knew that he'd probably gotten used to running on fumes over the last couple of months, so he supposed that it probably wasn't all that strange that he was managing on less than four hours sleep. 

He yawned as he dragged himself out of the bed and changed into a fresh t-shirt and a pair of jeans - one saving grace he supposed, was that he hadn't actually unpacked his shit after getting here yesterday, so he didn't have to worry about trying to get all of his shit together. When he trailed out to the kitchen, rubbing sleep out of his eye with a knuckle, it was to find Brad sat at the kitchen table with his laptop in front of him, "Hey." He murmured as he leant against the counter, "What're you doing?"

Brad looked up from his laptop for a moment to give him a quick smile, "Hey. Just catching up on what's been going on in the world." He shrugged, turning back to the screen, "There's coffee, if you want it."

"Thanks."

He busied himself for a moment with pouring himself a cup of coffee, before leaning back against the counter the way he had been before. When he turned his attention back to Brad, he had closed his laptop and had turned back towards him, "D'you want me to go to the airport with you?" He asked, and Ray shook his head, 

"Nah, it's fine. It's only like a ten minute cab journey, and I probably won't hang around outside security for long anyway." He shrugged. Well yeah, he didn't really see the point of dragging Brad to the airport when he'd only be turning around and coming back home anyway. 

They drank their coffee in relative silence, Brad making the odd comment here and there about things he read on the news website he was looking at. He left him to it for a couple of minutes to call a cab from the number that Brad had given him last night, and the guy on the other end of the line told him that there'd be a driver with him in a couple of minutes, "Alright, the cab'll be here soon." He told him, quickly going through his bag again to make sure that he had his passport and boarding pass.

"Okay, text me when you land."

"I will, yeah." He said with a nod, before biting his lip gently. He hadn't wanted to bring it up last night when Brad had been insisting that he was fine, but he seemed a little more agreeable this morning, "Look, I left some shit on the nightstand in the spare room. It's just a few pamphlets for like.. counsellors, and stuff. I'm not saying you need to go, but just.. if you need to talk to someone, and you can't say it to me or your family, just keep it in mind, okay?"

"I will have a look at them."

"Great." He said with a nod, glancing out the window when he heard a car pulling up outside and seeing it was the cab, "Alright, I gotta go."

He grabbed his bag and his jacket then, double checking his bag again for all the shit he'd need for his flight. Brad followed him out to the hallway, and he turned back to him just before opening the front door so that he could wrap his arms around Brad's middle, his cheek pressed against his chest, "Take care of yourself, okay? I don't want your sister hunting me down for leaving if you don't eat enough."

"It would be rather amusing to see that."

"Fuck you, dude. Your sister could take you in a fight, I'm totally scared of her." He teased, unable to stop the grin pulling at the corners of his mouth. Well yeah, he'd feel like he totally deserved it though if Megan beat him up for leaving if Brad didn't look after himself in the next couple of weeks.

Brad just laughed, and he smiled as he leaned back a little to look up at him, "Alright, as heartwarming as this big gay moment is; I really gotta go before the cab fucks off."

"Okay, have fun going back to redneck America."

He made himself let go of Brad then, hitching his bag a little further up onto his shoulder, "Bye."

"Bye, Ray." Brad said with a small smile, folding his arms. 

He sighed as he turned and left then, trying his best not to look back until he was safely in the cab. He wouldn't have trusted himself to keep going otherwise. It would have been too easy to turn back, to lock himself back in the house with Brad and decide he wasn't going back. He knew he really couldn't do that though, for a multitude of reasons, so he kept going until he'd climbed into the back of the cab, and only then did he let himself look back at where Brad was still on the step. He waved at him, smiling when Brad waved back, "Uh, to the airport, thanks." He told the driver, biting his lip gently. 

When he glanced back, Brad had already gone back inside. 

When he got to the airport, he found that his flight was delayed by twenty minutes, and so once he'd gotten through security and had grabbed himself a coffee and a breakfast burrito from the fast food restaurant near the gate, he settled in one of the chairs at his gate of the departure lounge. The flight wasn't for another forty-five minutes, so he figured he'd call Andy and let him know that he was coming home. Aside from the odd text here and there, he hadn't actually gotten a chance to speak to him since the first morning he'd woken up in California. 

The phone rang out for a couple of seconds, and he had to remind himself that it was just after ten in the morning back in Missouri, and so he had to remind himself that Andy might either be at work, or that he might not even be awake yet - he couldn't remember, he was barely keeping track of the days as it was, so he couldn't remember if Andy was supposed to be in work today or not. He was just about to give up and end the call when Andy picked up, and he smiled as he slouched in the chair a little, "Hey, stranger."

_"Ray, hey, I was in the shower. What's going on, is everything okay?"_

"Yeah, I'm coming home, is all. I'm actually at the airport right now, my flight is in like.. forty minutes." He murmured, quickly checking his watch.

_"Oh, I didn't think you'd be coming home so soon."_

"Yeah. Claire called, she's going out of town for a few days so she needs me to take care of Emily." 

_"Oh, right. D'you want me to collect you from the airport?"_

"You sure you don't mind? I can get a cab?"

 _"Course not, what time?"_ Andy asked, and he was relieved that he could hear the smile in his voice. Yeah, fuck, he'd really lucked out with finding somebody like Andy, and he couldn't help but feel the slightest twinge of guilt over the last couple of days. Not that anything had happened besides Brad kissing him that night in the hotel - and then he'd backed off as soon as he'd told him about Andy - but he just.. the feelings were still there. 

"One-thirtyish."

_"Alright, I'll be there. D'you wanna talk or would you rather wait until you get home?"_

"Wait 'til I get home, for sure. This call is eating my minutes as it is."

_"Okay, go on. I'll see you at one-thirty."_

"Cool. Love and kisses and blowjobs." He teased with a slight grin, waiting until he heard the huff of amusement from Andy before ending the call. 

  
-x-

  
Surprisingly, he actually managed to sleep on the flight, and so by the time he had woken up, the plane was on it's descent into Kansas City International Airport. He hadn't actually realised that he was tired as he was, but he'd been up early on a shitty amount of sleep, so it was probably best that he had managed to cram a couple of hours sleep in before Claire dropped Emily over later. 

As he'd promised, Andy was waiting for him in the arrivals lounge when he got there, and he smiled as he let himself be pulled into a hug, "God, I missed you." He told him, smiling when he felt him kiss the top of his head. 

"I missed you too, c'mon." Andy said with a smile of his own, taking Ray's bag from his shoulder and hitching it up onto his own.

He walked with him out to the parking lot where Andy had parked the car, dropping into the passenger side seat. It had taken him a little getting used to, because his instinct had always been to get into the drivers seat. It was just something he'd never shaken after his time in the Corps, and so he still had to remind himself from time to time to go around to the other side of the car.

"Should I wait until you start talking, or should I just get straight to the interrogation?" Andy asked once they were driving down the highway, glancing over in his direction, "What happened?"

He sighed, shrugging a shoulder, "They fucking found him and shipped him home. He was at the hospital with his parents when I got there, but they discharged him the next day so we just got him home and kept an eye on him." He explained with another shrug. Well yeah, he didn't think he needed to go into detail about how Brad had kissed him, or how they had slept in the same bed both nights after Brad had been discharged from the hospital. It wasn't a conversation that needed to be had, so bringing it up was only asking for unnecessary drama.

"And how is he?"

"Mm.. SNAFU." 

Andy was quiet for a moment, and when he glanced back at him, he was simply watching him with a fond expression on his face, "Ray, you know I don't get your military slang."

He huffed out a laugh, rubbing his eyes, "I know, sorry." He said, "Fuck, I don't know how he is. He claims that he's fine, but he was awake crying the first night he got out of hospital. And he's got all these scars y'know, like.. really fucking nasty ones on his throat and his wrist - the doctor said he'd had his shoulder, his wrist, and his nose broken. But like, he's all bruised up too, so it wasn't like it was just one accident." 

"Did he tell you exactly what happened over there?"

"Nope. Brad's not really one for talking about his feelings, and two of the Colonels from our unit came by to question him about it, so I didn't want to keep bringing it up. I'm sure he'll tell me about it eventually." He murmured with another shrug. Well yeah, obviously he'd wondered, but he didn't want Brad to have to keep reliving what had happened over there, "He at least promised me that he's not gonna fucking kill himself, so that's a bonus, at least." 

Andy reached over to squeeze his knee then, and he couldn't help but smile over at him, leaning his head back against the headrest. 

"D'you want to get doughnuts on the way home?"

"Fuck, yes." 

  
-x-

  
One day carried on into the next, and then the next, and before he knew it; it had been a week since he'd left California.

For the most part, he'd left Brad to his own devices, with just the odd text here and there to check in on him. Obviously he was on his mind a lot, but he didn't want Brad to feel in any way smothered by him and ending up pissed off with him. He just tried to pass along the message that he was here if Brad needed him for anything at all. Besides, he was kept pretty busy with taking care of Emily. Since he'd need to be around with her during the day, he hadn't called work yet to tell them that he was home, but he had his work cut out for him anyway even though he wasn't in work. He had no idea how Claire did it, because taking care of a toddler was far more work than he'd expected. He loved the rugrat, but he hadn't expected her to be so demanding. He'd always wanted kids, but he was happy to put it off for a few more years - he was fucking exhausted after spending a few days taking care of her. 

On the morning of the twenty-fifth though, obviously he called Brad because it was his thirtieth birthday. Obviously it should have been a bigger occasion, but this time two weeks ago they hadn't even thought Brad was alive to see his thirtieth birthday. So they had to just make do with the circumstances, "Well hello, Big Gay Birthday Boy." He said with a grin into the phone when Brad had finally picked up. 

Brad laughed softly, and he could almost hear the way he rolled his eyes, _"I should have known I wouldn't be left in peace for long."_ He teased, _"How are things? I'm surprised you could pull yourself away from whatever poor livestock I'm sure you have holed up in your house long enough to call."_

"Only for you, baby." He said with a grin. He was glad to hear that he sounded.. pretty okay actually. He was worried, obviously, but he didn't want to be too obvious about the fact. Besides, Brad had promised him that he'd call if he wasn't doing great - and even if he was full of shit, he had no doubt that Megan or Vera would call him if that was the case, "Did you get your present?" He asked after a moment. 

Obviously it had been on his mind that Brad had been found alive a week before his birthday, and that he hadn't been prepared for it in the slightest. So he'd been racking his brains for something that he could get him on short notice, and when he'd noticed more than once that Brad had absentmindedly checked his wrist for a watch that wasn't there - and had obviously been inwardly frustrated at that - he figured that he'd lost his watch somewhere along the way. Since it was his thirtieth, he figured there was no harm in spending a bit of money, and so he'd gone to Macy's and picked out a nice one. Obviously he knew that Brad was into his crazy computer watches, but he really had no idea what constituted for a decent watch in terms of that, so he'd played it safe and had stuck with a classy expensive looking watch with a leather band. Once he'd bought it, he'd mailed it to Brad with a quick note of _'hbd dicksuck - from your ray-ray'_ scrawled across the card that came with it. 

_"I did, yeah. Fuck, Ray, you didn't have to do that."_

"Course I did, don't be an idiot." He shrugged. Well yeah, obviously he wasn't going to just ignore Brad's birthday. He'd have liked to be there for it, but he really couldn't have dumped Emily with Andy while he went back to California. As well as that, he and Andy had started talking about maybe moving in together, so they'd spent a lot of time looking at places. Another reason he really couldn't afford to lose his job because he was taking a shit ton of days off, the painting job didn't pay nearly enough on it's own - so he'd need to go back to work almost as soon as Emily left, "You got plans for today?"

_"Yeah, mom and dad and Megan are coming over for lunch in a while. Poke is in town too, so I think he's going to drop by later."_

He was honestly relieved to hear that, because he wouldn't have put it past Brad to shut himself away until he turned into some sort of recluse. He'd never been much of a social creature, and Ray had always noticed the way he tended to take a step back and leave the conversation to the other person whenever they were in a social setting with other people - whether it be himself, or Poke, or somebody else. It wasn't too bad when he was with the other Marines, but when he wasn't being Sergeant Colbert, when he wasn't being a team leader, Brad was actually pretty fucking shy. Not that he'd ever admit that, he could almost see the way Brad would tut and roll his eyes if he ever brought it up, but the truth was that he obviously didn't know how to totally let down his walls and just be himself around other civilians. So yeah, what he was saying was that he was pretty relieved at the fact that Brad was making an effort to be social. He chose not to mention the fact that Brad was staying in the house and letting the others come to him, but he supposed it was a good sign that he was seeing them at all. 

"Good, it'll do you some good to listen to Poke's bullshit for a couple of hours. Make you realise that no matter how shitty things get, that at least you aren't Mexican." He teased with a grin. He was glad that Poke was around to see Brad for a bit though. 

"How are things, actually?" He asked after a moment. 

_"Good. I've been painting the living room."_

"Oh yeah?"

_"It's.. taking me longer than I anticipated, but it's keeping me busy."_

Well yeah, he was glad of that at least. He knew Brad got restless after sitting around for too long, but he'd also guessed from the last couple of texts that he hadn't been out and about much, so he supposed painting the house was something to keep him occupied at least. He didn't like the idea of him sitting around with his thoughts for too long.

"Okay, good. Just don't fall off the ladder and brain yourself, or anything."

He heard Brad huff softly over the phone, and he couldn't help but smile. Yeah, shit, he was just glad that he seemed to be doing okay. Like he'd said, he was a little antsy over the fact that he couldn't be there with Brad to keep an eye on him, but just because he'd gone back to Missouri didn't mean that Brad was totally alone. He had other people, his family, Poke, for starters. Maybe he wasn't out and about being a social butterfly, but at least he was being productive and painting his house rather than lying around in bed all day being miserable.

He vaguely heard a doorbell ringing on the other end of the line, and then Brad spoke up again, _"Alright, Megan's here. I gotta go."_

"Yeah. Happy birthday bitch." He said with a small smile, before hanging up again. 

  
-x-

  
After that, one week turned into two weeks, which then turned into three weeks. 

If he was being honest, things had been a little crazy actually, and so he hadn't had much of a chance to check in with Brad since his birthday. He'd texted here and there, and he'd managed a short phone call about a week and a half ago, but mostly he was up to his fucking eyeballs. After Emily had gone back to Claire, he'd finally called work to let them know that he was back in town. Turned out that on top of the usual routine work, they'd be catering three weddings over the next two weekends, and so they'd asked him to come back as soon as possible. It had been a little crazy, especially since two of the other chefs had been on holiday, and so they'd been extra short. He liked the job, but it wore him out sometimes. 

He and Andy had decided to put the plan of moving in together on the back burner for a little while, just until things settled down enough for them to actually start looking at places. Andy had gotten a promotion at work, so he was a little bit weighed down at the moment too.

A couple of days after things had settled down and he'd gotten a day off in the middle of the week for working last Sunday - and so he had had the afternoon to himself - he was napping on the couch with Andy on his laptop in one of the armchairs. He'd stayed late at work last night, and had had a crappy sleep once he'd gotten home afterwards, and so Andy had just left him to it once he'd decided he was using this afternoon to sleep. He was startled out of sleep though by the sound of his phone ringing, and he wrestled it out of his pocket without bothering to check the called ID first, "Hello?" He mumbled, rubbing the sleep out of his eye. 

_"Hey, it's Megan."_

That caught his attention, and he frowned as he pushed himself into a sitting position, rather than how he'd been sprawled out on the couch a minute ago, "Hey, what's up? Is everything okay?" He asked. He glanced over at Andy to find him watching him with an eyebrow raised in question, and so he just shrugged in response. 

_"Have you talked to Brad lately?"_

"Like.. about a week and a half ago. Why, what's up?" 

Megan was quiet for a moment, and he had a bad feeling about whatever the hell was coming next, "Meg-"

_"He crashed his bike."_

He honestly didn't know what he was supposed to say to that. What the fuck had Brad been doing out on his bike anyway? He should have known that that was a stupid fucking idea. The last time he'd seen him, he'd been hobbling around like it hurt to walk too quickly, and he certainly hadn't been cleared to drive yet, so on what fucking planet did he think it would be a good idea to take the bike out for a spin? He tried to ignore the insidious little voice in his head that suggested that maybe it hadn't been an accident, that Brad had deliberately crashed his bike and had tried to play it off as an accident. 

He sighed as he stood up, running a hand through his hair, "Is he okay? What the fuck happened?"

_"I don't know. I didn't even know he'd gone out on his bike until the hospital called and said he needed to be collected. He spent the fucking night there and didn't think to call."_

"Was he hurt badly?"

 _"He sprained his ankle, and he's got some nasty road-rash, but it's not.. it's not that I'm worried about."_ She said softly.

He swallowed against the emotions that he could feel bubbling up in him, and so he just sat on the couch again in an attempt to sort of ground himself, "Talk to me, what's going on?"

_"He was doing so well, and now it's like.. he's just gone back to square one. Something obviously happened, but he won't say what. He won't talk to us, he's ignoring our calls. I stayed with him for a couple of days after the accident, but he wouldn't even talk to me then. He'd barely get out of bed."_

Damn. This was exactly what he'd been hoping to avoid. He should have known that Brad wasn't doing as well as they had hoped he'd been doing. He guessed that he'd sort of wrongly assumed that Brad would be fine, that if something was up that he'd talk to his family or go to the counsellor that he'd left him the pamphlets for. It was pretty hard not to mentally berate himself though for the step back that he'd taken - in his attempt to not smother Brad and leave him to his own devices, it seemed that he'd been ignoring what was going on, "I'll call him, okay? He might talk to me." 

_"Okay, thanks."_ She said, before hanging up. 

He sighed as he ran his fingers through his hair after he'd dropped the phone, taking a shaky deep breath. Fuck, he should have stayed longer, he shouldn't have left California when he did. The couch dipped next to him after a moment, and then Andy had his hand on his shoulder, "What happened?"

"Brad got into an accident on the bike, and now he's apparently dropped off the radar." He murmured, before sighing as he rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face, "I should've fucking known he wasn't alright, he promised me he wouldn't pull this shit."

Andy just sighed and rubbed his back, "Maybe it actually was an accident."

"And what if it wasn't?" He asked, looking back at him. He didn't like to consider the possibility - that maybe Brad had intentionally crashed his bike and was now claiming that it was an accident because he'd survived - but he knew it was something that they had to think about. 

"Look, you're not his.. carer, or whatever." Andy said softly, running his fingers gently through his hair. 

"I know, but I'm worried about him." He murmured as he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes. He was glad that Andy understood actually, that he wasn't bitching about the fact that Ray was so concerned about this. He probably would have been justified in his feelings if he had, considering Ray had barely shut up about Brad in the last couple of weeks. He needed him to have his back on this though, so he was glad that he was as supportive as he was. 

"Just.. call him." Andy said softly, and Ray sighed as he leaned into the kiss that he pressed to his forehead. Really, Andy was far too good to him, he hadn't complained once since all of this shit had started. 

"Yeah, I'll uh.. I'll call." He murmured, nudging Andy's shoulder with his own for a moment before watching him as he stood and left him to it. He took another deep breath before digging the phone out from where it had since fallen down between the couch cushions and dialling Brad's number, "Fucking, pick up." He muttered under his breath, biting his lip gently. 

He swallowed as the phone continued to ring out, before Brad eventually answered, _"Hello?"_ He muttered, and while he was relieved that he'd at least answered, he didn't like how sullen he sounded. 

"Brad, hey. It's me." 

Brad was quiet for a moment, before Ray heard him sigh, _"I assume you've spoken to my sister and are now calling to either give me a lecture or to offer your pity, in which case I'll tell you to save your breath and don't bother."_

He was taken aback honestly, because he knew that Brad could be an asshole, but it was rare that he was actually an asshole to him. It wasn't like they didn't constantly pick on each other, but it had been a long time since he'd heard that sort of venom from Brad directed at him. 

"I uh.. no. I mean, I did talk to Megan, but that's not.. d'you want to come out to Missouri for a while?" He asked. Okay, so that hadn't exactly been his intention when he'd decided to call Brad, but why the fuck not? He knew that Brad was on medical leave at the moment, and that he probably wouldn't be expected back to work any time soon - considering what had happened, so he just.. he'd feel better having him there. Obviously Brad could stay with him for as long as he wanted to, so it was really just about booking the flight. Besides, it gave him a little peace of mind to know that if Brad was in Missouri with him, that he wouldn't have the bike there. He'd leave it alone for now, but he was still planning to give him a verbal thrashing for being so fucking stupid when he saw him next.

Brad didn't say anything for a moment, and he wondered if maybe he'd misstepped. He could take another snippy comment from him, but he just hoped that he didn't decide to hang up on him.

_"Why the fuck would I want to subject myself to any time at all in the shithole known as Nevada, Missouri, only to walk amongst hicks such as yourself?"_

"I live in Kansas City now." 

_"..Fine. When should I come?"_

"Tomorrow?" He suggested, trying not to let the relief show in his voice. He just.. he was glad that Brad wasn't fighting him on this, "Get a flight out tomorrow evening. I finish work at two, so I'll be around at like.. two thirty." He shrugged, trying his best to sound nonchalant, although he knew the edge of desperation in his voice was probably as obvious to Brad as it was to himself, "I can collect you from the airport?"

 _"Okay. I'll.. yeah, I'll let you know what time the flight gets in."_ He said, before abruptly hanging up.

He rolled his eyes as he realised that Brad had hung up on him, before tossing his phone back on the couch. Okay, well at least he'd agreed to actually come out to Missouri, that he hadn't hung up the phone without giving Ray an answer. 

He felt a little bit better at least knowing that Brad was coming, "Asshole." He muttered, rubbing his face again. 

  
-x-

  
He knew that it was just because he was waiting, but the following day seemed to last forever.

Brad had texted him about half an hour after their phonecall, letting him know that his flight was landing just after six in the evening. That was fine, it gave him time to get home from work and shower and stuff before he had to go pick him up. He felt a little bit bad for the fact that he'd just asked Brad to come stay without mentioning it to Andy first, but it wasn't like he'd exactly planned it. Besides, he supposed Brad had already asked him if he could eventually meet Andy, so he guessed this was as good an opportunity as ever. Andy had been fine with it when he'd mentioned it to him though - of course he had, because Andy was a fucking angel that Ray didn't deserve.

Work that day was.. well, work. It was usually pretty okay - especially lately since they'd been so busy - but now he felt as though he was just counting down the hours. He was thinking of looking for a new job actually, one that was a little bit less stressful and with hopefully better pay. Not right now though, he'd wait until he and Andy found a place and had settled into a proper routine before actually thinking of jumping ship on the kitchen. Maybe he'd go back to school, who knew. He'd gotten the job when he first got back from Iraq because he was friends with the owner and he knew that he'd been stuck. He'd had enough natural talent in the kitchen to get by, but he was thinking of taking some time out to actually go to culinary school. Like he'd said though, he wanted to wait until things had actually settled down a little before even considering shit like that.

Eventually two o'clock came, and he'd never been so relieved at being able to clock out. He hadn't heard from Brad since last night, so he assumed that everything was still going ahead - although he wouldn't have put it past Brad to totally change the plan and not tell him about it, especially right now since the other man seemed to be in an asshole mood. 

It seemed he wasn't too far off though, when his phone rang shortly after five o'clock. He sighed when he saw Brad's name on the caller ID, rolling his eyes. Goddamn, he was supposed to be on the plane right now. If he was calling to cancel on him, he'd fucking fly to California himself just to kick his ass. 

"Why the fuck are you calling me when you're supposed to be on the plane?" He asked as he answered the phone. 

_"Calm down, what's your address?"_ Brad asked. 

"My.. are you here already?" He asked, checking his watch. Brad's flight wasn't supposed to have landed for another hour - or so he thought anyway, he was ninety-nine percent sure that he'd said six o'clock. 

_"Yeah. The plane got in early, I guess."_

"Plane got in fucking early." He muttered. Yeah, he knew that happened sometimes, but how often did the plane get in a fucking hour early? Brad was full of shit, "Stay there, I'll come get you now." 

_"It's fine, I'm already in a cab. I just need your address."_

He sighed, rolling his eyes, before rattling off his address to him. He didn't know why Brad felt the need to be difficult about things like this sometimes, it would have been easier if he'd just told him the right time and waited for him to come get him. Still, maybe Brad knew he was in trouble, and he wanted to prolong his time before Ray got a chance to chew him out for being out on the bike. Whatever, it wasn't like he would have started something in the car on the way home, "The apartment is down an alleyway, so I'll wait for you out on the street." 

_"Okay. I will see you in twenty mikes."_ Brad told him, before hanging up.

"Solid copy." He muttered, rolling his eyes as he shoved his phone back into his pocket. 

Since Brad had said twenty minutes, he waited fifteen until he dragged himself off the couch and out the door. That was one thing that he had to say he liked about the apartment - it was a bit of a shithole really, but at least the door wasn't right out onto the street so there was some sort of privacy. 

He situated himself on the edge of the sidewalk, lighting a cigarette as he waited. Hopefully he wouldn't be sitting here for too long, but he knew that the traffic from the airport could be a little shitty at this hour. Again, this all would have been avoided if Brad had just fucking let him collect him from the airport.

After another couple of minutes, a cab finally pulled up, and he waved at Brad as he stepped out of the car, "Hey." He called, crushing the cigarette butt under his heel as he walked to meet him so that he could take his bag.

"You look like a bum." Brad told him, a hint of a smile tugging at his lips. 

"Yeah, well. You don't look much better, asshole." He shot back. Well yeah, yet again, Brad looked a little bit worse for wear. The bruising on his face that had been there last time had thankfully cleared up a little, there weren't really any visible signs left of the black eye or broken nose. He was limping on his ankle though, and from under the end of his jacket sleeve, he could see that his arm was wrapped in bandages - from the road-rash, he assumed. Fucking idiot. Still, at least he didn't argue as Ray took his bag, and he was quiet as he followed him back up to the apartment. 

"So, this is it." He shrugged as he let them into the apartment. It wasn't much really, a tiny little two bedroom with a conjoined kitchenette and living room. Whatever, he'd grown up in a fucking trailer, so he wasn't exactly picky about his living situation once there was a roof and four walls, "Spare room is this way, c'mon." He told him, leading him down to where the guest room was. Well yeah, he was under no impression that there was going to be any bed sharing this time around - mostly because Andy stayed over half the time. That was a conversation he didn't want to have. 

"There should be hot water if you want a shower, and I might just order takeout for dinner. You good with that?" 

"Yeah." Brad said with a nod, toying with the strap of his bag that he'd dropped on the bed. He was wearing that odd expression on his face, the one that made Ray feel as though he was being examined under laser vision. Whatever, he wasn't in the mood for being scrutinised by the Iceman.

"What?" He eventually asked, raising an eyebrow. Well yeah, Brad had always been an asshole for just staring rather than actually saying what was on his mind.

"Nothing." He eventually muttered, shrugging out of his jacket, "Just.. thanks for this." 

"Sure." He murmured, giving him a small smile when he caught his eye again. Well yeah, even though he was totally planning on having a talk with Brad later about the stupid fucking decisions he'd made, he was mostly just glad to have him here and in one piece. Fuck, eventually he'd get to see Brad again for the first time after a while and not have to catalogue any new injuries he had. 

He nodded after a moment, tapping on the doorframe, "Right.. well, I'm gonna go call the Chinese. You're still into that chicken and cashew thing, right?" He asked. He'd noticed actually that Brad had seemed to have filled out a little since he'd last seen him - which he was relieved to see. He was still thin, obviously, but he wasn't quite as painfully underweight as he had been when they were in California.

"Yeah, thanks." Brad said with a nod of his own

He left him to it then, calling the Chinese place and ordering Brad's chicken and cashew dish along with his own chow mein that he usually ordered - as well as some duck spring rolls for them to share. Once he'd gotten off the phone, he went and got Brad some towels so that he could shower if he wanted, before going back out to the living room and dropping down onto the couch. He wondered if there was a movie on tonight, and so he leaned over to grab the remote before slouching back where he'd been.

He could hear the shower running while he flicked through the channels on the TV, and he just.. he couldn't help but wonder what had happened since he'd left California that had turned Brad's mood so sour. He'd seemed, well.. not fine, before, but like he coping. Now he just seemed like he'd taken a step backwards, like maybe the reality of what had happened was starting to get on top of him. Maybe that was it, it wasn't totally unrealistic. He'd maybe just have to talk to him about it. 

The food wasn't much longer, and so by the time Brad limped into the kitchenette after he'd finished in the shower and dressed, he was busy spooning food onto their plates. He was wearing just a t-shirt and sweatpants now, and he'd obviously changed the dressings on his arm while he was in the bathroom, "I could've helped with that." He shrugged, nodding towards the bandages on his arm. Well yeah, he doubted it was easy to do it himself. He could see now that the bandages extended from his elbow down, and the sliver of skin that showed between the end of his t-shirt and the waist of his sweatpants was covered in a bandage too.

"It's fine." 

"If you say so." He shrugged, handing him his plate once he'd finished dishing out their food.

They made it through their dinner in relative silence, the odd comment here and there about the movie that was on being the only break in that silence. He could feel the tension in the air though, in the couple of feet between them as they sat on either end of the couch. He hated it, things had never been like this between them, and he didn't even fucking know why it was now. The only times that he could think of that even vaguely resembled this tension, was back in the Humvee in Iraq. He and Brad always teased each other, but there were times that one of them took it too far - usually Brad, because he knew exactly where to poke to make it actually hurt - and then the atmosphere in the Humvee would be shit for the next thirty minutes. Still, back then, he'd always punished Brad for that until he'd apologised. He'd drive jerky and uncoordinated, over every pothole that they came across, until Brad was taking back whatever it was that he'd said. This was different, because he didn't even know why there was that tension in the air, or how they were supposed to clear it. 

"Whatever it is you want to say, just say it." Brad eventually muttered after a couple of minutes, snapping him out of his thoughts. 

"What?"

"You're not exactly subtle about the way you're silently stewing over there. Or about how you'll barely look at me." 

"Well excuse me for not matching your cheery fucking enthusiasm. Oh wait." He muttered, glancing over Brad just in time to see him roll his eyes, "Actually, y'know what, fuck this." He snapped, before standing up and running his fingers through his hair, "What the fuck were you thinking? You're barely out of the hospital, I can give you a fucking list of the injuries you've got going on.. why would you think taking the bike out was a good idea?"

"I'm not a child, Ray. Nobody had a problem with me taking the bike out before, why does it matter so much now?"

"I'm sorry, did you forget what happened? Take a look in the mirror, Brad. I think we're justified in being worried about you when you're covered head to toe in fucking scars." He snapped, before shaking his head. He just, he didn't want to have this argument, but he couldn't understand why Brad was being so fucking stubborn. He didn't see why he couldn't accept that going out on the bike had been a stupid idea, "You promised me you wouldn't pull this shit. You told me to my face, that you wouldn't do this kind of thing." 

Brad just looked at him, his eyebrows knitted together as the cogs turned in his head, "Are y- for fuck sake, Ray. This wasn't some cry for attention, or whatever, and I wasn't trying to fucking kill myself. I took the bike out for a spin, I took a turn too fast and I lost control, that's it." 

"Oh, that's it? How the fuck am I supposed to know that? How am I supposed to believe that? I don't know what's going on in your head, Brad, because you wont fucking tell me. All I know is what Megan told me - that you crashed your bike and then you shut everyone out afterwards. What else was I supposed to think?" 

"You're supposed to trust me! I told you I wouldn't do that, and I thought you'd trust me. I'm so fucking sick of everybody treating me like I'm made of fucking glass. What happened happened, and I'm trying to go back to normal, but it's like everyone is expecting me to fuck up." Brad snapped, running his hands angrily through his hair. It had been a long time since he'd seen him getting this riled up actually, he hadn't been called the Iceman for nothing, "So why the fuck can't you all accept that I'm fine and just leave me alone?"

"Because you died." He snarled, and he could feel the way his heart pounded in his chest, hear the blood rushing in his ears, "You died, and I got left behind. And you have no idea how it feels to get that phonecall, to be told that the person you're in love with is dead."

Brad just looked at him, any fight that he had left seeming to drain out of him at Ray's admission, "You're in love with me?"

"Come on, Brad. You can't be that clueless."

He was used to Brad's smart come backs, to his clever way of shooting back responses in a way that took a moment or two for the recipient to realise just how thoroughly they'd been insulted - and so he was a little surprised at the way his words seemed to have rendered him speechless. It wasn't often that he saw Brad struggling to find the right words, "But.. I thought-"

"You thought what? We were both there for all of those conversations, Brad, so I don't know how you got the impression that I didn't."

"I know, but.. I knew you wanted me, but I thought that that was where it ended. I didn't think you actually loved me."

He knew that they shouldn't be having this conversation, that he should put a stop to this before one of them said something that they couldn't take back. He was still so fucking mad at Brad too, but he just.. he couldn't believe that Brad didn't get it. Obviously they'd had that conversation about how they could have been something, but he supposed he hadn't really been that obvious about the fact that he was talking about love - for all Brad knew, he could have meant that he'd just wanted a quick roll in the hay, or that his feelings had only gone as far as a simple crush. For somebody so smart, Brad could be fucking stupid sometimes though, so he supposed he shouldn't have been that surprised really. So he just shrugged, putting his hands in his pockets, "Of course I do."

"You did or you do?" Brad asked, biting his lip gently. 

He glanced back in his direction then, swallowing as he met his eyes, "I do." He said softly. Well yeah, of course he fucking did. He had Andy now, and he'd had to go through the heartbreak of thinking Brad was dead and going to his funeral, but he was pretty sure none of that would ever change the fact that he was in love with Brad. 

"Me too, Ray." Brad whispered, and he could barely bring himself to keep looking at the heartbroken expression on Brad's face. Fuck, this wasn't supposed to happen. He knew that they'd hinted at it before, but he'd thought that if he and Brad were ever to actually admit the fact that what they felt for each other was love, that things would have been simpler. In an ideal world, he would have been able to cross the room now and crouch in front of Brad to pull him in to a kiss. 

In an almost cruel reminder though that that wasn't the case, he heard the front door shut after a moment, and Andy trailed into the living room. He was smiling, but it dropped a little when he noticed the tense atmosphere in the room, "Hey, is uh.. is everything okay?"

Ray sighed, plastering on a smile as he turned back to Andy, "Yeah, everything is fine." He said with a nod. Not even close, really, but obviously he wasn't going to tell Andy about the conversation he and Brad had just had, "This is Brad. Brad, Andy." He murmured, rubbing his forehead as he dropped back down to the couch.

"Hey, man, heard a lot about you." Andy said with a smile. 

"You too, it's uh.. it's good to meet you." Brad replied, standing so that he could shake Andy's hand. He glanced back down in Ray's direction for a moment, before directing his attention back to Andy with a small smile, "Not to be bad company, but I should probably call my mother to tell her I got here in one piece, before she calls the police. And I have an essay from Nate in the form of an email that I've been putting off responding to." He shrugged, directing that last sentence towards Ray. He got it really, it was a way to take himself out of this conversation, and he honestly didn't blame him for wanting to. 

"Yeah, go on. Holler if you need anything." He said with a weak smile. 

"Gentlemen." Brad nodded, wiping his hands on his sweatpants before taking his empty plate and walking back to the spare room once he'd put it into the dishwasher. 

He sighed as he rubbed his face, and Andy dropped down next to him on the couch after a moment, "Is everything really okay?" He asked, putting his arm around his waist. 

"Yeah, he just.. he doesn't fucking get it. He's acting like it's an inconvenience that we're all worried about him, y'know?"

"I know. He'll come around though, give him time."

He smiled and huffed quietly under his breath, "He's a stubborn asshole, you have no idea." He said with a small smile. Well yeah, he wasn't expecting Brad to change his mind on this any time soon. He knew that when Brad was under the impression that he was right about something, it was like pulling fucking teeth trying to get him to change his mind. 

Andy just smiled as he rubbed his hip gently where his hand was resting, "You can be a stubborn asshole too, just in case you forgot."

"Yeah, fuck you." He murmured with a small smile, although there was no heat in it. He knew that Andy was right, that he just needed to give Brad some time to cool off. That conversation had been.. pretty intense. This argument wouldn't last forever, but he just couldn't help the instinct in him to want to protect Brad - even though that was fucking ridiculous, because Brad was nearly a foot taller than him, and could probably still take him out by barely lifting a finger. Still, he couldn't help it. He just wanted him to realise that it wasn't totally uncalled for them to worry about him the way that he did. 

"I just came over to drop back those dishes you left at mine last week. D'you want me to stay, or should I leave you to it?" Andy asked after a moment. 

He sighed, rubbing a hand over his hair, "You're probably better off going. I'm gonna try and talk to him in a bit, so there's no point in you hanging around in case it all kicks off again." He shrugged, giving him a small smile. Well yeah, he didn't want Andy just stuck there in the middle of everything in case he and Brad ended up screaming at each other again. 

"Alright. Text me later anyway, just let me know you haven't killed each other." 

He smiled and rolled his eyes, leaning over to give him a quick kiss before standing up with him. He walked him out to the door, letting him out, "See you later." He said with a small smile, before letting him go. 

Once Andy had gone, he went back to the living room, deciding that he'd clean up before attempting to talk to Brad again. There wasn't really much to clean though, he just put his own plate in the dishwasher along with Brad's and turned it on, throwing their empty soda cans in the trash. Once he'd done that, and had straightened the living room out a little, he sighed as he walked down the hall to the spare room. Better to at least get this out of the way, he supposed. 

Knocking on the door, he put his hands in his pockets as he waited for Brad to acknowledge him, "Yeah?" He heard after a moment, and so he stuck his head into the room. Brad was sitting cross legged on the bed, his laptop open in front of him, "You talk to your mom?" He asked, looking over at him. 

"Yeah, she says hi."

"Cool." He murmured, chewing at his lower lip as he looked over at him. Eventually he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, "Look, I don't want to fight about this. So just, tell me the truth here and I'll drop it. Was the crash really an accident?"

Brad just looked at him for a moment, his features schooled into an expression that Ray couldn't quite decipher, "It was an accident, Ray. I swear."

He nodded, tapping on the doorframe, "Okay." He said with another nod. He couldn't help the relief that he felt at that, as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. If Brad looked him in the eye and swore to him that it had been an accident, it would have been pretty shitty of him not to believe that. He would be keeping an eye on him though, just to make sure that there were no repeat accidents of any sort, "Alright, I'll leave you to your emails. Tell Nate I said hey." 

"I will. Goodnight, Ray." He murmured with a small smile. 

"Goodnight, Brad." 

  
-x-

  
He wasn't going to lie, there was a.. weird sort of atmosphere over the next couple of days. 

Like he'd said, he was keeping a very close eye on Brad, while trying to appear like he wasn't. He still wasn't one hundred percent confident that the crash had been an accident, but he knew he had to take Brad at his word since he had sworn to him that he was. 

Like he'd said though, the atmosphere around the apartment was a little weird. Brad didn't seem as angry as he had been, he just didn't really seem like anything at all actually. He was very quiet, which Ray had to admit that he didn't like, and he'd sort of taken to just chilling in his room rather than going out - hell, rather than even hanging out in the living room. He just wasn't sure how he was supposed to go about bringing it up, because he knew Brad was sick of talking about it. He didn't seem miserable about it though, he seemed pretty content to just hang in his room all day and then emerge now and again for food. He was good about it though, the two days that he'd been working since Brad had come to stay with him, he'd come home both days to find dinner left out for him. Brad wasn't a great cook, he'd just put that out there, but it was the thought that counted at least.

Still, he was trying his best to encourage him to fucking come out with him or whatever, but he'd yet to actually achieve anything. It seemed a little like Brad was trying his best to stay out of his way, and he just.. fuck, he didn't want that. He knew that it had gotten a little intense the other day, especially with how they had finally admitted that they were still in love, but he didn't want Brad to feel like he had to make himself scarce for Ray's sake. 

They still hadn't actually talked about that the other day, and he wasn't exactly sure if they should either. Part of him wanted to sit him down and continue on that conversation, and the other half of him wanted to never bring it up again. If he was thinking of what to do it terms of doing the right thing, he knew they were probably better off just leaving it alone, but he just.. fuck, his head was a little all over the place right now. 

Hopefully things would become a little clearer over the next few days. 

  
-x-

  
"Brad." He called, knocking on the door once he'd put his toothbrush away and had gargled some mouthwash, "I won't be home tonight." 

It had been four days since Brad had come to Missouri, and like he'd said before, there was still that weird sort of atmosphere floating around the apartment. It was fine, but he just.. he felt a little as though they were tiptoeing around each other. Sometimes it felt a little like he couldn't breathe in the damn apartment, and so when Andy had asked if he wanted to stay the night at his place tonight, he'd obviously agreed. He hadn't actually seen Andy since the day Brad had come to Missouri and he'd introduced the two of them, so yeah, it'd be nice to just spend a little time with him.

He'd figured he'd just head straight over there after work that night, since he wasn't finished until eight tonight. It was still early, but he'd heard Brad mooching around while he was getting up, so he didn't feel at all guilty about knocking on his door even though it was barely seven in the morning.

Brad opened the door after a moment, and he had to suppress a smile at the way his hair was mussed, as though it hadn't been long since he'd gotten up, "Where're you going?" He asked. 

"I'm staying at Andy's. I haven't seen him much lately, so." He shrugged, biting his lip gently. 

Brad just hummed, a noncommittal noise, as he leaned against the doorframe. Like this, it was just all the more obvious how much taller he was than Ray. Not for the first time, he let his mind wander, wondered what it would be like to have to raise up on his tiptoes to meet Brad's mouth with his own. Andy was taller than him, but he wasn't quite as tall as Brad. But anyway, moving on from that train of thought.

"There's takeaway menus underneath the thing in the cutlery drawer, and obviously you're free to help yourself to whatever's in the fridge."

"Okay, cool." He said with a nod, and then, "You got, uh.." He murmured, gesturing to the corner of his mouth. 

"What?"

"Toothpaste." He said, gesturing again on himself where the toothpaste was. 

He swiped at the corner of his mouth, although obviously he'd missed it if the way Brad rolled his eyes was anything to go by. Without bothering to attempt to point it out again, Brad simply reached over and swiped at the corner of his mouth with his own thumb, wiping the toothpaste off. He swallowed as he caught Brad's eye - and shit.. why the fuck did his eyes have to be so stupidly blue - before he quickly looked away again, "Thanks, homes." He murmured, putting his hands in his pockets as he took a step back, "So anyway, yeah, I'll see you tomorrow at some point." 

"Okay, have a good night." 

"You too, don't trash the place while I'm gone or anything." 

Brad simply rolled his eyes, playfully pushing Ray back out into the hallway before shutting the door again. 

Work was, eh, it was work. It didn't exactly drag in, but since they weren't as busy as they had been for the last week or so, things had definitely died down. He was glad though, he was pretty exhausted with things being as hectic as they had been lately - plus, trying to figure out whatever the fuck was going on inside Brad's head didn't help either. There was just a lot going on right now and his stupid fucking brain didn't want to deal with any of it. 

It was around twenty past seven though, when his boss came by and told him to head off. It hadn't been busy today anyway, but the last hour or so had been especially slow, "Awesome, thanks Sarah." He chirped. 

After quickly tidying up the last of his own shit, and once he'd gone down to the locker room to change back into his own clothes, he headed out to the car, fishing his phone out of his pocket as he went, _"on the way, got out early."_ He quickly texted to Andy, before hopping into the car. Andy's place wasn't actually far from the kitchen, so it wasn't long before he was pulling up into the driveway and letting himself in, "Hey." He called with a small smile as he trailed into the living room.

"Hey." Andy called back, "You hungry? I wasn't sure whether you'd want anything or not."

"Nah, I'm good. I had a late lunch." He shrugged, dropping down onto the couch next to Andy, who moved over slightly to give him room, "How was your day?" He asked. 

"It was okay. I didn't really do much." He admitted with a smile.

For maybe about thirty minutes, they sat and watched television in silence. He was tired, but under the surface he was a little antsy. It had been a pretty stressful couple of weeks with everything that had been going on, and he could feel the tension bunched in a line across the back of his neck and shoulders. And so he grabbed the remote so that he could mute the volume on the movie, before moving over so that he could swing a leg over Andy's lap instead, "D'you want to go somewhere a little more comfortable?" He asked, leaning down to trail his mouth along Andy's neck. Well yeah, if he was being honest, he could do with a good hard fuck right now. 

Andy sighed though, putting his hands on Ray's shoulders to push him back a little, "I uh.. I actually wanted to talk to you about something." 

He sighed and nodded, sliding back off Andy's lap so that he was sitting back where he was against the arm of the couch, "Shoot." 

Andy didn't exactly seem like he knew how to say whatever it was he wanted to say though, and so Ray just kept quiet while he waited for him to decide what to say, "Look.." He eventually started, rubbing the back of his neck, "If you don't want to do this anymore, you know you just have to tell me, right?" 

"What, watch this movie?" He asked with a hint of a smile, although he was pretty sure he knew what he was talking about, and he could feel a slight pit in his stomach at the thought of what was happening. 

"You know what I mean, Ray." 

He sighed, biting his lip gently as he looked down at his lap for a moment, picking at a frayed thread at the knee of his jeans, "You know I love you, right?" He asked. Well yeah, as little as he wanted to break up with Andy, he knew that it wasn't really fair on him to keep doing this. Things had gotten complicated ever since he'd gotten that call to tell him Brad was alive, and while nothing had happened between them since Brad had kissed him that night in the hotel, he knew it really wasn't fair to keep being with Andy when he was as in love with Brad as he was. 

"I know." Andy murmured, dropping his hand to Ray's knee and squeezing gently, "But you love Brad too, right?"

That caught his attention, and he looked back up at Andy. He was smiling though, and so he just ran his fingers through his hair with a sigh, "Fuck.. I'm s-"

"Don't. It's okay." He murmured, "I don't want to say I saw this coming, 'cause that's an asshole way of putting it. But I guess I kind of.. prepared myself for the fact that this might happen."

"You what?" He asked, frowning as he looked over at him. Well yeah, he didn't think that Andy had guessed that anything was up, that he'd been preparing himself for this to happen. He did have to say though, he felt a little shitty at the thought that Andy had known all along how he felt for Brad, and that he'd been expecting Ray to break up with him over it. 

"When we first started dating, Derek told me you were cut up over someone who had died. Then you told me about your buddy Brad, and I kind of put two and two together. So when you called me from the airport and said that Brad was alive, I guess I kind of saw it coming."

"I'm sorry.. I mean, fuck, I didn't want to hurt you." He sighed. Well yeah, that was the last thing he wanted. Andy was a good guy, and he didn't deserve being screwed over like this. 

"It's okay, Ray. I mean, it's obvious that you two are.." He murmured, shrugging as he trailed off, "Just.. tell me you didn't cheat on me."

"I didn't." He promised him, biting his lip gently, "Brad kissed me, once, back in California. That was before he knew about you though, and he backed off once I told him that we were dating." He promised him. Well yeah, he knew that there was that one questionable evening before he'd left California and he'd basically asked Brad to kiss him. He hadn't though, and he'd admitted to himself afterwards how shitty of him that had been. If he had though, he and Andy would have already had to have had this conversation. Which.. he supposed only showed that breaking up was the right thing to do. He loved Andy, but if came down to it; he knew he'd always choose Brad. 

"Okay." Andy said with a nod, before smiling again, "Hey. I mean it, Ray, it's okay." 

He just looked over at him for a moment, biting his lip gently, before leaning over to cup his face between his hands and press their lips together in a quick kiss. Andy kissed him back for a moment, before leaning back from the kiss with a small smile. So he just sighed, his fingers toying gently with the collar of Andy's shirt for a moment, before pulling himself back altogether, "I'm sorry, I should go." He murmured. 

"Okay. But don't be a stranger, promise me you'll get in touch if you need anything?" 

"Yeah, fuck.. You too." 

Andy smiled at him again, before he decided that he needed to get out of here. 

He quickly got the rest of his shit together, before going back out to the car. Once there, he took a moment to just rest his forehead against the steering while, sighing under his breath. If he was being honest, he did feel a little bit like a weight had just been lifted from his chest. As awful as it sounded, because he did love Andy, breaking up just made things so much less complicated. His head had been all over the place, between wanting Brad and not wanting to hurt Andy, and he just.. he knew this had been the right decision. 

So he just drove home, and fifteen minutes later, he was letting himself back into the apartment. He wasn't really sure what he was supposed to say to Brad now that this had happened. Obviously he'd tell him, but he just.. fuck, how was he supposed to even bring it up. When he trailed into the living room, Brad was lying on the couch, looking bored as he watched whatever was playing on the television, "Hey, I thought you weren't coming home tonight?" He asked, looking over at him. 

Without thinking about what he was doing, he walked over to Brad and swung a leg over his legs so that he was straddling his lap, before leaning down to press their mouths together in a kiss. Not exactly what he'd been planning on doing, but he really couldn't help it with the way Brad looked soft and sleepy lying on the couch. Brad didn't hesitate in reciprocating, and he reached up to cup Ray's face between his hands as he kissed him back. For a moment, that was all it was - just the soft press of lips, their mouths moving together. After a moment though, he tilted his head to deepen the kiss, and fuck.. Brad's mouth was warm and wet, and he made a tiny noise in the back of his throat as he met Ray's tongue with his own. He tugged on Brad's lower lip with his teeth as he pulled away slightly, just enough so that he could see what he was doing as he reached down to fumble at the older man's belt. 

That was when Brad stopped him though, his fingers wrapping around Ray's wrists, "Wait, stop. What are you doing?" He asked, looking up at him. 

He swallowed thickly, looking away for a moment before sitting back, sliding off Brad's lap to sit at the other end of the couch, "Fuck, I'm sorry, that was stupid." He murmured, running his hands through his hair. 

"What about Andy?"

"We broke up." 

He wasn't exactly sure what to make of the expression on Brad's face then, although he definitely looked as though he had something he wanted to say, "Was it.. did you break up because of me?" He asked, biting his lip gently. 

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck, "I think it was a long time coming. I mean, I know he was good for me, but he wasn't.." He murmured, trailing off at the end of his sentence. He just, he wasn't sure how he was supposed to put it into words, how he was supposed to explain that he and Andy had been good for each other, but that it'd never be enough because he wasn't Brad? It sounded a little pathetic, and yet, it was the truth. He could honestly say that he loved Andy, but they hadn't stood a chance once he'd found out that Brad was alive. 

Brad was quiet then, and when Ray looked up to him again, it was to find a sympathetic expression on his face. Fuck, he hated that. He didn't want sympathy from Brad, he wanted.. well, shit, he didn't really know what he wanted from him. In theory, he could certainly think of a few things, but he was pretty sure of just how fucked up it would be if he jumped right into bed with Brad.

Obviously he wanted Brad, and the feeling was mutual, but like he'd said before - even if he hadn't been with Andy, it definitely was not the right time to try and start something with him now. Things had been okay over the last couple of days, but he still hadn't gotten it out of Brad what had actually happened to make him withdraw back in to himself like he had. Obviously something had happened, Brad was quiet, he was far more subdued than he'd ever seen him, and shit.. he didn't want to initiate something that Brad wasn't capable of right now. Besides, he'd literally only just gotten out of a relationship, maybe he needed a bit of time to cool off too. 

So he rubbed his face, groaning into his hands, "I'm sorry, forget I did anything, that was stupid."

"Did you forget the part where we were on the same page about this?" Brad asked, and when he didn't say anything in response, he felt the back of Brad's fingers gently brushing against his cheekbone. 

"Are we though?" He asked, finally looking back over at Brad. He couldn't help but reach up to catch his hand, tangling their fingers together as he dropped their joined hands back down to rest on his knee. 

Brad just swallowed, his blue eyes dark as he looked at him, seemingly searching for something, "I love you, Ray." 

Fuck. He knew that, he knew that Brad loved him, and yet.. to hear him actually say the words. It sent a pang of something through him, because he knew that they couldn't do this. Not right now. He sighed as he brushed his thumb gently over Brad's knuckle, "I love you too, Brad, you know that." He murmured. 

"But?"

"But, you're my best friend." He murmured, looking back up at him. Brad just looked at him, and so he sighed again, "Andy and I literally just broke up, and are you honestly ready for an actual relationship right now? Fuck, you know I want this, but I don't want us to rush into something we're not ready for, and end up fucking everything up 'cause of it." 

Well yeah, that was it really. Obviously he wanted Brad, but if they weren't ready for taking this thing to the next step, then he was worried they'd only end up driving each other away. He'd spent so long thinking Brad was dead, trying to get over losing him.. he didn't think he could handle it if they ended up hating each other because they had rushed into this.

"I'm not sure what's going on in your head right now, Brad, and I'm not totally sure that you are either. But I don't want you to end up hating me if you're not ready for this and it all goes to shit. I'm probably not ready either, if I'm being fucking honest."

Brad sighed, dropping his gaze for a moment, "You're right."

"..I am?"

"It's rare, but even a whisky-tango cretin such as yourself does manage to be right occasionally." 

He huffed out a breath of laughter at that, rolling his eyes as he pushed gently at Brad's shoulder, "Fuck off, Brad."

He was caught off guard by Brad cupping his cheek in his hand, turning his face towards him. Rather than kissing him like he'd expected though, he simply pressed a soft kiss to his cheek - which he refused to admit had him blushing like a fucking virgin. Obviously the older man caught it though, and he smiled and rolled his eyes as Brad smiled brightly at him. Whatever, it was a nice sight to see, even if it was at his expense. 

"Have you eaten?" Brad asked after a moment, "I know you weren't planning on coming home tonight, but you weren't over there long." 

"No, I uh.. I haven't eaten." 

"You want a grilled cheese?"

"Fuck, yes." He huffed, smiling as he followed Brad over to the kitchenette. 

  
-x-

  
When he got home from work the next evening, it was maybe twenty minutes in to his rustling around the kitchenette that he noticed something was different. 

Brad had been sitting at the kitchen table when he got in - flicking through the newspaper nonchalantly - and so he'd just left him to it, muttering a quick hello in greeting before going straight to the fridge. It had been a long fucking day in work, and busy again, so he'd barely gotten to take a lunch break earlier. Sitting and chatting about their respective days could wait, he was fucking starving. 

He'd been a little nervous about how things would be between himself and Brad after that conversation they'd had last night. He knew it had been the right decision though, that they'd only fuck things up between them if they'd rushed into bed together last night. For now, it was enough to know that their feelings were mutual, and that they were both on the same page. 

Well actually, for now, food was the first thing on his mind - and so like he'd said, he'd headed straight for the kitchen, "Eggs?" He offered, waiting for Brad's grunt of 'sure' before dragging a pan out of the cupboard and getting to work on frying a few eggs, "Fuckin' crazy busy today." He muttered as he worked, "Christina had a massive order of these fucking little pastry things to go out to one of the restaurants, and then she fell and broke her ankle last night, so I had to help Eric take over that, even though I had my own shit to do on top of that." He groused. He knew Brad was barely listening though, only intersecting an 'oh yeah?' or a 'that's crazy' occasionally, and honestly, he wasn't even looking for a response. He was just bitching for the sake of it.

Once he'd finished with the eggs and the toast had popped out of the toaster, he handed Brad his plate before setting back against the counter to eat his own eggs. Like he'd said, only then did he notice that there was something different about the kitchen, and it still even took him a moment to realise what it was, "Brad?" He asked, frowning as he looked over at the counter, "Why the fuck is there a vase of flowers on the counter?" He asked.

He wasn't even aware of the fact that he owned a vase, but apparently he did, because there was one currently sitting on the counter with a bunch of flowers in it. 

"Brad?" He asked again, when the older man didn't reply. 

When he turned back to him, he had to suppress a grin at the sight in front of him. Brad looked a little like he was constipated, and he was glaring down at the newspaper in front of him like it had killed his entire family. That wasn't the amusing part though, that was the fact that his face had flushed in what was obvious embarrassment. 

"Brad?" He asked again, a teasing tone to his voice this time. 

"I bought them." He muttered, still glaring down at the newspaper, "For you." He disappeared behind the newspaper then, opting instead to hold it up so that Ray couldn't see how he was obviously embarrassed.

"Huh." He murmured, glancing over at the flowers again. He couldn't exactly say he was into flowers all that much, but he'd admit that they were pretty. Plus, he was maybe a little charmed by the fact that Brad had bought them for him - for what, he didn't know. But the gesture was sweet either way. 

"They're nice, thanks." He said with a small smile, going back to his eggs. Okay, so he knew he could have relentlessly teased Brad over it, accused him of taking a hit to his masculinity and all that, but he figured he'd put him out of his misery. It was sweet that he'd decided to go out and get them for him.

The newspaper flicked down again after a moment, just enough that he could see Brad glaring at him now instead over the top of it. If it were anyone else, he'd be a little put out by that, but he knew what Brad was like, and so he knew not to get riled up by it. He stuck his tongue out at him in response, grinning when Brad just rolled his eyes and disappeared behind the newspaper again. 

They lapsed back into silence at that, and he continued to just work on his eggs until Brad spoke up again, "I've been an asshole lately." 

"You've been an asshole since I met you in Afghanistan." 

"Fuck off, Ray."

He smiled down at his plate, waiting on Brad to continue. He knew that he could be a little socially retarded at the best of times, and so it was easier to just shut the fuck up sometimes and let him say what he wanted to say.

"I think I owe you an explanation for my behaviour lately." He continued on after a moment. 

"You don't owe me anything, homes." He murmured, "If you wanna talk about it, I'll listen. But you don't owe me shit." 

Well yeah, obviously he was curious. Brad's subdued mood lately had obviously been a cause of concern, but he'd promised him after that first night here that he'd leave it alone once Brad had promised that he wasn't trying to kill himself. So he'd been doing his best not to poke at it. 

When he glanced back at Brad, it was to find him watching him over the top of the newspaper again, although he looked a little more apprehensive this time, "Later, promise." 

"Alright." He nodded, giving him a small smile. He turned to put his plate into the dishwasher once he'd finished with it, wiping his hands on his jeans as he straightened up, "I'm going for a shower. If you used all the hot water, I will skin you and make some creepy fuckin' Silence of the Lambs carpet out of you. Or a shag carpet, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" He teased with a grin back over his shoulder as he trailed out of the kitchen. 

It made him feel a little bit better to see Brad trying to hide his smile behind the newspaper.

  
-x-

  
By the time later on that even had rolled around, he felt like he'd gone through all five stages of grief and back again, trying to figure out what the fuck Brad was going to say. Obviously he didn't want to keep needling at him over it, because he'd promised that they'd talk, but he just.. he was obviously concerned. 

He'd delayed for maybe a little bit longer than he usually would have in the shower, standing underneath the spray of the hot water for a couple of minutes once he'd finished actually having his shower. He still had that fucking knot all along the back of his shoulders, but he had to admit that the scalding hot water did help a little with that. Once he was out of the shower, he dawdled around a little, and by the time he'd finally emerged back into the living room, Brad was nowhere to be seen. Okay, he guessed that he'd gone back to hide in his room for a little while, which he couldn't exactly say that he blamed him. 

Now that he wasn't here to get all pissy about it, he took a minute to actually look at the flowers that Brad had gotten him. Like he'd said, the gesture was actually pretty sweet - maybe a little out of character for Brad, but he had a feeling that they were supposed to be an apology of some sort. Still, like he'd said, the flowers themselves were actually pretty, full of yellows and oranges. Whatever, Brad was a big fucking softie. 

He yawned as he dropped down onto the couch then, kicking his feet up onto the other end as he flicked on the television. There was nothing even fucking on, and so he settled on some shitty quiz show that he didn't even know the name of.

Eventually, after twenty or so minutes of this, Brad emerged from his bedroom, his face shuttered as he sat down the other end of the couch from Ray. For a moment he just watched the television, and Ray tried not to be too obvious about the way he was watching him from the corner of his eye.

"I got a call, couple days after I last spoke to you on the phone, before I came here. They found two of the other Marines that were still unaccounted for." 

"Oh, yeah?" He asked, biting his lip gently. 

"Yeah. Eddie King, and Jack Dowling. They were my friends, and they found their bodies tied up in a fucking cave." 

He sighed, reaching out to put his hand on Brad's thigh, squeezing gently, "Shit. I'm sorry." 

"I got that call, and I just.. I had to get out of there. I felt like I was going out of my fucking mind, and I just couldn't sit in the house." Brad murmured, dropping his own hand down to cover Ray's, "I wasn't deliberately trying to crash the bike, but I'll admit that I may not have been in the right headspace to be out on it. Like I told you, I took a corner too fast and I wasn't paying attention." He shrugged. 

Okay, well that was.. he couldn't exactly say he was happy about that, but at least he could rest easy in the knowledge that Brad hadn't deliberately crashed the bike.

"D'you know why the fuck I'm the only one that's still alive?" He eventually asked, turning a little to face Ray. He hated the fact that he could see tears in his eyes, because this was the kind of hurt that he had no idea how he was supposed to fix, "Because I'm an American." He continued, when Ray hadn't answered him, "That's the only reason that they kept me alive, because they thought they could get something out of me. And they killed my fucking friends." He snapped, swiping angrily at his eyes. 

He sighed as he reached up to press his hand to the back of Brad's neck, gently pressing his fingers into the taut muscle, "Brad, you don't need t-"

"They hit our Humvee." He said softly, interrupting him, "They mined the road, and our fucking Humvee drove right over it. Our driver was killed on impact, so was the kid in the rear passenger seat. They were both younger than you, Ray." He murmured, "When I came to, I could barely breathe.. I was a fucking mess, I don't know, I don't remember much of the first few days." 

"I don't know where the fuck they took us, but when I came around for real; we were holed up in some cave. There were three other guys besides myself, but one of them had died since they'd brought us to the cave. I don't know how long we were down there." 

He sighed as he gently squeezed the back of Brad's neck, watching as he swiped at his eyes again. 

"I don't know what they wanted at first, but once they found out I was an American in a company of Brits, it was like they'd struck fucking gold. They wanted information on the American troops that were deployed to Fallujah, and I don't think they understood that I didn't know anything, that I'd been detached from the USMC. Or maybe they just didn't care, I don't know, but they were convinced that I'd just been picked up by the British Marines." He trailed off after a moment, rubbing a hand over his mouth that Ray hated to see was shaking, "They started with me, broke my wrist again." He murmured, holding up his left hand for a moment to show off the scar, "They starved me, I wasn't allowed to sleep. Obviously I couldn't tell them anything though, because I didn't fucking know. I tried to make something up, but they could tell it was all bullshit. And when they realised I wasn't going to tell them what they wanted, they turned on the other guys - made me watch while they tortured them." 

He got up then, folding his arms as he stepped a couple of paces away from Ray. He didn't blame him for not wanting to face him though, he couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for him to talk about this. 

"I still couldn't tell them anything. I tried, but it obviously wasn't what they wanted to hear. They.. they put a bullet through Matheson's head, because I couldn't tell them anything. In front of me." He murmured, his voice cracking in the middle of the sentence.

He stood then, going to Brad as he sunk to the floor. He knelt with him, putting his arms around Brad and pulling him to his chest, running his fingers gently through his hair, "Hey, shh. It's okay." He murmured, although he could feel himself getting equally as choked up as Brad pressed his face against his neck, and there were those heart wrenching sobs again that he'd heard from Brad that first night at the hotel, "Brad, you're so strong. You think I could have gone through that and made it through the other side in one piece?"

"They're dead because of me, Ray. I didn't.. they killed them, because I couldn't give them the answers they wanted." 

"Shut the fuck up, Brad." He said softly, still running his fingers through his hair, "Nobody blames you for that, you hear me? You couldn't tell them what you didn't know, and you honestly think anyone would criticise you for that?" He asked. He leaned back a little so that he could cup Brad's face between his hands, brushing his thumbs gently against his cheekbones to wipe away the tears that were streaming down his face. 

"But I-" 

"But nothing, Brad. Anyone who's ever met you knows that you wouldn't have just left those guys to die, that you would've done anything to save them." 

"They're still dead though. They kept me alive, and they left me down there with their bodies after they'd killed them. For weeks." 

He sighed, pulling Brad to him again and letting him settle against him with his head tucked under his chin. It was odd, sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and Brad curled up against him, despite the fact that he was about twice his size. He knew that he needed this right now though. 

For a moment, he didn't really know what he was supposed to do. So he just held him where they sat, combing his fingers gently through Brad's hair in a way that he hoped soothed him. Fuck.. what Brad had been through, he couldn't even imagine what it must have been like to have to face yourself in the mirror every day and know that you were the only one who'd survived that. It was no wonder really that he was suffering with that awful survivor's guilt. It certainly wasn't Brad's fault that the others had died, and he'd stick by that until the day he died, but he could understand why he blamed himself. He could feel Brad shivering where he sat curled up against him, and he sighed as he pressed a kiss to his hair. 

"Alright, fuck it. C'mon, up." He told him after a couple of minutes.

"What?" 

"Get up, I got a plan."

Brad just looked at him, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion. He was more than a little relieved to see though that he wasn't crying anymore, that he seemed to have gotten himself mostly under control while they were curled up here together. He was still shaking, but he seemed a little less hysterical.

"Come on, get up." He repeated, dragging himself to his feet and taking Brad's hands, pulling him up with him, "Get into bed in my room and make yourself comfortable. I'll be in in a minute, and we're gonna watch a movie." 

"You don't have to. I mean, I know I'm bad company tonight." 

"You think I give a shit about that?" He asked, giving him a small smile, "I don't care what kind of company you think you are or aren't tonight. That was.. a lot. And I don't know how to fix it, but I know how to make you feel a little better, so we're gonna put on a movie, and if you want to just turn over and go to sleep; that's fine. If you want to cuddle, I'm more than happy to. Whatever you need." He murmured. Well yeah, he wasn't sure he could go through with it if Brad wanted anything more than that - he was pretty sure he'd feel a little shitty if he let things go any further, considering Brad was obviously a little fragile right now - but he was more than happy to just be with him, to hold him for the night and let him take whatever comfort he needed from that. 

Eventually Brad nodded, quickly wiping his hands on his sweatpants before turning on his heel and walking down the hall to Ray's room.

He smiled as he watched him go, before turning back to the kitchenette. For a moment, he just took a deep breath, leaning against the counter. Fuck.. that had been pretty intense, and it had just pretty much solidified that fact that he knew Brad really wasn't alright. Still, he didn't blame him in the slightest, he was actually surprised that he was holding it together as well as he was - all things considered. Okay, back to the task at hand. He quickly searched through the cupboard until he found a bag of popcorn, putting it into the microwave to pop. While he waited on that, he went about making them each a cup of tea. He still maintained that hot chocolate couldn't be topped when it came to comfort, but he didn't have any right now, and plus he was pretty sure it'd be a little gross with popcorn anyway. 

A couple of minutes later, he had everything together, and he followed Brad into the bedroom. When he got there, Brad was sitting up over the other side of the bed with the covers pulled over his lap, but he still looked like he didn't really know what to do with himself, "Homes, relax." He told him with a small smile, passing one of the mugs to him. 

It took him a second to set up the TV and the DVD player, having a quick rummage through the drawer of DVDs before turning back to Brad, "Okay, uh.. I got Tarzan, the Aristocats, and the Jungle Book. And we're watching a cartoon because I said so." He teased with a small smile. 

"Okay, uh, Tarzan I guess." 

"Cool." He chirped, putting the DVD into the player. He turned off the light then before joining Brad in the bed, sliding in next to him under the covers, "Do I have to sit on you to make you relax?" 

"Depends on what else you're offering to do once you're sat on me."

He was honestly so taken aback by the quip that he couldn't help but laugh, a quick startled sound, "Jesus Christ, Brad. I'm trying to be nice, can you not be a fucking horny monster for once in your life?" 

Brad just offered him a smile in response - a tiny amused thing - and so he just knocked his shoulder gently against his before slouching back against the pillow as he pressed play on the remote. 

It took a while, but eventually Brad relaxed against him, and they sat in silence as they watched the film. He was glad that he seemed pretty at ease actually, where he was lying curled against Ray with his head resting against his shoulder, "Y'know-" He murmured, shifting a little so that he could drop his arm around Brad's shoulder. He didn't say anything about it though, he just moved over a little to allow Ray more room to put his arm around him, "I think they're planning on making like, a live action version of this. Like with real actors instead of animation." 

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Homes, you should totally audition for it if they do. You'd make an awesome Tarzan." 

Brad just huffed quietly under his breath, rolling his eyes. It was obvious that he was trying to hold back a smile though, and so he just grinned as he settled back, flicking a kernel of popcorn at him. 

They went back to watching the film after that, and he just trailed his fingers gently along the skin of Brad's arm where the end of his t-shirt cut off. Brad was quiet, but he just.. he didn't exactly blame him for it. He knew it must have been pretty hard for him to talk about what had happened. Hell, it was hard enough for him to listen to it, so he couldn't imagine how Brad must have felt to have to tell him about it, to have to relive something like that. Goddamn, he wanted to track down everyone who'd ever hurt Brad and kill them himself - the thought was maybe a little ridiculous, because he knew Brad could look after himself, but still. 

"Hey, Brad-" He said again, maybe twenty minutes before the film ended. When he didn't answer, he glanced back down at him only to find that he was asleep, his face still pressed against the ball of Ray's shoulder. He couldn't help but smile at the sight, gently scratching his fingers through Brad's hair for a moment. He'd imagined that their conversation before had been pretty mentally draining, so he was more than happy for him to just sleep. 

Once he'd turned off the TV with the remote, he managed to extract himself from Brad without waking him, taking their mugs and the empty popcorn bowl and bringing them back out to the kitchen. He'd deal with them in the morning, for now, he just left them in the sink. Once he'd locked up and turned off the lights, he went back to his room, quietly sliding back underneath the covers. He sighed as he just looked at Brad for a moment, biting his lip gently. Fuck, he was so strong, and he didn't even realise it. He could understand the survivors guilt, but he wished that he wouldn't blame himself for what had happened - because it certainly wasn't his fault. 

On that note though, he simply curled close to Brad, dropping his arm back around his waist as he settled down to sleep. 

  
-x-

  
When he woke up the next morning, he was surprised to find that Brad was already awake and that he was watching him. Well, he wasn't surprised to find that he was awake - even before this had all happened, Brad had always been an early riser. Although, he supposed it wasn't that early - a quick glance at the clock told him that it was after eleven. 

He smiled as rubbed at his right eye with a knuckle, turning over onto his side so that he could face Brad, "Hey, you awake long?" He asked as he pulled the covers up underneath his chin. For late in the summer, it was actually pretty cold in his room right now. Still, he didn't mind, meant he felt a little less guilty about lazing around in bed. 

"Not long, couple of minutes." Brad answered with a slight shrug. He still looked tired, but he looked soft and comfortable where he was curled up across from him, and he couldn't help but smile at the sight. He was more than happy to stay here with him actually, to just pull the covers up over them and pretend the rest of the world didn't exist. 

"Hey, so look-" He started, biting his lip gently as he looked over at him, "I'm super fucking proud that you talked to me last night. I get how hard that must've been, so just.. I'm proud of you, dude."

Brad flashed a slightly shy looking smile at him, and he couldn't help but rack his brains for any other occasion in his life where Brad Colbert had acted shy in front of him. He was pretty sure that there wasn't one, because that had never been a thing between them. Ever since Afghanistan, when he'd tracked Brad down because he'd heard from one of the other Corporals in Charlie Company - who he'd been with at the time - that Sergeant Colbert from Bravo was about an inch away from totally destroying his comms in a fit of anger, things had never been tentative between them. He'd found Brad, told him that he was good with the comms and that he could probably fix them if he let him have a look, and that was that. Brad had glared up at him for thirty seconds before shoving the radios in his direction and stalking off, and he'd had the comms repaired and rewired back to Brad's Humvee by the time he'd gotten back. Two days later, his C.O had come to him and had told him that he was being transferred to Bravo at the request of Sergeant Colbert, and the rest was history. The point of what he was saying though, was that they'd never really had that awkward acquaintance phase - he'd moved his shit into Brad's Humvee, and had settled straight in with a verse of country music and a crack at Brad's parentage.

He was snapped out of his thoughts by Brad reaching over and gently brushing his fingers against his cheekbone, still wearing that same soft smile, "Thanks, Ray." He murmured. 

Recently, he'd been a little caught off by how.. tender, Brad could be when he wanted to. He was used to the older man acting like a fucking caveman - sometimes communicating only in grunts and the occasional glare in his direction - but he couldn't exactly say he minded. It was nice to see this somewhat softer side of Brad, even though he'd always known that he was a huge softie underneath the Iceman persona. 

He was about to respond, when Brad shifted slightly closer to him underneath the covers - close enough that he could feel the body heat radiating from him, even though they weren't quite touching, "Is this okay?" He asked quietly, the fingers that had been lightly touching his cheekbone now sliding around so that he was cupping his jaw properly. He could only nod, before Brad closed the distance between them to press their lips together in a soft kiss.

Okay, so he knew what he'd said, that it was probably best that they didn't do this right now - since it was fairly obvious that neither of them were ready - but he found it hard to mind when Brad was kissing him like that. It was.. certainly different anyway, to their other two previous kisses. The first time, he'd been pretty taken aback and had had to put a stop to it because he'd been seeing Andy, and then he'd sort of ambushed Brad on the couch the second time. This was nice; they were both on the same page, and there was nothing hurried or rushed about it. Brad was still gently cupping his jaw, and he had his head angled into the kiss.

For a moment, it was pretty chaste actually. That was until he parted his lips on a sigh though, and Brad took the opportunity to lick into his mouth. He returned the gesture, meeting Brad's tongue with his own as he reached a hand up to run his fingers through the older man's hair. 

While he was still getting used to the fact that they were actually kissing, he barely noticed that Brad was moving until he found himself on his back with Brad braced on his elbows above him. He couldn't exactly say he minded though, when he leaned down to kiss him again. He simply draped his arms over his shoulders, tilting his head up a little to kiss him back. He vaguely registered in the back of his mind that he was half-hard in his boxers - and he could feel that Brad was too, where they were pressed against each other - but their kisses were still slow and lazy, so it wasn't exactly an urgent matter.

"Brad.." He eventually murmured, dropping his arms back down so that he could cup his face between his hands instead, leaning back out of the kiss. 

"I know. I was just pushing my luck." Brad said with a small smile, and he couldn't help but lean up again to press another quick kiss to his lips. He let him go after a moment, and Brad slid back over to his own side of the bed, folding his arms underneath his pillow, "You taste like morning breath." 

He laughed, reaching over to gently shove at his good shoulder, "Well you don't taste too good yourself, asshole." 

"I didn't say I minded."

"You're disgusting, honestly. And you call me the troglodyte." He teased with a grin, pushing himself into a sitting position so that he could swing his legs over the edge of the bed, "What's the plan today?" He asked, rubbing his face. 

"Are you working?" 

"Nope, I earned myself a couple hours of freedom." 

"I might go for a walk later, if you want to join me." Brad suggested with a shrug. 

"Yeah, that'd be cool." He said, giving him a small smile back in return. Well yeah, he was trying not to let on how relieved he was to hear that. He was working a lot lately and so he wasn't in the house, but he was pretty sure that Brad's daily routine didn't exactly extend out far from the apartment. He got it though, he knew he was self-conscious of the scars, and he had a feeling that he was maybe a little bit.. wary of other people right now. So he was just glad to hear that he was planning to be out and about for a little bit, "I gotta do some grocery shopping later, so you could come with, if you want." 

"Yeah, sounds good." 

He just smiled back at him, before both their attentions were drawn to the door when the doorbell rang, "Who's that?" Brad asked, and he just rolled his eyes in response. 

"Oh, I don't know. Let me just use my fucking mind powers to magically figure out who's at the door." 

Brad just flipped him off in response while he climbed out of the bed, grabbing a hoodie off the chair in the corner and pulling it on on his way to the door. Fucking midday on a Wednesday, if it was somebody selling shit then he really couldn't be held accountable for his actions. 

When he opened the door though, he was surprised to find Claire on the other side, balancing Emily on her hip, "Oh, hey! What's going on?" He asked with a smile, stepping aside to let them in. 

"I was in town visiting mom, I got her some stuff at that new garden centre that opened up near me. Once I told kiddo here that we were coming up, she insisted we come see you too." 

"Well yeah, obviously. She knows what an awesome uncle I am, isn't that right?" He asked with a grin, plucking Emily from Claire's arms and propping her on his own hip. He held a hand out to her, laughing when she high-fived him, "You want coffee?" He asked Claire. 

"Yeah, sure." 

"Cool, just.. let me tell Brad you guys are here." He told her, handing Emily back over to her. He went back down to his bedroom, finding Brad sat on the edge of the bed now, doing something on his phone, "Hey, dude. My sister and her kid are here, if you want to come say hey." 

"Oh, yeah. Sure." 

He was about to leave him to it when Brad called him back, "Ray, uh.. does she know everything?" He asked. 

"Some." He answered with a shrug. Well yeah, she knew who Brad was, she knew that he was his old team leader, she knew that he'd died and that he'd then been found alive. He hadn't told her how he and Brad felt about each other, but she'd seen the way he was after he'd gotten the news that Brad was dead, so he doubted it was too hard to guess. 

"Okay, I'll be out in a minute. Just let me change." He said with a small smile, and so he just left him to it. 

When he came back out to the main room, Claire was leaning against the kitchen counter with her arms folded, watching Emily toddling around the living room, holding onto the couch to keep herself on her feet. Claire was watching him with a somewhat smug expression though, and he raised an eyebrow in response, "What?"

"Nothing. Just.. I noticed that you went into your room to go get Brad." 

He hated that he could feel his face flushing a little at her words, because it wasn't like that. Well.. it was, but he and Brad had just slept in the same bed, they hadn't fucked or anything, "It's not like that. It's just.. shut up." He told her, flipping her off as he trailed into the kitchen to turn on the coffee machine.

He made three cups of coffee, and by the time he had them ready, Brad had trailed out to the living room, "Hi, Claire, nice to meet you." 

"You too, we've heard a lot." She teased with a slight grin. 

Brad just flashed a quick look at him, although he was smiling, so he just rolled his eyes in response as he handed him his mug, "Shut the fuck up." He said with a grin. 

"I didn't say anything." 

"Josh, how many times have I told you not to swear in front of Emily." Claire added, folding her arms, "She listens to you." 

"Hell yeah, she does. She loves me." He said with a grin, crouching to scoop Emily up. He laughed as she squealed, setting her on his lap once he sat back down, "Em, this is my friend Brad." He told her, pointing over to where Brad was sat. Brad smiled and waved at her, although she just giggled as she buried her face against the fabric of his hoodie, "She's shy." He told him with a grin. 

"She looks like you." Brad told Claire. Well yeah, he and Claire both had the same dark features and dimples, and Emily had obviously inherited them from Claire. It was obviously a common trait in the Person family, their other sister Alex was the same. Their mom's hair was a little lighter, but she had the same dark eyes as her children. 

"Yeah, she's a chip off the old block, alright." Claire said with a smile. 

For a while they just chatted, Ray told Claire about how busy they were at work, and she asked Brad questions about himself. He was glad that she stuck to the safer topics though, and that she didn't mention much about the Corps or about the nature of his and Ray's relationship. He knew she got it though, and that she'd never intentionally be a dick about it. He'd spoken to her on the phone the day after he and Andy had split up, so he was pretty glad that she hadn't brought that up either - he knew Brad already still wasn't too convinced at the fact that their reason for breaking up hadn't been his fault.

Eventually, Emily decided she'd had enough of sitting on his lap, and he let her down onto the floor. For a couple of minutes, she wandered around the living room and the kitchen, before eventually coming back to them. Instead of deciding she wanted attention from him or Claire though, she trailed over to tug at the leg of Brad's jeans, "Hey, kid." He said with a smile, standing when she took his hand and pulled. 

He had to suppress a smile at the way Brad had to crouch slightly to let Emily keep a hold of his hand as she pulled him over to the balcony door - well yeah, she was a year old, and Brad was eight fucking feet tall. 

She pressed her hand against the sliding door, looking up at him, "Birds." She told him, and he glanced back at Claire for a moment. 

"Yeah, go on. Emily, behave for Brad." She told her, giving her a thumbs up. 

Brad just scooped Emily up then, balancing her on his hip as he opened the door to step out onto the balcony with her. He knew that Brad had always bitched about kids, that he claimed he'd never wanted them, and that they were just an unnecessary expense, but he just.. he couldn't help but smile as he watched him with Emily. He held her on his hip, smiling as he pointed up to the birds on the ledge across the way. He couldn't hear what he was saying to her, but she squealed in delight as she waved at the birds. He couldn't help but think of that roadblock back in Iraq, when that woman had handed her baby over to Brad and he'd stuttered his way through giving the child back to her. That encounter had fit with the Iceman that he was used to, but he couldn't help but find this much sweeter.

"Y'know, I don't think I've ever seen you looking this lovesick before." Claire eventually told him, elbowing him lightly in the side. 

"Shut up, I'm not lovesick." He told her, rolling his eyes. Okay, maybe a little. He couldn't help it. 

"Right.. so you can tell me with absolute truth, that the gorgeous man out on your balcony had absolutely nothing to do with why you and Andy broke up?" 

He rolled his eyes, swirling the dregs of his coffee around in the mug, "I didn't dump Andy for Brad, if that's what you're thinking. Andy was the one who ended it." He said with a shrug. Well yeah, that was the truth. He didn't feel right about leaving it there though, he and Claire had always been close. She was only a little over a year older than him, he'd always been able to talk to her about stuff, "Look.. I love him, and he loves me, but you know what happened. He only told me last night what actually happened over there, and he's.. it was really fucking intense, I don't know how he's keeping it together as well as he is. We've talked about it, and we agreed the timing isn't right." He murmured with a shrug. He chose not to mention the way they'd been making out only minutes before Claire and Emily had come over.

"Josh, with everything that happened.. honestly? Fuck the timing." She told him, "What if he actually was dead? You lost him once, now you're getting a second chance and you're not gonna take it?" She asked. 

"I don't want to fuck it up if we're not ready." He admitted, biting his lip gently.

Claire sighed, reaching over to scratch at his head, "I know, but look at that. D'you honestly want to keep waiting, when you could have that?" She asked, and he looked back out to where Brad was. He was still holding Emily on his hip, a bright smile on his face as he looked down at her. Honestly, the sight alone made him want to jump Brad as soon as Claire and Emily left. It wasn't fair, Brad was hot enough without being fucking amazing with kids too.

"You have no idea. The things I'd let him do to me.." 

She rolled her eyes and reached over to shove at his shoulder, "You're disgusting, honestly." 

He just grinned, before lightly pushing her back, "I know. Thanks, though. I mean it. Things have been a little weird lately, and I don't know whether I'm coming or going." 

"I know. You deserve to have this though, okay?" She said, patting him on the knee before standing up, "Right, I'll go rescue Brad, and then we should probably go." 

She went out to get Emily then, and he was a little concerned about the fact that he couldn't hear what she was saying to Brad as he passed Emily back over to her. He was pretty sure it was probably the same thing she'd said to him, about second chances and all that. He knew where she was coming from, he just.. fuck it, he was scared. He was scared of losing Brad if they weren't ready to take things to the next level and they ended up fucking things up because of it. He wasn't a pussy by any means, but he would admit that he was scared of losing Brad. He'd done it once and he'd barely made it through that first time, he wasn't ready to do it again. 

Eventually she came back inside, and Brad trailed in after her, giving Ray a small smile as he leaned against the counter. 

"Alright, it was nice to see you guys. Say bye, Em." She told her, and Emily waved at them.

"Bye, uncle Josh. Bye, Brad." 

"Oh, bye, gorgeous. I'm gonna kidnap you some day, I swear." He said with a grin, pressing a kiss to Emily's forehead. Brad smiled and waved at her once he'd let her go. He walked them out then, giving Claire a quick hug, before trailing back into the living room, finding Brad still where he was, although he was flicking through a brochure that he'd left on the counter yesterday.

"When the fuck did you get so good with kids? I think Emily was a little bit in love." He teased with a grin, flopping down onto the couch. 

Brad glanced up at him, shrugging slightly, "I guess I've sort of always been good with them. Helps that I've spent the last three years rounding you degenerates up. You're almost like children, it was good training." 

He laughed, rolling his eyes, "Yeah, whatever, homes. Seriously though, she loved you." 

"Yeah, she's a sweet kid." 

"Course she is, she's related to me." 

"In which case, I would have expected her to be a little more retarded. It seems that that's not a common Person family trait though, as your sister was oddly pleasant. It's obviously just you." Brad shrugged, a tiny smile pulling at the corners of his mouth as he went back to the brochure he'd been looking at. 

"Somebody woke up in a bitchy mood." He pointed out with a grin. 

Brad just shot a grin back up at him, accompanied with a wink that left him not really knowing what to do with himself. Still, he was glad to see that he was obviously feeling a little better though, it was nice to see him in this playful sort of mood. 

"Shut up, Brad." He said with a grin, even though he knew he hadn't actually said anything. Whatever, Brad had told him to shut up enough times, even when he hadn't said anything either. 

"Or what?" 

"Really, you're gonna play that game? What are you, twelve?" He asked as he got back up off the couch, rolling his eyes.

"I mean it, or what? You gonna make me shut up?" Brad asked, and when he turned around to him, he was surprised to find that he was right there. 

This close, it was obvious how much taller than him Brad was, and he swallowed thickly as he looked up at him, "I could try.. would you let me?" He asked. 

Brad just tilted his head down to him a little, a teasing grin on his lips as he lightly brushed the tip of his nose against Ray's, "There's very few things I wouldn't let you do." 

"You know that's totally unfair, right?" He asked, biting his lip gently. He couldn't help the way his hands drifted to Brad's hips, his fingers sliding underneath the hem of his t-shirt to press against bare skin, "Really, you play dirty." 

"I never said I wouldn't." Brad pointed out, dipping his head slightly further just so that he could brush his mouth against Ray's - not quite kissing him, but not too far off from it either. It took everything in him not to just push up into it, to wrap his arms around Brad's neck and pull him down into a proper kiss. It felt almost like they were playing a game though - Brad was definitely flirting anyway - and so he didn't want to be the first to give in. He wanted to at least pretend he had an ounce of self control.

After a moment though, he pulled away, that flirty smile still on his lips as he stepped out of Ray's space, "So, did you make a list for that grocery shop?" He asked. 

For a moment, he could only look at him, before a disbelieving laugh slipped out, "I honestly mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say that you're an asshole and I hate you, I hope you know that." 

Brad just grinned, rolling his eyes, "Go get dressed, Ray." He told him, pressing a light touch to the small of his back as he passed. 

Yeah, what a fucking asshole. 

  
-x-

  
Things were.. different, after that. 

Not in a huge way, but enough that he'd definitely noticed. Brad seemed in a better mood, for starters. Not that he was suddenly having the time of his life, but he seemed a little like he was less weighed down by everything that had happened. He still woke up in the middle of the night sometimes to find the bed empty beside him, with sounds of the television on in the living room - even though it was four in the morning. But after the first time he'd gone out to join him on the couch, Brad had insisted with a small smile that he was fine, and that he didn't need to get up to babysit him every time he got up during the night. That was another thing actually. After that first night, they had sort of just taken to sleeping in the same bed at night. Nothing more had actually happened between them, but it was nice to still curl up close to him at night. Sometimes Brad was there when he woke up, sometimes he wasn't, but it was nice either way. 

There were a couple of times too that he'd gotten home from work to find the apartment empty. The first few days, Brad had stayed in all the fucking time. So he was glad that he was actually getting out a little. He really couldn't have taken any more time off work than he already had, but he'd obviously worried about the fact that Brad was sitting in the apartment by himself all day. He knew that that was how depression took hold, and he really didn't want him feeling any worse than he obviously already did. 

So like he'd said, there were times that Brad was still quiet and seemed in unusually bad form, but overall he actually seemed like he was doing pretty well. Even though it had been hard, it seemed like it had done Brad some good to actually open up about what had happened. 

Then, there was the fucking flirting. 

Ever since Brad had first attempted it and it had been received well, it seemed that that was the only go ahead that he'd needed. It felt almost like he had the old Brad back, before any of this shit had happened, except now it was.. more. They'd always been like this, they'd always flirted and claimed that they were like an old married couple, but this was different. Now there was actually legs to it - an accompanying heat behind Brad's words, a hint of hunger in his eyes as he said them. Like he'd said, nothing more solid had actually happened, but it was the subtle things - a light touch against the small of his back, the way he'd catch Brad's eyes flicking up and down the length of his body for a moment now and again. It definitely felt like the build up to something, and even though he felt a little like he was going crazy with it sometimes, he figured it was better to just leave it alone and let things play out however they were going to. 

Didn't mean that he wasn't going a little bit crazy with it, but whatever. 

  
-x-

  
"Hey." Brad started, nudging Ray's knee with his own, "Do you ever regret leaving the Corps?" 

He'd had a bitch of a day in work. His car wouldn't start this morning and so by the time he'd eventually gotten it running, he'd just managed to hit the rush hour traffic. He didn't even live that far from the kitchen, but he still ended up being late to work because of it. Then pretty much from the get-go, they had been swamped all day. He'd ended up staying back late that evening just to help finish up some shit. He'd dropped his cup of coffee at lunch too and had broken the damn mug, so that hadn't exactly helped his day much. So really, by the time he got home, he'd wanted nothing more than to plant himself down on the couch and not move for the evening. 

When he eventually got home, Brad had left a plate of chicken stir fry out for him, and he was curled up at the end of the sofa, watching whatever movie was on the television.

So that was where he found himself now too. After wolfing down the plate of dinner, he'd gone for a quick shower before joining Brad on the couch. That had been twenty or so minutes ago though, and he had to admit that he wasn't even really watching the movie - he'd more been just dozing off, his arms folded over his stomach. He stirred when he felt Brad's knee knocking against his, rubbing his eye as he looked over at him, "What?"

"The Corps. Do you ever regret deciding to leave?"

He thought about it for a moment before shrugging, rubbing the back of his head, "Yes and no, I guess. I mean, I kinda miss it, but I don't regret getting out." He shrugged. Well yeah, that was what it boiled down to. He definitely missed aspects of the Corps - he missed the guys, he missed the fact that he felt like he was making a difference. Obviously there were other parts that he didn't miss that much, Command being one of those parts. Like he'd said though, he was pretty sure he'd done the right thing by leaving when he had. He was never going to be a career Marine, so he'd done his time with his two tours, and he figured that was enough.

"Why?" He asked, glancing over at Brad, who looked like he was deep in thought, "You thinking of leaving?" 

"No, I just.." He started, before sighing and shrugging. He seemed like he knew what he wanted to say, but that he just didn't know how to get it out, "I don't know.. I don't really know how I'm going to go back." 

Honestly? He got it. Things had been quiet ever since he'd gotten that call to say that Brad was in the hospital, but he knew that it wouldn't stay that way forever. So he didn't really know how Brad was going to just go back to work. Still, he was a little surprised that he'd been handling his time off as well as he had been - he'd expected him to be restless and wanting to go back to work sooner than he was ready to, but so far he'd seemed pretty content to spend his days not really doing a lot.

"Well, you don't have to go back." He suggested with a shrug, "I mean, nobody said you have to keep being a Marine. You could start looking for other things if you don't feel comfortable going back to active duty." He shrugged. Well yeah, Brad was young, it wouldn't be totally unrealistic for him to want to change career track.

"No, it's not that. I don't want to leave the Corps, it's just.. fuck, I don't know." 

"Yeah, I get that. I'd back you if you decided you wanted to do something else. You know that, right?"

"Yeah, course." He said with a nod, folding his arms, "I don't know, I think I just need some time to get used to the idea of going back to base, it just feels sort of.. wrong, to go back already. I know you said I've got options, but this was always what I was going to do with my life, I can't imagine doing anything else." 

He just nodded, yawning as he rubbed his face, "I'm not gonna tell you what you should or shouldn't do, homes." He told him, biting his lip gently. Well yeah, he'd totally back Brad on whatever he decided to do - whether that was leaving the Corps and totally changing his plan on what to do for the rest of his life, or whether he wanted to report back for active duty tomorrow morning - but he wasn't about to start telling him what he should do. It was Brad's life, so it was totally his choice, "I'm more than happy to have you here, as long as it takes for you to figure this shit out." He said with a small smile, reaching over to pat him on the knee. He left his hand where it was though, and after a moment Brad dropped his hand down to cover it, sliding his fingers between Ray's. 

"It's not just that, it's.. I think there's some other things I need to figure out." 

"Like what?"

Brad just shrugged and smiled, leaning over to press a quick kiss against his cheek, "Go to bed, Ray. You look exhausted." He said with a slight grin. 

He just looked at him for a moment, before rolling his eyes, "We're not finished talking about this, I hope you know that." He told him, pressing his hand to Brad's shoulder for a moment and squeezing gently as he passed him. Whatever, Brad was a fucking weirdo, he'd get it out of him eventually. 

"Goodnight, Ray." 

  
-x-

  
He yawned as he let himself into the apartment a couple of days later, kicking the door shut behind him.

It hadn't been a particularly shitty day at work today, if he was being honest. Long, sure, but it was whatever. Either way though, he was pretty happy that it was finally the weekend. It wasn't totally unheard of for him to have to work the weekend, but this weekend he'd managed to score both days and the Monday off, so he was pretty pleased with that.

At first glance, he figured that Brad had gone out, since he wasn't in the living room or the kitchenette. Like he'd said, the older man had actually taken to spending the day out and about sometimes rather than staying holed up in the apartment all day while he was at work. He'd caught him coming back one day, and he was still covering himself in a hoodie and jeans - despite the fact that it was well into August by now - but it was at least a step in the right direction. 

After a moment though, he realised that he could hear water running in the bathroom, and since he could see from here that the bathroom door was still open, he figured there was no harm in sticking his head in to say hey to Brad. So he trailed down the hallway, knocking on the back of the door before sticking his head in, "Hey." He said with a small smile, before raising an eyebrow. Brad was dressed in just his black boxers and a light blue dress shirt that was mostly buttoned up, and he was in the middle of shaving. 

"You going out?" He asked. Since he knew it wouldn't be a problem, he didn't try to hide the way his eyes lingered on the toned muscle of Brad's legs while he spoke. Brad had really fantastic legs actually, now that he thought about it. 

Brad glanced at him in the mirror, dragging the razor over the length of his jaw, "Yeah, we're going out." 

"We are?"

Brad turned to look at him then, and he could see the way he swallowed thickly before speaking, "Yeah, I'm taking you out to that nice Italian place down the road. We're going to drink wine with our dinner, I am going to kiss you, and I am going to want to sleep with you once we get back here afterwards." He told him. 

Despite the fact that he was very taken aback by that statement, he couldn't help but notice that Brad looked a little terrified as he spoke - as though he assumed Ray would turn down his big plans for the night. So he just grinned and nodded, putting his hands in his pockets, "Solid copy, Sergeant." 

Brad just nodded, turning back to the mirror to examine his shaving job for a moment, before wiping his face with the towel, "I'm going to finish getting dressed while you shower." He told him as he put his shaving things away, slipping past Ray out into the hallway once he had, "Wear something nice." He added, leaving him to it as he went into the spare room.

He couldn't help but laugh quietly to himself once Brad had shut the door behind him, rolling his eyes. Okay, so going on a fancy fucking date with Brad wasn't exactly how he'd imagined he'd be spending his evening, but he really couldn't say that he had any issues with it. He couldn't help but wonder, as he quickly grabbed underwear and a towel from his room before going back to the bathroom and getting into the shower, if this had something to do with whatever Brad had said the other day that he needed to figure out. He'd never actually gotten a chance to ask him about it again, even though he'd warned him that they weren't finished talking about it. Still, if that was the case, it seemed that Brad had figured his shit out, whatever it might have been. 

Maybe Claire had said something to him that day that she'd brought Emily over, who the fuck knew. Speaking of Claire though, he couldn't help but think that maybe she'd been right about what she'd said to him - fuck the timing. He wanted Brad, and Brad wanted him.. so really, what was the point in waiting? Either way, he was pretty excited for tonight. 

He didn't take too long in the shower, and he quickly brushed his teeth when he got out. For a moment, he looked in the mirror as he decided whether or not to shave, before deciding fuck it and pulling out his shaving stuff. Brad had been rocking the stubble for the last couple of weeks and he'd shaved tonight, so it seemed he was making an extra little bit of effort. Once he'd finished, he went back to his room to try and figure out what to wear. He didn't have many dressy shirts, but he didn't want to look like he was going to either a job interview or a wedding either. So once he'd narrowed it down to two, he went and knocked on the spare room door so that he could get Brad's opinion.

"Hey, dude. Whic- what's wrong?" He asked, frowning as he looked over at him.

Brad was standing in front of the mirror, wrestling with the collar of the shirt he was wearing, which was buttoned all the way up to the top button. That would have been fine, except he looked pissed, and a little like he was about to burst into tears, "I'm.. I can't do this, Ray, I'm sorry." He muttered, giving up on the collar as he sat on the edge of the bed.

He felt a little like he'd had a bucket of ice water thrown on him, and he swallowed as he leaned against the door frame, "What changed your mind?" He asked, doing his best to come across as nonchalant. He didn't get it, only half an hour ago Brad had been telling him what his plan was for tonight - how he was going to try and get in his pants later - he'd spent the last few days flirting and touching him, and now he'd decided that he'd changed his mind and didn't want that anymore. It was fine, he wasn't about to try and force Brad into this, but he just didn't get what had changed in the last thirty minutes.

Brad just looked at him for a moment, before realisation crossed his face, "No, it's not.. fuck. I haven't changed my mind, I still want this."

"Then what's the problem?"

He sighed as he gestured to the shirt that he was wearing, pointedly avoiding Ray's eyes as he did, "It's this fucking thing. It looks ridiculous buttoned all the way up to the top, but it's.. if I don't, then you can see the scars. People will look." 

Oh. 

Fuck, he should've known that it'd be something like that. Like he'd said, Brad had been getting better about spending the day out and about, but he was still doing everything he could to cover himself up. Even around the house, he'd been strategically changing whenever Ray wasn't in the room - thinking about it, the last time he'd actually seen Brad shirtless had been in the hospital. 

He sighed as he sat on the edge of the bed next to him, gently knocking his shoulder against his, "The scars aren't something you should be ashamed of, Brad." He murmured. He just, it broke his heart a little to know that he was so self-conscious about the scars. Before all this had happened, Brad had been proud of his body, and he hadn't been wary of showing it off. Now it seemed like he could barely stand to look at himself in the mirror. 

"They're fucking ugly, Ray. They're a reminder of what happened." 

"They're proof that you survived what happened." He told him, giving him a small smile when he eventually caught his eye, "Brad, you're so strong and so beautiful, and the scars don't change that." 

Brad just looked at him for a moment, before leaning over to press his mouth to Ray's. 

Okay, not exactly what he'd expected, but he certainly wasn't about to complain. He pressed his palm to Brad's cheek as he kissed him back, a tiny noise slipping out as he parted his lips to the glide of Brad's tongue. For a moment, that's all it was, until Brad dropped his hands to his hips and gently pulled at him. He went with it easily, letting himself be pulled closer to him, and dropping a leg over both of Brad's so that he was straddling his lap. Fuck, Brad's mouth was warm and wet, and his arms were wrapped tight around his waist as he continued to kiss him. He barely even realised that they were moving until his back hit the bed underneath him and he had Brad over him, his legs still wrapped around his waist because of the way they'd been sat before. 

For a moment, all he could think of was how good Brad's weight felt on top of him, and he moaned softly as Brad broke the kiss so that he could trail his mouth down his neck instead, nipping gently at the skin, "Fuck, what's it going to take to get you naked right now?" He asked, his breath huffing gently against the junction of where his neck met his shoulder. 

Even though Brad's words sent a jolt of want through him, he moved his hands to his chest so that he could push him away slightly, "I thought the plan was to wine and dine me first?" He asked with a slight grin, looking up at him. 

Brad's cheeks were flushed, but he didn't miss the way his face fell slightly as he turned it away from him, "Ray, I tol-" 

"I know, but I have an idea." He said with a small smile, cupping Brad's face in his hands to make him look at him again, "Can you make yourself scarce for like.. an hour? I'll go down to the store and buy us some wine, and then I'll cook us something fancy and Italian, and we can do this right here?" He suggested with a smile. Well yeah, they didn't have to go out if Brad wasn't comfortable, they could still get dressed up and have a nice meal right here, "I'll even let you walk me to my room later, like a proper date?"

"You've been cooking all day, let m-" 

"Yeah, but sweetheart.. I'm really sorry to tell you, but your cooking kind of sucks." He told him, and he couldn't quite hold back his grin.

Brad looked suitably affronted, and he rolled his eyes, "It's not that bad."

"It kind of is. It's okay, you're lucky you're pretty." He teased with a grin, leaning up to press another quick kiss to his lips before pushing lightly at his chest again, "I mean it. Go away for an hour, and I'll have something ready when you get back." He told him. 

For a moment, Brad just looked at him, before nodding and rolling to the side off of Ray. He sat up a moment after Brad had, turning to him to unbutton the first couple of buttons on the older man's collar, "It's just the two of us, and you know I don't mind." He said with a small smile. Well yeah, he hoped Brad would be a little more comfortable if he wasn't being strangled by his shirt collar.

"Fine, I'll see you in an hour." 

He left him to it then, going back into his own room to pull on a t-shirt and a pair of jeans in the mean time. He'd put on something nicer when he got back, this would do for now. While he was in the middle of changing, he heard the front door shutting, and he glanced down at his watch. Right, he had an hour to get this shit sorted. A quick look in his cupboards and fridge told him that he pretty much had everything he needed to make carbonara, and so he figured he'd just get them some wine at the store. He grabbed his keys and his wallet before heading out, figuring he'd just go down to the small grocery store across the road. 

"Hey, Mac." He called to the cashier when he got in, getting a wave and a smile from the other man. He knew him pretty well at this point, considering he did half of his shopping in this dingy little store. It wasn't anywhere near as big as Walmart, but he could at least manage to do his food shopping here.

He grabbed two bottles of white wine, plus the last few ingredients that he hadn't had in the cupboard. Desserts weren't exactly his area of expertise, so he figured strawberries and cream was good enough - that was sexy enough for a date, right? Plus, he'd told Brad to be back in an hour, he didn't exactly have the time for something more elaborate than that. After a quick roam around the store, he decided to just bite the fucking bullet and grab a packet of condoms and a bottle of lube. He didn't feel like he was being too presumptuous in buying them, considering Brad had outright told him that he wanted to sleep with him at the end of the night. Whatever, he was just being prepared. 

He dug his wallet out of his back pocket while Mac rung up the shopping, and he glanced up when he heard him laughing under his breath, "Somebody got a hot date tonight?" He asked with a grin, nodding down at his items - which, he supposed consisted of wine, strawberries and cream, and condoms. It was a little obvious. 

"Dude, the hottest, you have no idea." He said with a grin as he handed the cash over. 

"Alright, well, good luck." Mac teased, reaching over the counter to give him a fist bump. 

He went back to the apartment once he had finished in the store, getting straight to work on making the carbonara. It didn't take him long, he pretty much knew this recipe off the back of his hand by now. While that was cooking, he ducked into his room to get changed, finally settling on the slate grey shirt he'd picked out earlier as well as a pair of black jeans. Once he'd done that, he just took a minute to do his hair and spray on some aftershave. He knew that they were only going to be sitting in the kitchen, but whatever, he was looking forward to making a proper night out of this. Brad had been through so much shit lately, he deserved something nice like this. 

He'd just finished plating their dinner and tidying up the kitchen when Brad came back, and he noticed the way he smiled as he glanced around the kitchen, "This looks nice." He said with a small smile. Well yeah, he'd tidied up a little and had set the table properly, lighting a couple of candles around. Maybe it was totally fucking cheesy, but he'd felt like making tonight cheesy and romantic. 

"Let me just change, and I'll be out." Brad told him, before disappearing into the spare room. 

Well yeah, he'd noticed that he'd changed out of the shirt he'd been wearing earlier, and so he just busied himself with pouring them both a glass of wine before Brad emerged from the spare room. He was wearing that same blue shirt that he'd been wearing earlier, although he had obviously taken Ray's advice and had left the first couple of buttons open at the collar. He'd paired it with a pair of dark wash jeans, and he'd rolled the sleeves up to his elbows, and so he didn't even feel bad about the way he leered at him for a moment, "Looking good, Sergeant." He said with a grin. 

"Shut up, Ray." Brad said with a grin, just rolling his eyes. 

"I mean it, you look great." He told him, passing him the glass of wine. If he was being honest, he really hadn't drank that much ever since he'd gone through that really shitty phase before he'd gotten the news that Brad was alive. He'd been drinking to cope for those first few weeks, and so once he'd managed to kick the habit, he hadn't really gone back to it. It was fine though, it wasn't like he was going to go crazy tonight, it was just a couple of glasses of wine. Besides, he hadn't exactly told Brad about that - he'd told him that those few weeks had been really hard, but he hadn't exactly told him how hard. Whatever, he wasn't thinking about that tonight. 

"So, what'd you do today?" He asked as they sat down, once he'd given Brad his plate over. He was pretty glad with how it had all come together actually, he knew the food was good, and Brad seemed a lot more relaxed ever since they had agreed to stay in. Obviously he wasn't going to put him in a situation where he was just uncomfortable the entire night. 

"Not a lot." Brad admitted with a slight smile, "Mostly I sat on the couch and pretended to watch movies while I debated with myself on whether to do this or not." 

Well yeah, he got that, he probably would have been the same if their situations had been the other way around, "So what made the choice for you?" He asked. 

Brad looked thoughtful for a moment before shrugging, "I just thought, what are we waiting for? I want you, and you want me, and maybe we're not ready, but so what? That doesn't mean that this has to go down in flames, surely we could work on things, right?" 

He looked a little bit nervous as he spoke, and Ray couldn't help but smile as he hooked his ankle around Brad's underneath the table, "Yeah, exactly." He murmured, giving him a small smile. Well yeah, he supposed that was true. They didn't have to just end this and never speak to each other again if they ran into problems along the way. He'd been so worried about the idea of losing his best friend, that he hadn't stopped to think about the fact that Brad was his best friend, if that made any sense. They'd stuck together through all of the shit that they'd been through and they hadn't come out the other side of it hating each other. So yeah, fuck it, what the fuck were they waiting for?

Brad just smiled at him, before groaning as he looked down at the plate of pasta in front of him, "This is really good." He told him, pointing down at it with his fork, "When the fuck did you get the time to go to culinary school?" 

"I didn't." He shrugged, smiling at Brad's slightly perplexed look, "I was stuck for a job after I left the Corps, and I know the owner so I figured I'd shoot my shot and ask for a job. He told me he'd hook me up as long as I wasn't totally shit, and I guess I was good enough that he didn't feel the need to fire me." He explained with a shrug. Well yeah, he'd learned a lot since then too, so he was pretty sure he was safe with the job by now. 

"Ah, nepotism at its finest." Brad said with a nod, before giving him a teasing smile. 

"Dude, you know it. I was thinking of going to school though." He shrugged, "I mean, the kitchen is great, but I'm constantly stressed up to my fucking teeth with the place, y'know? I thought I'd maybe apply for culinary school, see where it got me." 

"You should. I mean, you're obviously talented as it is." He told him, gesturing down to the plate of carbonara again.

"Who the fuck are you, and what have you done with the Iceman?" He asked with a grin. It was rare that Brad was so open with his compliments, he was half expecting him to call him a goat fucking retard any moment. Still, he couldn't deny that he was actually pretty fond of this softer side of Brad.

"Shut the fuck up, Ray. You're still a fucking cretin." 

"There he is." He said with a smile, sticking his tongue out at Brad when he flipped him off. 

It was nice actually, to just sit and talk to Brad like this over dinner. It wasn't like they'd never eaten together before, it was a pretty common occurrence actually, it was just.. this was definitely different. He knew that it was just the fact that they'd meant for this to be a date. He was definitely enjoying himself though, and he could see that Brad was too. He seemed more.. relaxed, or something. More at ease. It was definitely a relief to see, especially when he'd seen him looking like he was on the verge of tears of frustration earlier. Like he'd told him though, the scars didn't matter to him at all. He loved Brad, and he was pretty sure he'd still love him even if he'd lost both arms and legs - he was just happy to have him back alive. 

For a while they just talked, the conversation light and meaningless. He told him about the fact that Walt had asked him to be his baby's godfather, and Brad speculated on when Nate and his girlfriend were eventually going to tie the knot - he'd finally proposed to her, but they still hadn't set a date. 

"Y'know." Brad eventually started, a wry grin pulling at his lips, "I think my mother was a little devastated when she found out you were seeing Andy." He pointed out. 

He huffed under his breath, smiling as he rolled his eyes, "Yeah, I think she had already decided that I was her son-in-law." He admitted with a small smile. Well yeah, he'd gotten that impression anyway. Obviously he'd started seeing Andy between the time that he'd first been to California to see them and when he'd gone back once they'd found Brad alive. He hadn't mentioned that to Vera though, mainly because he'd had more important things on his mind. He guessed that Brad had probably told her though, when he was at their house while he and Megan sorted out Brad's place. 

"I'm glad they had you before they found me. I think.. I think having you there helped her a lot." 

He nodded, biting his lip gently, "They helped me too." He murmured with a shrug, "I mean, I only came out to see them the one time before they found you, but we spoke on the phone, like.. a lot. I don't know, I was in a really shitty place, and I know my family wanted to help, but they didn't really get it. Your family did." He murmured, shrugging again. That was it really, he wasn't about to say that he and Brad's family had gone through the same kind of pain, because he couldn't imagine how hard it must have been for Brad's parents to go through losing a child, but he knew that they had understood how he'd felt about losing him.

Brad just looked at him for a moment, something in his expression that Ray couldn't quite make out. He didn't say much about it though, he just hummed quietly before hooking his ankle around Ray's again. 

"How bad was it?" He eventually asked, glancing up at Ray. 

"Bad." He told him honestly. Yeah, it hadn't exactly been easy, and he wasn't about to pretend and say that everything had been fine. He didn't want to bring down the mood of the night either though, so he just smiled and shrugged a little, "Nate crashed here for a couple days though, and then I went to see your mom and dad, so I was never left alone too long." He said with a small smile. 

He waited until Brad returned his smile with one of his own before sliding his foot a little further up the other man's calf, "You want dessert?" He asked. He knew that it was good for them to talk about these things, but it wasn't the sort of conversation he wanted to have tonight. He didn't want them to end up spoiling the night by talking about this shit.

"Sure." Brad said with a small smile, and so he just dragged his foot the length of his calf again before standing up. 

He took both their empty plates, dumping them into the sink - to deal with later - before getting the strawberries and cream from the fridge. Dessert wasn't much, but he figured that it was better than having nothing. He was in the middle of spooning cream onto the strawberries, when he felt Brad's hands press against his hips from behind, "Do you mind?" He asked with a grin, leaning back into his touch a little.

"Not at all." Brad murmured, ducking his head down to press his mouth to Ray's neck while he pressed up against him.

For a moment he just closed his eyes, sighing softly at the feeling of Brad dragging his lips along his neck. He leaned back into the touch as Brad pulled his shirt out from where it was tucked into his jeans so that he could press his fingers to bare skin, "You're really trying to sabotage this date, aren't you?" He asked with a grin, turning around in Brad's arms so that he was facing him instead. 

"Maybe a little, is it working?"

"Maybe a little." He admitted with a grin. He reached back to pluck one of the smaller strawberries from the bowl, dipping it into the cream before holding it out to Brad, who leaned forward slightly to bite into it. He still had that somewhat sly grin on his lips as he did though, and he was at least ninety percent sure that he had deliberately bit into the strawberry in a way that left a little cream smeared at the corner of his mouth. Goddamn it, he'd tried so hard to at least pretend that he had any self control at all, but he really couldn't resist ducking forward so that he could swipe the cream from Brad's mouth with his own tongue.

Brad ducked back from him before he could though, grin still in place as he stepped back out of Ray's space, "I thought we were having dessert?" He asked, feigning innocence as he wiped the cream away with a thumb. 

"You're an asshole, honestly. Sit down, and shut the fuck up." He said with a grin as he turned back to what he'd been doing. He heard Brad quietly laugh under his breath at him, before the sound of the chair scraping on the floor told him that he'd done what he was told. Whatever, the asshole knew exactly what he was doing. 

They managed to get through dessert without any more distractions, although he was pretty sure it wasn't for lack of trying on Brad's part. He'd never imagined that the older man would be as into playing footsie under the table as he was, but obviously he'd thought wrong, considering the toe of Brad's shoe was currently making it's way along the inside of his thigh. It didn't help either that he seemed to have perfected the whole fucking seductive eye contact thing - he was pretty sure this was the definition of eye fucking, as Brad held his gaze while he licked the cream from his spoon.

Eventually they finished up, and he dumped their bowls back into the sink. Like he'd said earlier, they could wait until tomorrow morning before cleaning up the kitchen - Brad had been driving him crazy for the last twenty minutes, and so washing the dishes was literally the last thing on his mind right now. 

When he turned back to Brad, he was sort of lingering next to the table, and so he just held a hand out to him as he approached him, which Brad took, "You wanna walk me to my room, Sergeant?" He asked with a slight grin. It was probably a little stupid, but if they'd been out at a restaurant for the evening and if they'd been staying at separate places, he would have let Brad walk him home and then invited him in afterwards - it was the principle really. 

He walked down the hall with Brad, stopping just outside his bedroom door and leaning back against the wall of the hallway, "Did you have a good time tonight?" He asked. 

"Yeah, it was nice." Brad said with a small smile, "I know it probably would've been better if we'd gone out, but I had fun anyway."

"Brad, shut up. I had just as much fun here as I would have if we'd gone out. Besides, staying in just means I get to do this sooner." He said with a grin, before reaching up to cup Brad's face between his hands and pulling him down to press their lips together. 

Brad didn't waste any time in kissing him back, dropping his own hands to Ray's hips and pulling him tight against him. With one hand, he reached behind him to open the door, walking backwards into the room with Brad, who kicked the door shut behind them once they were inside. Before he had a moment to think about it, he found himself pressed back against the wall with Brad towering over him, and he leaned up to haul him back into another kiss. He parted his lips to Brad's tongue, whining low in his throat at the way Brad's tongue fucked into his mouth. 

With the way he was pressed back against the wall, Brad's thigh was pressed forward between both of his, and his breath hitched as he rocked forward onto it. Fuck.. he'd already come to terms with the fact that Brad had fucking great legs, and so he was pretty sure he'd have no problem trying to come just from grinding down on the hard muscle between his legs. 

Brad broke the kiss after a moment, trailing his mouth down over the curve of his jaw instead, "Are you going get naked for me now?" He asked, tracing his tongue around the shell of his ear. 

"Get on the bed, Brad." 

Brad just huffed in amusement, his grin sharp as he leaned back slightly from Ray, "That an order, Corporal?" 

He rolled his eyes in response, pushing lightly at Brad's chest, "Do what you're fucking told. God, when did you become such a fucking brat?" He mused, although he couldn't quite keep the grin off his own face either. 

Thankfully, Brad did what he was told. He backed towards the bed, pulling Ray with him by the belt loops of his jeans. Once the older man's calves had hit the edge of the bed, he wasted no time in pushing him down onto it, following him down. It was easy to straddle Brad's thighs, leaning down to press another hard kiss to his lips, "You've got no idea how long I've wanted this." He murmured as he gently nipped at Brad's lower lip, rocking his hips down against his again.

Brad just moaned in response as he thrust his own hips up against Ray's, his hands finding his hips and pulling him down against him, "Probably about as long as I have." 

Fuck. He knew that. He couldn't help but think of the desperate way Brad had clung to him in Iraq all those months ago, the way he'd felt him shaking against him, the way he'd held his breath at the realisation that Brad was maybe about to kiss him. That was when he'd guessed that his feelings for the older man weren't quite as one-sided as he'd first thought - and that had been nearly a year and a half ago. How the fuck had it taken them this long to get here? A soft moan slipped out in response, and he reached down to fumble at Brad's belt, "We're here now." 

It felt a little like the urgency had kicked up after that, and they both fumbled with belts and zippers until they pulled each other out of their clothes. Soon enough, he was clad in nothing but his boxers, and Brad was the same except for his shirt. When he reached up to undo the buttons of Brad's shirt though, he stopped him with his hands on his wrists, "What's wrong?" He asked, leaning back slightly from where he'd been trailing his mouth over Brad's jawline. He didn't like to consider the fact that maybe the older man had changed his mind again - mostly because he was hard enough by now that he was pretty sure he could hammer nails - but if that was the case, he could just go take a cold shower or something. 

"Nothing, it's just.." Brad trailed off as he gestured towards his own torso, with an embarrassed roll of his eyes, "Y'know." He murmured with a shrug. 

Right. He got it. The scars. 

"Brad, you know they don't bother me, right?" He asked, biting his lip gently. Well yeah, he'd meant what he said earlier, the scars didn't change the way he saw Brad in the slightest. Obviously if he was really self-conscious about them, he wouldn't argue if he wanted to keep his shirt on, or if he didn't want to do this at all.

Brad just looked up at him for a moment before nodding hesitantly, his eyes flicking away slightly. 

"Can I?" He asked, reaching for the button that he'd left off at. He waited for Brad's slightly hesitant nod again before getting back to the task at hand, undoing each of the buttons until he could slide the shirt down over Brad's shoulders and pull it off. He could see that he was flushed in embarrassment though, and he couldn't help but notice too the way that Brad's erection had flagged slightly. He didn't let that deter him though, and he swallowed as he looked down at Brad. It seemed that he was just naturally tanned, and while he wasn't quite as built as he remembered him being, he had gained back a fair bit of mass since he'd first seen him looking so unhealthily thin back in the hospital. He still had abs though, and he couldn't help but think how fucking unfair that was - when Brad obviously hadn't been working out much lately. He sighed as he looked at the scars though, reaching down to gently trace his fingers along one of them. They were similar to the mass of scars on Brad's throat, and they extended down the left side of his body, from around his shoulder, down over the left side of his ribs, and he could see from here how they curled around his back too down towards his hip - his tattoo was probably a little bit ruined towards the bottom of it. 

When he glanced back up at Brad, he sighed at the way he was deliberately avoiding his gaze, "You're beautiful, Brad." He murmured, before ducking his head down to press his mouth to bare skin. He trailed his mouth down over the ball of Brad's shoulder, feeling the knotted scar tissue under his tongue. From there, he continued his trail down over Brad's chest, closing his lips around a nipple while his fingers found the other one. He was relieved to hear the way the older man's breath caught in his throat as he laved his tongue over his nipple, "Is this okay?" He asked, glancing up at Brad as he made his way lower. 

"Yeah, fuck." Brad sighed, his fingers gently scratching through Ray's hair. He was still flushed, but he didn't seem to be as embarrassed as he had been at first. 

So he just continued on down, trailing his mouth gently along the rough scar tissue of Brad's torso. It wasn't like he was trying to prove anything to him, the scars honestly didn't bother him, and he just wanted Brad to see that - to see past the scars. Eventually he reached his hipbone, and he hummed as he grazed his teeth against the bone - which still stood out maybe a little sharper than he would have liked, but how and ever, "Can I blow you?" He asked, glancing up at Brad from where he was, as he curled his fingers around the shape of Brad's cock over his boxers. He was relieved to see that his hard-on had come back to life, considering he'd noticed that it had flagged a little when he'd first tried taking Brad's shirt off. He hated to think that Brad might not have been into this, that he was only going through with it for his sake.

"Yeah, I want.." Brad murmured, sliding his hand down around the curve of his jaw rather than staying knotted in his hair. 

"What d'you want?" 

"I want you to blow me. Then I want to turn you over and open you up with my tongue and my fingers, and then I want to fuck you until you don't remember your own name." 

He grinned as he listened to Brad, pushing up on all fours so that he could slide his body against the older man's as he made his way back up to him, "I can get on board with that idea." He pointed out with a smirk. Well, he hadn't exactly been expecting Brad to be as outright with what he wanted. Ever since they'd started undressing each other, he'd been acting somewhat tentative with him, so he just hadn't been expecting the bluntness. Not that he was complaining, mind. He leant down to press another hard kiss to his lips before sliding back down the bed. He didn't take his time this time though, he just crawled back down to where he'd been a moment ago, before hooking his fingers into the waistline of Brad's boxers. When he didn't make any indication that he wanted him to stop, he pulled them down and off, tossing them over the edge of the bed as Brad dropped his legs back around his hips. 

Fuck, how long had he genuinely wanted this? How long had he wanted Brad spread out underneath him, naked? Way too long anyway, he thought, as he wrapped a hand around Brad's cock. He'd imagined this scenario way too many times, and the reality certainly didn't disappoint - Brad's cock was long and hard, curving up towards his stomach. Slowly, he started jerking it, glancing up at Brad to gauge his reaction as he did. The older man had his hands twisted in the sheets, looking down at Ray with slightly hooded eyes that told him just how turned on he was. 

After a moment of this, he leaned down to close his mouth around the head of his cock, inwardly delighting at the sharp gasp Brad let out as he did, "Fuck, Ray.." He gritted out, pressing his head back into the pillow as he slowly sunk down on his cock until he was pretty sure he'd gotten as far as he could. Pulling back slightly, he wrapped his hand around the base of Brad's cock, sucking hard at the head for a moment before sinking back down. 

He continued on like that, keeping his fingers wrapped around what he couldn't fit into his mouth while he bobbed his head up and down. He could feel how Brad was tensing up further and further while he did, and he really couldn't resist reaching up with his free hand to trail his fingers over the taut muscles of Brad's abdomen. If he was being honest, the noises that Brad was making were more than doing it for him - he was pretty sure he could spend all day listening to the way he gasped and moaned. 

Eventually though, Brad's fingers twisted in his hair to get his attention, and he glanced up at him from where he was, "Stop, Ray.. I'm, fuck. Stop." 

He grinned as he made his way back up to him, leaning down to press their lips together, "Too much?"

"I just don't want to come before I've had a chance to fuck you." Brad murmured, leaning up into the kiss for a moment before rolling them over so that he had Ray underneath him, "Turn over." 

He did what he was told, kicking his boxers off before turning over so that he was on his stomach. Brad covered him with his own body, nipping gently at the back of his shoulder, before he found himself roughly pulled back onto his hands and knees. Not that he was complaining in the slightest though - Brad was like a fucking viking, it was only natural that he might have fantasised a time or two about being manhandled by him. 

Brad moved his hands to his hips, holding him steady as he swiped his tongue warm and wet over his hole, "Fuck.. Brad." He gasped, dropping his head down to hang while Brad continued to fuck him with his tongue. Not that he'd never had this done to him before, but he couldn't deny how fucking intense it felt - as the older man switched from flat broad swipes of his tongue, to breaching him with his tongue pointed. By the time he pressed a lubed finger into him alongside his tongue, he was shaking and moaning under his touch. 

"Gonna stretch you until you can take my cock." Brad breathed as he worked his finger into him, moving up slightly so that he could trail his mouth along the line of Ray's spine as he did. He didn't waste too much time in stretching him, but he didn't rush through it either - adding a second and third finger once he was sure that Ray could take it. Honestly? He probably would have been happy with two fingers, considering Brad's hands were fucking huge. Then again though, so was his cock, so he supposed it was probably better that they did this right. 

Eventually he pulled his fingers out, moving his hands to Ray's hips again as he pressed his mouth back to the line of his spine, "Are you ready for me?"

"Yeah, Brad. Shit.." He whined, biting his lip as he pressed back into his touch. Fuck, he'd been ready ever since they'd stumbled back into his bedroom, "Like this?" He asked, glancing back at him over his shoulder. 

Brad looked at him for a moment, seemingly considering, before shaking his head, "No, like this." He told him. He managed to manoeuvre them around so that he was lying on his side, with Brad spooned up behind him, "Is this okay?"

"Course it's fucking okay." He told him. Well yeah, despite the fact that they weren't facing each other, it still felt pretty fucking intimate with the way Brad was spooned up behind him. He smiled as Brad took him by the chin to turn him back towards him slightly, before pressing their lips together. While they kissed, Brad reached over him to grab the box of condoms he'd bought earlier, pulling one out. 

"Last chance to back out?" He murmured against his lips as he tore the condom out of its foil packaging. 

"Homes, shut up. I've been waiting for this for like three years." He told him with a grin. 

Brad just grinned and rolled his eyes, pressing another quick kiss to his lips before leaning back slightly so that he could roll the condom down onto his cock. Once he'd done that, he pushed at Ray's knee to get him to draw it up. He went easily with it, shifting a little as he drew his knee up towards him to give Brad some room. After a moment, he felt the blunt head of Brad's cock pressing against him, and they both groaned as he pressed forward, breaching him. Fuck. Obviously he'd noticed that his cock was huge, but he hadn't anticipated how much of a stretch it would actually be once it was inside him.

"God, Ray.. you feel so good." Brad breathed against his neck, groaning low in his throat as he slowly worked his cock in. 

Eventually, Brad's hips were flush with his ass, and they both stilled for a moment to let him get used to the feeling. 

"Fucking hell, Brad."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah.. has anyone ever told you that your cock is fucking huge?" 

Brad just laughed softly, taking him by the chin and turning him back slightly so that he could kiss him again. While he was distracted by the feeling of the older man's tongue in his mouth, Brad took the opportunity to pull back slightly before thrusting back in, drawing a moan from both of them.

Fuck.. with the position that they were in, he could feel Brad everywhere - pressed up against him from behind, his cock deep inside him, leaning slightly over him so that he didn't have to twist too far back to kiss him. Once Brad had started moving, it didn't take them too long to build up a rhythm. He kept his knee pulled up towards him while Brad held onto his hip to give himself some leverage. He moved his own hand down to cover Brad's on his hip though, sliding his fingers between the older man's while he fucked into him. 

He was still leaning over him to reach his mouth, but after a while they were more panting into each other's mouths than actually kissing, their faces still pressed close together, "Fuck, Brad, I can't.. you're gonna kill me." He gasped, a harsh moan slipping out when Brad gave a particularly hard thrust. 

"You're so tight, Ray." He murmured, his mouth pressed to the tender skin underneath his ear, "So fucking hot."

He really didn't know how long they went on like this for, but he was pretty sure it wasn't that long before Brad had dragged him right to the edge. It didn't help that with the angle he was fucking him at, that he was hitting that spot inside him that sent sparks up his spine with every thrust, "Shit, I'm so close.. Fuck, right there, Brad." He whined, reaching back so that he could grab a hold of Brad's thigh and pull him tight against him, and that was when Brad let go of his hip so that he could reach around and wrap his fingers around his cock, jerking him off in time with his thrusts. 

A couple of pulls was all it took before he was arching back against Brad as he came, and he was pretty sure he knocked the back of his head back against Brad's forehead as he jerked, but he wasn't totally sure, considering his vision was whiting out. A couple of more harsh thrusts was all it took for Brad, and he vaguely registered the ragged groan he let out as he thrusted hard into him one more time before shuddering and panting, relaxing back against him after a moment. 

For a moment, neither of them moved, and he closed his eyes as he ran a shaky hand through his hair, "Jesus.." He murmured. 

Brad eventually mustered the strength to move, and he pulled out before disposing of the condom. Once he'd laid back down, he turned back over onto his back so that he could see him. The older man was still a little glassy-eyed, and his tanned skin had that flush to it - he looked thoroughly fucked, actually. "Well, shit, Sergeant. Thank you for your service, honestly." He teased with a grin, throwing up a mock salute to him. 

Brad just laughed and rolled his eyes, reaching over to gently slap the back of his hand against Ray's chest - which he caught, tangling their fingers together, "Shut up, Ray. You're a retard." He groused, although he was smiling. 

"Ordinarily.. yeah, whatever, fuck you. But right now it's totally your fault, considering you just fucked my brains out." 

"I did, didn't I?"

Ray laughed, turning over onto his stomach again so that he could fold his arms over Brad's chest, "Look at you, all smug and shit." He teased with a grin, looking down at him. Well yeah, Brad was wearing a self-satisfied expression - and he really couldn't blame him for it either, he'd done a hell of a job at fucking him stupid. 

He leaned down to press their lips together in a kiss, feeling Brad's hand coming up to tangle in his hair as he kissed him back, "I love you." He murmured against his lips. 

Brad pulled back slightly from the kiss, just to smile as he brushed his nose against Ray's, "I love you too."

He settled back down against Brad's chest then, humming as he tucked his head underneath his chin. Yeah, fuck, it felt like he'd been waiting for that forever, and now that he'd gotten what he wanted, he was pretty sure he'd never want to let it go. 

"Hey." He murmured with a grin after a couple minutes of silence, where Brad gently trailed his fingers up and down the length of his spine, "Round two?"

"Yeah, give me ten minutes."

  
-x-

  
When he woke up the next morning, the first thing he noticed was that he was warm and comfortable, and that the room was still dark enough that he was pretty sure it was still early morning.

The second thing he noticed, was that he could feel the warmth from Brad's body heat right behind him.

He turned around, smiling as he looked across at Brad. He was faced away from him, but judging from his slow breathing, he guessed that he was still fast asleep. The sheets had pooled down around his waist during the night, and so from here, he had an unobstructed view of the wide planes of Brad's bare back and the tattoo covering the lower half of it. Objectively, the tattoo was ugly as fuck, and he'd told Brad that more than once - not that his own were much better, mind - but he had to admit that it actually suited the older man and his goddamn warrior spirit. He smiled as he reached over and gently traced his fingers along the lines of the tattoo, up along the figure of the woman before back down and off to the side. As he'd expected, the lower left hand side of the tattoo had been a little ruined by the scar tissue, but it was nothing major - he was pretty sure a single top up was all that would be needed to fix it.

Brad stirred after a moment, groaning quietly as he stretched slightly, "What're you doing?" He asked, his smile soft as he looked back over his shoulder at Ray. 

"Groping you. You know I can't keep my hands to myself." He teased with a small smile. 

Brad smiled and huffed softly, before turning around so that he could face Ray instead, "Hey." He murmured with a small smile. He'd pulled the sheets back up around himself, but he still reached over to drop his arm around Ray's waist and coax him over closer to him.

He smiled as he wrapped his own arm around Brad's neck, leaning in to kiss him. It was nice to just lie here with him, wrapped up in each other as he kissed him awake. It felt a little like that morning before Claire had come over, when Brad had kissed him. That was when he'd still been insisting that they shouldn't do this though - they hadn't been naked that time, and they certainly hadn't slept together the night before. 

Speaking of which, last night had been.. shit, he'd only been waiting for that for what felt like forever. After that first time - which had been pretty fucking intense - they'd had sex again once they'd had a few minutes to recover. Instead of the same position though, he'd pressed Brad down into the mattress and straddled his hips so that he could ride his cock. Brad had sat up with his back against the headboard, and so they'd just held each other close while they'd moved together, slowly dragging each other closer and closer to the edge. Fuck, he wanted to have sex with Brad every day for the rest of his life. He was sore in all the right places, but fuck, it was worth it. 

He pulled back after a moment, smiling as Brad another kiss to the corner of his mouth and then his chin, "I stand by the fact that 'Iceman' is the most fucking ridiculous nickname you could've been given." He teased with a smile, running his fingers through Brad's hair.

"I am the Iceman." 

"You're a puppy dog." 

Brad just smiled, closing his eyes as he turned back over onto his back. He managed to slide his other arm underneath Ray as he did though, so that he could wrap it around his shoulders, "Go back to sleep, Ray. It's early." He told him. 

A quick glance at the clock told him that Brad was right, that it was only shortly after six in the morning. Yeah, fuck it, wasn't working today so he could sleep for another few hours.

So he just tucked his head underneath Brad's chin, dropping his arm back around his waist. Their legs were still tangled together underneath the sheets, and for a moment, Brad just trailed his fingers gently along the line of his shoulder, where his arm was draped around. From where he had his head pillowed on Brad's chest, he could hear his heart beating in his chest, and fuck.. all of a sudden, he could feel the emotion bubbling up inside him. Shit, he knew it was stupid, but he'd suddenly just been hit by the fact that they were here, that they were lying curled up together in his bed. After everything that they had both gone through in the last couple of months, all the shit and the heartbreak and the trauma.. they were still fucking here. He sniffled quietly, trying his best to subtly wipe at his eyes with the hand that was curled between them. 

"Hey, so I-" Brad started, before stopping, turning his head down in his direction, "Are you crying?"

"No." He mumbled, although even he could hear how thick his voice sounded.

Brad moved back a little then so that he could turn to face him, propping himself up on an elbow, "Hey, what's wrong?" He asked. He hated that he could see the look of concern on his face, fuck; he hated that he'd caught him crying at all, because it was fucking stupid. 

"It's nothing." He told him, pushing himself up into a sitting position so that he could scrub roughly at his eyes. He sighed as he sat at the edge of the bed, putting his head in his hands. 

After a moment, he felt Brad gently touch his hip, "It's obviously not nothing, Ray. Talk to me." 

"It's just.." He started, before scoffing and shaking his head, "You're here. And I just.. I was at your fucking funeral, Brad. When you left for England, I spent the whole fucking year deciding that I was going to ask you out for a drink when you got back, I was going to see if this thing between us could actually go anywhere. Then Mike called and said you'd been killed, and my whole fucking world came crashing down. I was at your funeral, I had to listen to your sister give her eulogy, I had to try and not drink myself to death every time I remembered that you were dead. Those were the worst six months of my life, and I spent them thinking that we'd lost our chance. And I hated that I fucking knew it was mutual, that it wasn't just me who felt it, and that we still didn't get our chance." He explained, taking a shaky deep breath as he rubbed at his eyes again, "And now you're here. I keep waking up thinking that it was some sort of cruel dream and that you'd still be dead. And yet somehow you're here, in my bed, and it's.. you've got no idea how badly I've wanted this, how much I've always wanted it." 

Brad slid over so that he was behind him, wrapping an arm around his waist as he rested his chin on his shoulder, "I wanted this too, I always did." He said softly, "Everyone has spent the last few weeks worried about me, but I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to go through that. If it was the other way around.. I couldn't." 

He sighed as he leaned into the touch, closing his eyes as Brad shifted around a little so that he could properly wrap him in a hug from behind. It was a little stupid maybe, that he'd end up in tears over it, but it did feel a little like this was all some cruel joke, and yet; every day when he woke up, Brad was there, "I'm sorry." He murmured, wiping at his eyes again.

"Stop that." Brad told him, pressing a kiss to his temple, "Come on. Lie back down, it's too early to get up." 

He had to suppress a small smile at that, rubbing at his eyes again, "All this time off is ruining you, Sergeant." He teased with a smile. Well yeah, he remembered a time when Brad would insist that eight in the morning was the absolute latest that was acceptable to sleep in. He had no complaints about this though, he was more than happy to curl back up with him and just spend the day snoozing. 

"Would you rather I spent all my time working?"

"No, shut up." He said with a small smile. He let Brad pull him back down, and he dropped his arm back around his waist as he curled close to him, "I'm sorry for getting all weepy."

"Ray, how many times do I have to tell you to stop apologising?" 

"Fine, whatever." He groused, although he was smiling as he glanced up at him. They settled back down after that, and he brushed his nose gently against the skin of Brad's throat. The older man went back to trailing his fingers gently along the curve of his shoulder, and fuck.. he never wanted to move from here, "Hey, can I ask you something?" He asked, glancing up at him as he propped himself up on his elbows so that he could look down at him. 

"Sure." Brad nodded, folding an arm behind his head. He looked warm and relaxed like this, and this was a side to him that he wanted to see all the time.

"It's kinda personal, so you don't have to answer if you don't want." 

"Ray, spit it out." 

"Fine." He muttered, rolling his eyes, "What, uh.. what happened with you and Katie?" He asked. Well yeah, he'd met Brad in Afghanistan and they'd already been broken up by then. He'd gotten the general gist of it - that she'd left him and married his best friend instead - but that was really all Brad had told him.

Brad looked pensive at the question, a slight frown tugging at his face - and he had a moment of thinking that he'd definitely overstepped - before he just shrugged, "I think it started going downhill when I joined the Corps. I was away a lot with training and BRC. She didn't leave for another six years after that though, so I don't know if she and Tommy had been sleeping together that whole time - I never asked." He explained with a shrug. 

Fuck, if Brad had joined the Corps back in '95, and Katie hadn't left him for another six years after that, he was pretty sure that meant that she'd left him just before they'd been deployed to Afghanistan. Shit, as if Brad hadn't had enough on his plate with being a newly promoted Sergeant with a team to deal with, it turned out he'd also been nursing a heartbreak. Not that he would have guessed, he'd had the Iceman persona already perfected by then. 

It seemed Brad could tell what he was thinking though, because he shrugged and rolled his eyes, "Yeah, she left about a month before we went to Afghanistan. She claimed that it was because she couldn't be that girl who sat by the phone every night, waiting for the phone call to say I'd been killed." He murmured with a shrug, and he didn't like the way he avoided his eyes as he said that - well yeah, it had ended up being him who'd gotten that call, and he could say with all honesty that it was the worst phone call he'd ever gotten, "I couldn't argue with that, so we split up. It was only after we got home from Afghanistan that I found out she'd married Tommy while I was overseas." 

Shit, he couldn't imagine how much of a slap in the face that must have been - especially since Katie hadn't admitted to the fact that Tommy had been part of the reason she was leaving Brad, and he'd only had to find out about it afterwards. Fuck that, he couldn't imagine how anyone could want to let Brad go, especially when they had already planned to get married.

"And you're still friends with them? After all that?"

"I'm their son's Godfather." Brad shrugged, biting his lip gently, "Henry, he's two." 

"Fuck, Brad.." He murmured, shaking his head. He couldn't believe that they'd had the audacity to ask him to be their son's Godfather after fucking him over the way they had. Not only had she been Brad's fiancee, but he'd been his best friend. It was a fucked up situation was all.

"In saying that though.." He started, folding his arms over Brad's chest instead, "If she hadn't pulled that shit, I wouldn't have you here right now." He said with a grin. Well yeah, if Brad had married Katie, he'd probably be in California with her right now, and instead he had Brad curled up in his bed - so while he hated that she'd hurt him like she had, he really couldn't be too angry with the way things had worked out.

"You know I'd rather be here, right?" Brad said, a small smile on his face as he looked up at him. 

"I'd rather you were here too. And besides, you don't have to worry about me dumping you for your best friend, 'cause I am your best friend." He teased with a grin, "And even if I dont count as your best friend anymore 'cause we're boning now, I promise not to leave you for Poke or Nate. Well.. I can't promise anything about Nate, but can you imagine having to listen to Poke's constant bitching? I don't know how Gina does it, not worth it in the slightest. Especially since I'm a white man and all that, could you imagine?" He teased, grinning when Brad rolled his eyes and flicked him on the shoulder. 

"Ray, shut up." 

"Make me." 

He could only laugh as Brad pushed him off and pinned him to the bed, leaning down to kiss him once he had him underneath him.

  
-x-

  
"Hey, Brad." He started, while they were strolling down the street. So far, their morning had actually been pretty lazy. They'd gotten up late, and had spent the morning lounging around the apartment until Brad had announced that he was bored and had asked Ray if he wanted to go for a walk. Since it was nice out, and he had to admit that he was equally as bored, he hadn't seen any reason not to. They'd had a quiet last couple of days, but since he was back in work tomorrow, he was more than happy to just spend the day hanging out with Brad rather than doing anything more productive, "Would you still love me if I had no arms and legs?"

Brad just fixed him with a look at his question, an eyebrow raised, and he couldn't help but grin up at him when he didn't answer, "Well?"

"I suppose." The older man eventually conceded with a roll of his eyes. 

"Awesome, and what if I was like.. a snail?" 

"Ray, I'm fairly certain that - genetically - you're probably not that far off from a snail anyway. So I really doubt it would make that much of a difference." He deadpanned, still wearing that same unimpressed look. Ray had long since managed to decipher all of Brad's microexpressions though, so he could tell that he was trying his best not to let his fondness show through the carefully straight face. Whatever, it was a talent of his. 

"Aw, baby. You say the sweetest things." He teased with a grin, playfully pulling on his hand. 

That was another thing actually. He'd come to terms with the fact that Brad could actually be pretty open by his affections when he wanted to, but he was still surprised now and again by the little things. He'd had his hands in his pockets while they'd walked together, and when he'd pulled one out to scratch at his neck, Brad had reached over to take his hand and twine their fingers together. So they'd been holding hands since then. It wasn't that he was surprised at the action itself - because he'd long since accepted the fact that Brad was secretly a softie - but they were in public, and Brad was still a Marine. He supposed it would have been a different situation if they'd been in California though, because they could have met someone that Brad worked with along the way and ended up getting him in trouble. It sucked, but DADT was still an issue, so they had to keep that in mind. Still, he supposed that nobody knew Brad in Missouri, so this was perfectly fine. 

"How'd you sleep last night?" He asked after a couple of minutes, glancing up at him. He'd woken up shortly after three a.m. last night to find the bed next to him empty, but like he'd said before; that wasn't uncommon. Brad seemed to be getting a little better with sleeping through the night, but he still heard him getting up from time to time. Christ, it was like Brad was a newborn and he was trying to encourage him to sleep. Not that he held it against him or anything, but he was still glad to see that he seemed to be sleeping okay.

"Alright." Brad shrugged, scuffing his shoe along the sidewalk, "I was up for a while though. Nightmares."

"D'you wanna talk about it?"

"Not really." He shrugged, glancing down at Ray with a small smile, "I'm fine, really. It's just hard to get back to sleep afterwards, y'know?"

He hummed in response, lightly swinging their joined hands between them. He didn't really know how to handle nightmares, if he was being honest. If it were a kid having nightmares about monsters, that was fine, he knew how to reassure a kid that monsters weren't real and that he could keep them safe, but with Brad? It was a little bit different. With the horrors that he knew Brad had been through, it was a little harder to convince him that he'd keep him safe. Not that he wouldn't try, mind, but still, "Well, you know what to do if you do want to talk." He said, giving him a small smile. 

"I know." Brad shrugged, before smiling down at him again, "Do you want to go to the gym later?"

"What for?"

"I think I need to start working out again. Properly. I've been making do on running when you're in work, but that won't help me forever."

He rolled his eyes, glancing up in Brad's direction, "Are you fucking kidding me? You're like a Greek fucking God even without working out, don't even try to pull that shit with me." He told him. Well yeah, he was pretty sure you'd need to either be blind or stupid not to realise how attractive Brad was. He was pretty sure that the older man didn't quite see himself like that anymore - he knew that he was still having trouble seeing past the scars - but honestly? Brad was fucking beautiful, "Seriously, you haven't even been working out properly and you still have abs. Totally unfair."

"Shut up, Ray." Brad groused, although he was smiling. 

They strolled back along to the line of stores around the corner from the apartment, before ducking into the store that he'd gone across to before their date the other day. He'd said earlier that he needed to get some shopping today, but he really wasn't bothered with taking the car all the way down to to the Walmart and doing a proper big shop - they could get by on this for the next week or so until he really needed to go. 

He let go of Brad's hand once they got into the store, both of them going their separate ways while they trailed around the store. He'd need to get something for dinner, plus for the last two days they'd each been making coffee before remembering that they were out of milk and needing to do without, so that was definitely on the list. For a moment, as he dropped a head of broccoli into the basket just because he knew Brad liked it, he wondered how the fuck they had gotten so domestic. They were both badass warrior US Marines, and yet they'd somehow fallen into this domestic bliss. Not that he was complaining, he liked being able to spend the evenings being bored in front of the television with his legs in Brad's lap, or waking up next to him in the morning, or even just occupying the same space while they minded their own business. 

He knew it wouldn't stay that way forever though, that Brad would eventually have to report back to Pendleton. Obviously things hadn't gone that well last time he'd come back to Missouri and Brad had still been in California, but what were they supposed to do? The older man seemed to be doing better, and they both had their own lives to get back to. He did consider the other man a pretty huge part of his life by now, but they'd have to just try and figure something out because things would change eventually. 

After he'd picked up everything that he was pretty sure he needed, he raised up on his tiptoes so that he could see Brad over the shelves. He spotted him after a moment - not too difficult a task, considering the other man was eight foot tall - and he smiled as he trailed over to him. When he got to him, he was perusing the different brands of coffee, although he hadn't picked one out, "Hey." He chirped, nodding towards the coffee, "You getting something?"

"No, just looking." Brad said with a small smile, "You get everything you need?" 

"Yeah."

He followed him up to the tills then, although he rolled his eyes as he realised he'd forgotten to grab a bottle of shampoo, "Hold on, take this shit up. I just got to grab a bottle of shampoo." He told him, handing the basket over to him before turning on his heel and heading back to the toiletries aisle. He didn't take too long, just quickly scanned the shelves for the brand he usually bought before heading back to Brad once he'd gotten it. When he got back to him, he found him taking the groceries out of the basket while Mac scanned the ones he'd already taken out, "Hey, Mac." He chirped once he got to them, dropping the bottle of shampoo in the basket. 

"Hey, Ray. What's going on?" Mac said with a smile, before raising an eyebrow in Brad's direction once he'd realised that they were together, "Oh. Yeah, I agree. You're really hot, man."

Brad looked up from where he'd been counting through loose change that was in his pocket, a look of confusion crossing his face, "Excuse me?" 

He had to fight to keep a straight face as he glanced between Mac and Brad - mostly because of the slightly affronted expression that Brad was still wearing. 

"Sorry, man. I've known Ray for like.. forever. He was here the other night buying all kinds of fun supplies for his hot date, I was skeptical, but fuck, you are hot."

He smiled and rolled his eyes lightly elbowing Brad out of the way as he handed his card over to Mac, "Fuck off, dude. Stop harassing my boyfriend." He teased, glancing up at the older man. He'd barely realised what he'd said until he noticed the look on Brad's face and realised that he'd called him his boyfriend. Well it wasn't like either of them were unaware of that fact - they said that they loved each other, they were sleeping together, they were practically living together - but they'd never actually referred to the other as their boyfriend yet. It felt nice though, to call Brad his boyfriend. It seemed the other man had the same train of thought though, if the tiny pleased smile he was wearing was anything to go by. 

Mac rolled his eyes, handing them over their bags, "Boyfriend? Jesus, you work fast, Person. Take your shit and get out of my store." He told him with a grin. 

He laughed in response, flipping Mac off before taking Brad's free hand and pulling him out of the store. He was glad that the store was pretty much only around the corner from the apartment because he was pretty sure he was about to be teased to within an inch of his life for his slip of the tongue. Not that it was a bad thing, but he knew what Brad was like. 

The older man was quiet as he let them back into the apartment, and he trailed in after Ray with the bag of shopping before putting it down on the island in the kitchen, "You called me your boyfriend." He pointed out as he started unpacking the shopping. His voice was light and nonchalant though, and he glanced over at Ray with a small smile. 

So he just shrugged, leaning back against the counter, "You are, aren't you?"

Brad just smiled at him before rounding the counter, cupping his face between his hands. That was as far as he went though, and he gently brushed his thumbs against Ray's cheekbones, "Yeah. I just didn't think we were saying it."

"Well, I'm happy to say it every fucking day." He said with a grin, arching up on his toes so that he could wrap his arms around Brad's neck, "Seriously. I'll shout it from the fucking rooftops if you want me to." 

"Maybe not from the rooftops, but I appreciate the gesture." He teased with a grin, before finally leaning down to kiss him. He dropped his hands to Ray's hips, pulling him close against him as they kissed, and fuck.. Ray was pretty sure that he'd never get tired of this. He kept his arms wound around Brad's neck, having to stay arched up on his tiptoes to reach him from here since they were standing. 

"God, I love you." He mumbled into the kiss. 

Brad just hummed against his mouth, tilting his head a little to further deepen the kiss. He pushed his hands underneath Ray's t-shirt, holding him close as he licked into his mouth. Yeah, whatever, he was pretty sure Brad's tongue in his mouth would always make him a little weak in the knees, just because of how fucking good a kisser the older man was. It really wasn't fair. Not even a little bit. 

Eventually he pulled away, grinning as he surged up again to press another quick kiss to the corner of his mouth, "Alright, leave me alone while I make dinner."

"Okay, you're lucky I've got emails to reply to." Brad responded with a grin, squeezing gently at his hips before letting him go. 

He went back to unpacking the groceries after that while Brad relocated to the couch with his laptop. This was one of the things that he loved about how they worked - how he could just mind his own business making the dinner while Brad worked away at his laptop. There was no need to fill the silence with conversation or to constantly feel like they had to pay attention to the other. It was enough to just cohabitate. He hummed under his breath as he dug a pan out of the cupboard, knocking it closed with his hip once he'd found the one he was looking for, _"Why'd you go have to go and make things so complicated?"_ He sang quietly while he went back to the bag of groceries, _"I see the way you're acting like you're somebody else, gets me frustrated."_

"Hey." Brad eventually piped up, still tapping away at his laptop, "Have you heard from Nate lately?" He asked, and when Ray turned his attention back to him, he was watching him over the top of the laptop. 

"I texted him like.. a week ago. Why?"

"He's in town on Thursday for a conference, he wants to meet for lunch. Are you working?"

Mentally checking his calendar, he hummed quietly before shrugging and shaking his head, "Nope, I am on Friday, but not Thursday."

"Cool, I'll tell him we'll be around?"

"Yeah, do. It'll be good to see him." He said with a small smile. Well yeah, he'd heard from Nate pretty regularly, but the last time he'd actually seen him was those couple of days that he'd stayed with him after they'd first heard about Brad's death. He certainly hadn't been in a good place then though, so it'd be nice to see him again now that he was doing much better. 

"Great. And hurry up with dinner, I'm fucking starving." Brad teased, shooting a grin in his direction. 

"Fuck off."

  
-x-

  
On Thursday, as they'd promised, they headed over to the little cafe that was down the road from the apartment. He'd told Brad yesterday to email Nate and let him know there was a much nicer place further into town, but Nate had insisted that the one closer to them was fine. He supposed that that was Nate though, accommodating as ever. 

"Hey, so," He started as he locked the apartment door behind them, Brad lingering behind him, "How much have you told Nate?" 

"What d'you mean?" Brad asked, his hands in his pockets. He looked good, even if he'd gone back to wearing the oversized hoodie. 

"Like, everything. Does he know about us, did you tell him what happened over there?"

"I told him.. some. After you came back here, he was in California giving a talk at Pendleton, so I saw him then. I haven't told him about us though." He murmured with a shrug. Well yeah, he got that. If he hadn't spoken to Nate in person since before they'd actually gotten together, he understood that Brad was maybe a little antsy about putting it in an email - especially since he was still using his work email, "Do you want me to tell him?"

"It's your call, homes." He shrugged. He was more than happy to tell everybody that they knew, but Brad was the one with a career to risk if it got out to the wrong people. So he'd leave it entirely up to him who he wanted to tell. 

Brad just huffed quietly in response, his hands still in his pockets. He was pretty sure that that was about all he was going to get out of him right now on the topic. He'd noticed that he seemed to be in a bit of a mood this morning, which he really couldn't see a reason for. He hadn't heard him getting up during the night, and when he'd casually mentioned the nightmares; he claimed he hadn't had one in a couple of nights. Whatever, he knew that he just got like that sometimes, that there was maybe nothing in particular wrong, but that he was just feeling a little down.

"Hey." He murmured, giving him a small smile as they walked, bumping his shoulder gently with his own, "Cheer up." 

"I am." 

"Brad, you look like someone pissed in your coffee. And since I made your coffee this morning, I happen to know that's not true." He teased with a slight grin. He found sometimes that it was better to just tease Brad out of his bad mood rather than stepping on eggshells around him. 

"Ray, shut the fuck up or I'll piss in your coffee in here." 

"Hot." He remarked, flashing him a wink as he held the cafe door open for him.

When they got in, it was to find Nate already sat at one of the tables, engrossed in whatever he was doing on his laptop. He glanced up after a moment, smiling as he noticed Brad and Ray, "Hey." He said with a smile as they approached. He pulled Brad into a quick hug that he went surprisingly easily with, before turning to Ray to then wrap him in a hug, "It's been a while, you guys look good." He said with a smile.

"Yeah, you too, sir. Engagement's obviously suiting you well." He teased with a grin. He'd somehow never managed to shake the habit of referring to Nate as 'sir' even though he knew there was no real reason for him to anymore. Aside from the engagement though, he was pretty sure a lot of that had to do with retiring from the Corps too. The last couple of times he'd seen Nate hadn't exactly been under great circumstances - what with Brad's funeral, and then Nate visiting him to make sure he didn't put himself into an early grave too - but now that things were better, he was glad that their former platoon commander seemed to be doing better too.

He remembered that by the end of their deployment, Nate had just seemed.. defeated. He'd been through the shit and back again on that tour, more so than any of them, and he knew that it was just because the other officers saw him as young and inexperienced - when in reality, he'd been the most competent officer they'd had throughout that entire shitshow. He seemed healthier now, lighter, and it seemed getting out of the Corps had definitely done him some good. He was pretty sure a lot of that came from Lauren too, but fuck.. he was just glad to see that he was happy. Fuck knows that he deserved it after everything. 

"It is, yeah. I think she's anxious to set a date though." 

"Yeah, get on that. She'll start to think you've gotten cold feet." He teased, grin still in place. 

Brad rolled his eyes, lightly cuffing him on the neck of the head, "Ray, shut the fuck up and leave the LT alone." He told him. Well, it seemed that Brad had never quite gotten out of the habit either - even if Nate had been promoted to Captain before he'd left the Corps. He was pretty sure he'd still be LT to all of them, "Can you manage to not harass him for five minutes while I go up to get us coffee?"

"Debatable, but I'll try my best." He answered with a bright smile.

Brad just huffed and shook his head before turning on his heel and heading up towards the counter. Once he'd gone, Ray pulled out the chair opposite Nate and sat down, "Ignore him. He's in a mood this morning." 

Nate glanced over to where Brad had his hands in his pockets as he waited in line, before looking back to Ray, "How's he doing? Besides the mood." 

"He's okay, I think. I mean, he still goes kinda quiet sometimes and there's the occasional nightmare. He's sleeping through the night more often though, y'know?" He shrugged, biting his lip gently, "He wasn't doing great when he first came out here, but I think it seems to have done him some good to talk about what happened over there." 

Nate nodded, a thoughtful looking expression crossing his face, "Was it bad?" 

"Yeah, pretty bad." He murmured with a shrug. He was pretty sure that that didn't even nearly do it justice though - the horrors that Brad had gone through, he was surprised that he was doing as well as he was after everything that had happened. Like he'd said before though, Brad was one of the strongest people that he knew, so if anyone was going to come out on the other side of that in one piece, it would be him. 

Brad joined them again after a couple of minutes, three cups of coffee on a small tray, "Coffee for Nate and myself, whisky-tango college chick abomination for Ray." He groused, sliding Ray's coffee over to him with a look of indignation. 

"Thanks, homes." He chirped, slurping at the sweet frothy coffee. Whatever, when he was making his coffee for himself at home, he stuck to just coffee. When he was buying it out, he was going to end up spending a fortune anyway, so why not go all out? 

Nate just smiled and rolled his eyes. 

"So what's new with you LT?" He asked, discreetly hooking his ankle around Brad's underneath the table. He knew he'd said that he'd leave it up to Brad on how much he wanted to tell Nate - regarding their relationship - but it wasn't like he'd be able to see this. He hid his smile behind his coffee when he felt Brad gently nudge his ankle with his own - not like he was trying to shake him off, like he was simply acknowledging him. 

Nate just shrugged, smiling slightly, "It's been busy. School is kicking my ass already even though we've just started back from the summer, and I'm doing a lot of work on the side helping to run the local campaign for one of the mayor electorates. It's good, but it's a lot." He admitted. 

"And here I thought OCS and BRC were two of the toughest things a man could go through. Turns out I was wrong." Brad deadpanned, although he was wearing a hint of a smile, "What are you studying again?" 

"Business and PoliSci." Nate answered. 

He could see Brad racking his brain then, seemingly trying to figure out if he'd known that, if Nate had already started when he'd left for England or if it had been a slightly later thing. It seemed Nate picked up on it too though, because he smiled and shrugged after a moment, "I started in August last year." He told him. Well yeah, Brad would have been England already by then. 

"Right. Well I assume both Business and PoliSci will teach you the importance of sucking cock to get what you want. So good luck with that." Brad teased, before rolling his eyes when Ray kicked him under the table, "What was that for?" 

"You're being mean, play nice." He told him, although he slid his ankle against his again after a moment.

For a while after that they just chatted, caught up with each other on how things had been over the last while. Nate and Lauren were still living in Massachusetts while he attended Harvard, but they were thinking of maybe moving to DC after he'd graduated. His MBA was only for two years anyway, so he'd be finished next fall. They still hadn't actually settled on a date for the wedding, but he assured them that they'd be the first to know once they did. They'd apparently also had a semi-serious talk about starting a family once things settled down. He could see it though, he knew Nate would be a good dad. In return, he told him about how he was thinking of leaving the kitchen, but he wasn't sure what he wanted to do after that - whether he wanted to go back to school or whether he wanted to just go back on the job hunt. He didn't need to decide anything right now though, he knew he had time. Brad hadn't exactly had much to report, everything that had happened in his life wasn't exactly the best of topics to discuss, but he filled Nate as much as he could without getting too in depth about everything that had gone on. He did mention though that he was thinking of maybe getting a dog once he went back to California - which, news to Ray - but maybe it would be a good idea. Obviously his family weren't too far away, and since he lived so close to Pendleton, there were the guys still stationed there that he could talk to, but a dog would be some company in the house when he got home in the evenings, which he was pretty sure would be good for him. 

It wasn't hard to see though - in the way that Nate looked at Brad as he listened to him speaking, in the soft way he smiled at him - that he'd never quite gotten over the crush he'd obviously had on Brad. He knew it wasn't like that, he and Brad were perfectly happy with each other, as were Nate and Lauren, but he was surprised to see that it was obviously still there. He knew nothing had ever happened between them though. He assumed Brad knew, but the feelings obviously weren't mutual. Still, it was just a detail he'd noticed, and he was pretty sure it was just a harmless crush on Nate's side - rather than actual feelings. 

Eventually Brad yawned, rubbing the back of his neck, "Excuse me for a minute, gotta run to the head." He told them as he stood up. He hesitated for a moment before leaning down to press a kiss to Ray's cheek, gently cupping his other cheek in his hand, before turning on his heel and walking towards the bathroom.

The two of them watched him go, before Nate glanced back at him with an eyebrow raised, and he rolled his eyes in response, "He's a fucking asshole. I knew he'd pull something like that and run. Leave me with the interrogation." 

"Has this been going on long?" Nate asked, although he was smiling.

"Not that long. Officially, like.. a week. It's been a long time coming though, I'm sure you guessed that." He shrugged, biting his lip gently as he turned his attention on his mug. Well yeah, he hadn't actually told Nate how he'd felt about Brad, not like he'd told Walt after the funeral, but he just.. he really doubted that Nate was totally blind to it. He'd been such a mess after the funeral, he guessed that it was probably pretty obvious.

Nate just nodded, giving him a small smile, "I didn't want to assume, but I had my suspicions." He admitted, "Have you guys talked about what you're going to do yet?"

"About what?"

"When he goes back to California. Because he will have to go back sooner or later." 

He sighed, shrugging slightly in response, "We haven't talked yet. I don't know what we're going to do." He murmured as he picked at a chip on the table. He knew that they needed to talk about it though - and probably soon - because Nate was right, Brad wouldn't be able to stay in Missouri forever. As much as he wanted him to stay, Brad's life was in California, and he wasn't about to ask him to give all that up and stay in Missouri with him. There was nothing for Brad in Missouri. 

"You need to talk to him, Ray. I know it's probably easier to pretend nothing is going to change, but it is, and you two need to be prepared for when it does." He told him.

He knew he was right though, he didn't want them to not have a plan for when Brad had to leave and then to have everything fall apart on them when he did, "You saw him in California a while back, right? How was he then?" He asked. 

Nate looked thoughtful for a moment, before sighing and shrugging, "Not great." He admitted, "He did a good job of covering it up, but Brad's my friend, I could see he wasn't doing too well. He seems a lot better now though, I think being here with you was good for him." He said with a small smile. 

He couldn't help but smile at that, rolling his eyes slightly, "It's given me some peace of mind having him here, y'know? I knew he wasn't alright, but when his sister called and said that he'd crashed his bike.. I nearly went out of my mind knowing that he was halfway across the country and that there was nothing I could do." He murmured with a slight shrug. Looking back on it, he almost felt as though he'd been waiting for a phonecall ever since he'd left California, waiting for somebody to give him some more bad news. It was easier with Brad here. 

"Yeah, I get that." Nate said with a nod, "I mean it though, talk to him." He told him. 

Brad returned back to the table then, looking slightly apprehensive as he dropped back into his seat. Whatever, he didn't feel bad for him in the slightest, the asshole had left him to deal with the interrogation. Not that Nate had been particularly brutal, but still. Nate didn't seem like he had any intention of torturing Brad though, and he smiled as he glanced back at him, "Ray's pissed that you left him to deal with the questioning. I will say though that I'm happy for you both."

"I trust that this won't go any further?" Brad asked, raising an eyebrow in Nate's direction. He understood that it wasn't about Brad not wanting people to know though, that it was just about protecting himself. Still, he knew they could trust Nate though, that he did care about them. 

"You know it won't, Brad." Nate told him, and it seemed that that was that. 

A little over an hour later, Nate announced that he needed to get going after a glance at his watch, and so they got their shit together before heading back out onto the street, "You sure you don't need to crash with us?" He asked as he followed Nate outside, Brad's arm draped loosely around his shoulders. Well yeah, since he and Brad were sleeping in the same room these days, the spare room was empty again, and he didn't like the idea of Nate forking out for a hotel room when they had a spare room. 

"No, my flight back to Boston is this evening. I've got another friend over the other side of town I want to go see first though." He said, before pulling Ray into a hug, "Take care of yourself, alright?" He said, and Ray just nodded against his shoulder. Once he'd let go of him, he turned to Brad to hug him too, and he quietly said something to him that Ray couldn't quite make out. 

"Keep in touch, Nate." He said with a smile, putting his hands in his pockets. 

"Yeah, we'll call if we're ever in Boston." Brad told him. 

They strolled back to the apartment after they'd let him go, although Brad dropped his arm from around Ray's shoulder to take his hand instead as they walked. He was glad that they had agreed to meet Nate for the afternoon. He definitely owed him a lot after everything that had happened - he was pretty sure Nate was part of the reason that he hadn't drank himself into an early grave after Brad's funeral, so he really had a lot to thank him for.

The apartment wasn't far of a walk back, and he yawned as he let them in, "Good to see Nate today." He said, glancing back over his shoulder at Brad as he followed him into the apartment. 

"Yeah, it's been a while."

"You realise he very obviously still has a thing for you, right?" He teased. 

That stopped Brad in his tracks, and he frowned as he looked over at Ray, "What? Nate doesn't have a thing for me."

"Oh, please. Literally everyone else could see it, right from Kuwait." He shrugged, "There was a betting pool, Brad. On whether you and Nate were secretly boning." He said with a grin. He couldn't help but smile as he thought back to it though - Q-Tip dragging him aside and asking him did he want to contribute to the betting pool, his response being that Brad would kill Q-Tip if he ever found out. That was long before he'd ever thought that his feelings towards Brad were mutual though, so he hadn't been sure what to make of the whole thing. 

Brad just looked indignant, a frown still crossing his face, "Nate's always had a girlfriend. It was never like that between us, I don't-" 

"I know." He interrupted him, raising up on his toes to press a quick kiss to his lips, "I know you don't. I just.. I assumed you knew." He murmured with a shrug. He wasn't trying to start an argument or anything, far from it, and he definitely wasn't accusing Brad of anything. He was only teasing. He knew how he felt about him, how they felt about each other, and it wasn't like he was that insecure in his relationship that he was getting defensive over an hour of sitting and catching up with Nate. Like he'd said, he'd assumed that Brad was aware of Nate's crush. 

"What did you bet? In the pool?" Brad asked after a moment, raising an eyebrow. 

"I didn't. I wasn't sure if you and Nate were fucking or not, but I figured it was your business either way." 

Brad just hummed, looking thoughtful, and after a minute he sighed as he put his hands in his pockets, "Look, Brad, while we're on the topic. Just.. if something better comes along, don't feel like you owe me anything, okay?" He told him with a shrug. He wasn't sure why he'd felt he needed to get that out, but he just.. it had been sort of on his mind. Not that he thought that Brad was settling by being with him, and he certainly didn't think that the older man was doing anything he didn't want to do here. The fact of the matter though was that Brad was gorgeous, and he was funny, and smart, and he was pretty sure that he could have anyone he wanted. So if a better option did come about, he didn't want Brad to feel like he had to stick with him out of any sort of obligation - just because he'd been there when he was at his lowest. 

Brad just looked at him, and he wasn't sure that he liked the look that was crossing his face - as though he wasn't entirely sure how to process what he was hearing, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." He answered honestly, "But you could have anyone you wanted, and I'm just me." He shrugged - and soon enough, they'd be living halfway across the country from each other again, but he didn't exactly want to bring that up right now, "So if someone better comes along, you're not obligated to stay just 'cause I was here during all this, alright?" 

Brad continued to just look at him, before sighing and rolling his eyes, "Stay right there." He told him. 

He watched as Brad turned and disappeared into the bedroom then, biting his lip gently as he did what he was told and stayed where he was. He had no idea what the other man was up to, honestly, and he gave him a tentative smile as he returned after a moment, "Look, I d-" He started, but he was cut off by Brad crossing to him and pulling him into a hard kiss. He didn't hesitate in wrapping his arms around the taller man's neck, his breath catching in his throat as Brad wrapped an arm around his waist and pulled their hips together. 

He wasn't exactly sure what sort of reaction he'd been expecting from Brad, but this certainly wasn't it. 

He closed his eyes as Brad broke the kiss and pressed his mouth to his neck instead, leaving a trail of hard sucking kisses that he was pretty sure would leave a line of marks by tomorrow morning, "What's.. what are you doing?" He asked, pressing his fingers gently where they were resting on the back of Brad's neck. 

"I'm going to fuck you." He told him, pulling back just enough so that he could look him in the eye. His face turned a little softer after a moment though, and he brought a hand up to cup Ray's cheek, "Do you want that?"

He nodded, leaning up to press another kiss to his lips, "Bedroom?" He murmured against his lips. Well yeah, of course he wanted to. He'd spent so long wishing that things could be like this between them that he certainly wasn't going to say no whenever they had the opportunity. 

Brad shook his head though at the mention of the bedroom, leaning down to pull him up onto his waist by the backs of his knees. He went easily with it, wrapping his legs around Brad's hips when he pulled him up, and after a moment he found himself on his back on the kitchen table. Well.. shit. Not that he'd always been particularly vanilla when it came to his sexual exploits, but he couldn't say he'd ever fucked on the kitchen table before. Whatever, they could clean it afterwards. He pulled Brad down into another kiss, although it wasn't long before it turned filthy - their tongues sliding against each others' and Brad's hand sliding underneath his t-shirt to find bare skin. 

He still had his legs wrapped around Brad's hips, although he dropped them slightly as the taller man leaned back a little so that they could both fumble with zippers and belts. He kicked his own jeans and boxers off, although Brad only pushed his down around his thighs. Yeah, fuck, the idea of Brad fucking him while still being mostly fully clothed was hot as hell. 

He cupped his hands around Brad's jaw while he pulled him down into another kiss, before moaning against his lips when Brad pressed a lubed finger into him. Alright, well that explained the quick trip into the bedroom a moment ago. As always, Brad was quick and efficient with the prep, and soon enough he was moaning as Brad fucked three fingers into him, his head dropped back against the table, "Fuck, Brad, I'm ready.." He told him. 

After pulling his fingers out, Brad didn't waste any time in rolling a condom onto his cock, before leaning back over Ray as he lined himself up. They both moaned as he pushed in, and he dropped his head back against the hard surface of the table again. Brad was quiet enough as he slowly worked his cock in, and before he knew it, Brad's hips were flush with his ass. After a moment where he let himself get used to the stretch of the other man's cock, he dug his heels in slightly where they were still hooked around Brad's hips, "Come on." He breathed. 

Brad pulled back slightly before thrusting back in, drawing another moan from him. With the position they were in - Brad standing, and him lying back on the table with his legs around Brad's hips - it just felt twice as fucking intense. 

It didn't take them long to get into a rhythm, and he pulled Brad back down into another kiss. They ended up mostly just panting against each others' mouths though as they moved together, his legs around Brad's hips and his fingers buried in his hair as he held him close, "Only want you, Ray." Brad gasped against his mouth. 

"Yeah, fuck, me too." He whined, before dropping his head back again as Brad managed to hit that spot inside him, "Holy shit, right there." He gasped, the pleasure shooting up his spine making it difficult to do anything other than tighten his legs around Brad's hips and hold on. He could feel himself pushing closer and closer to the edge with every thrust that Brad gave, and once he wrapped his fingers tight around his cock, it was all over. 

Brad apparently wasn't that much further behind him, and it only took him another couple of harsh thrusts before he was coming too, his forehead pressed against Ray's collarbone where he was leaning over him. 

He ran his fingers through the older man's hair while they both caught their breaths, pressing a quick kiss to his temple, "Damn, I need you to do that more often." He teased with a slight grin while Brad pushed back up slightly onto his elbows so that he could look at him. 

"If you ever get the feeling that I'm settling, or that I'd rather have somebody else.. I want you to think of that." He told him, before ducking down to kiss him again. 

Right. He got it now. He didnt think that what he'd said had been that big a deal, but it obviously was if Brad's reaction was anything to go by. So he just ran his fingers through his hair again, smiling as he looked up at him, "I don't. But honestly, feel free to enforce that again whenever the hell you want." He teased, laughing at Brad's exasperated eye roll. He was glad that they were okay though, because like he'd said; he really hadn't wanted to cause an argument by saying what he'd said. It had just been a passing remark. 

He leaned up to nudge his nose against Brad's after a moment, giving him a small smile, "Nap? I think I need a couple hours sleep to recover from that."

"Yeah, c'mon." 

  
-x-

  
It was one morning a couple of days later that he figured they should probably talk things out between them. 

It was a pretty shitty morning, kind of dark and rainy out, and he was pretty sure neither of them had many plans other than what they were doing right now. Brad was still in bed, but he was pretty sure that he was just snoozing rather than actually sleeping, even though he was still curled up with the covers pulled over him. He was half-sitting on the windowsill, still naked apart from the boxers he'd pulled on as he got up, smoking out the open window. Like he'd said though, it was a crappy day out, so he was pretty happy to just spend the day chilling with him like they were now. 

"Hey." He murmured as he looked over at Brad, tapping the ash from his cigarette onto the ashtray he had on the windowsill, "I think we need to talk." 

That caught Brad's attention, and he folded an arm behind his head as he turned to him, "Yeah? About what?" He asked. 

He couldn't help but notice though that he looked somewhat apprehensive - as though he expected whatever Ray to want to talk about to be something bad, as though he was preparing himself to be hurt. It was nothing like that though, not even close, he just.. Nate's words had been weighing on his mind, about the fact that they should talk. He knew Brad would be going back to California sooner or later, and they hadn't exactly discussed what they were going to do. So he just shrugged, biting his lip gently, "When have you to report back to Pendleton?" He asked. 

A look of understanding crossed Brad's face then, and he held a hand out to Ray to beckon him back over to the bed. He went without argument, putting out his cigarette in the ashtray and closing the window before going back to Brad, dropping down onto the bed next to him and leaning up on an elbow. Brad mirrored his movement, turning over onto his own side to face him, "I don't know. I'll probably need to go back soon though."

"Yeah, I guessed as much."

"I'll apparently need to do some mental assessments before I go back, to make sure I don't lose it and shoot the place up in an unhinged show of PTSD as soon as they give me back my rifle. But once I pass those, there's nothing stopping me from reporting back to active duty." He explained with a shrug. He supposed that made sense. Brad's C.O would probably want to make sure he was of a stable sense of mind before arming him again, but lately he seemed like he'd been doing better, so he couldn't see them failing him on those. 

"I don't want to go back." Brad admitted after a moment of silence, his voice quiet. 

"Back to the Corps?" He asked, frowning slightly. He had to admit, he was pretty surprised by that. They'd talked about this a while ago, and Brad had insisted that he didn't want to leave the Corps, that he was a career Marine.

"No, back to California." He murmured with a shrug, not quite meeting Ray's eyes, "I don't want to leave you." 

Ah. That was it. It would have been so easy to tell Brad that he didn't have to, that he could stay here with him in this apartment forever. He knew that that wasn't feasible though, that the only thing keeping Brad in Missouri was Ray, and that he'd be miserable in six months if he decided to stay here. That was the last thing he wanted - for Brad to stay here because he thought that was what he wanted, and ending up resenting him down the line when he realised that he'd made a mistake. Still, he maybe had an idea though. 

"Well why don't I come with you?" He suggested, his voice light. 

Brad sighed and shook his head though, "We can't keep doing this back and forward thing forever, Ray."

"No, I mean.. for good?" He suggested with a shrug. When Brad just looked at him, he rolled his eyes as he sat up, "I'm not suggesting that I move myself into your house or anything, but I can look for a place close to yours."

"What about your job? Your family?" Brad asked, inching his hand across the covers until he found Ray's, tangling their fingers together.

"I said I was thinking of leaving the kitchen anyway. If I go back to school, I can just look at schools in California instead, or look at jobs there. As for my family; Claire lives in Kansas, Alex is going back to Chicago in the Fall to start school, and my mom pretty much does her own thing anyway. I probably wouldn't see them any less if I lived in California than I do living here." He explained with a small smile. Well yeah, he'd already thought all of this through, and honestly? He couldn't come up with any reasons as to why he shouldn't go to California with Brad, "Really, the only reason I have not to go, is if you don't want me to." 

"You'd do that?" Brad asked, a hint of a smile crossing his face. He hadn't exactly been sure of what Brad's reaction would be to him suggesting that he'd move up with him, but he hadn't exactly been too worried, considering he'd said that the whole reason he didn't want to go back to California was because he didn't want to leave him. 

"Course I would, you fucking idiot. I don't even like this apartment anyway, it won't be the end of the world if I have to cut the lease early."

Brad smiled as he closed the distance between them, pressing their lips together in a soft kiss, "Don't look for a place. Just move in with me." He told him, dropping his arm around his waist once he'd pulled back. 

"You sure you want that? I'll drive you crazy."

"You drive me crazy anyway. And you're a whisky-tango, retarded, trailer-trash subhuman."

"But you love me anyway?"

Brad rolled his eyes, but his smile was soft as he gently pinched him on the forearm, "Unfortunately, I do." 

  
-x-

  
It took them a couple of weeks, but eventually they had gotten everything sorted that they needed to, and then they were packing Ray's shit up and putting boxes into the moving truck. 

Thankfully, things actually went pretty smoothly when it came to getting shit sorted for the move. He'd prepared himself to have to wade through all kind of shit with trying to get out of his apartment lease and quitting the job at the kitchen, so he was surprised by how easily things had gone. His landlord hadn't been that put out by the fact that he was cutting his lease short by four months - he'd had to pay a fine, but whatever, it hadn't been that much. He was pretty sure the fact that he was friendly with his boss at the kitchen though was the reason that he hadn't made that big a deal out of Ray quitting. He hadn't given him any bullshit, he'd just told him that he was moving to California, and so he'd given him his last paycheck and that was that. 

He was pretty sure it made it a lot easier too that he wouldn't need to be looking for a place in California either, that he could just move all of his shit into Brad's house. 

The day before they were due to leave, they'd had Ray's family over for a little get-together to say goodbye. It was nice, Claire had driven down from Lawrence with Emily - who had been delighted to see Brad again - and Brad had finally gotten the chance to meet Alex and and his mom. They were both on their best behaviour, but inwardly he'd delighted a little at the slightly terrified look Brad had worn when he'd first introduced him to his mom. The Iceman was good, but it seemed he wasn't immune to the 'what are your intentions with my son' speech. His mom had only been kidding though, she'd actually been pretty nice to Brad once she'd reassured him that she wasn't about to skin him alive. Just before they'd left, she'd pulled Ray aside and told him that she liked Brad, that she thought they were good for each other. All in all, a pretty successful evening. 

Right now though, they were busy getting boxes into the truck. He knew it probably would have been a lot quicker to get his shit sent over and for them to just catch a flight to California, but honestly? He liked the idea of the drive with Brad. It was going to end up taking them about two days, and they'd probably have to stop overnight and get a room at a motel, but he really didn't mind. So they'd rented a moving truck from a one-way company, and found there was a drop-off depot close enough to Brad's house in California, so they'd figured it worked out cheaper to do it this way. He'd sold his car too - after debating on whether or not to bring it, he figured it was probably about time he bought a new one anyway, so he decided he'd get a new one once they got to California. 

They'd gone through all of his stuff, boxing up what they were going to keep, and figuring they could just leave everything that didn't need to come with them. It made it easier that he was renting the apartment, because it meant that they could leave a lot of shit behind - like the refrigerator and the bed and shit like that. Besides, Brad had all of that stuff in his house, so it wasn't like they'd need two beds and two TVs. By the end of it though, they'd nearly filled the truck, and he smiled as Brad closed up the back of it once they'd shoved the last box in. 

"So, that's it." Brad said with a small smile, glancing down at him. 

"Yeah, that's it."

"You're not getting cold feet, are you?"

He smiled, rolling his eyes as he tugged Brad closer by the belt loops on his jeans, "You couldn't get rid of me if you tried." He said with a grin, raising up on his toes to press a quick kiss to his lips. Yeah, fuck, they had been through so much. He'd gone through losing Brad, having to sit through his funeral, trying to recover from losing who he was pretty sure was the love of his life. Brad, fuck.. he couldn't imagine how hard it must have been to face the things that he'd faced, to go through what he had and come out the other side of it in one piece. He had though, and he was so fucking unbelievably proud of Brad for it. They'd both gone through awful things, and they'd still come out of it together, and now they were ready to start their new life together. 

He went back to drop the keys into the letterbox once he had locked the door, following Brad back to the truck once he'd done that. The other man had already climbed into the passenger side seat, and so he hopped up into the drivers seat, "Hey, Brad. It's gonna be just like the old days again. The two of us road-trippin' it across the country." He said with a grin as he turned over the engine. Well yeah, he still fondly thought back to the days of Iraq sometimes, he and Brad playfully singing to each other as they drove for hours on end. That tour had been a shitshow, he wasn't about to lie about that, but he and Brad had fallen in love then, and so he really couldn't complain about it too much. 

"My 'no country music' rule still applies, I hope you know that."

_"On the road again, I just can't wait to get on the r-"_

"Ray, I mean it." 

He could only laugh as he pulled the truck out onto the road, rolling his eyes. They had two days before they got to California, he was pretty sure he could wrangle a country song out of Brad by then. 


End file.
